the tug

I’m gonna set aside time and spend it with God. Lots of time. I’m gonna get deep, intimate, personal with God and it’s gonna be great!!!” I’ve thought that a lot. I’ve done it too. But it never has lasted. Why? There’s been this tug. A tug to “not” do it. This tug suggests other things like spending time with people, with television, movies, internet, etc. This tug never seemed to work out much for my well being. This tug has kept me from some much needed growth many years ago. So I ask myself, “Am I in a place I could have been 8 years ago?” I won’t let myself go there because that will just produce regret. Rather it’s time for me to pay attention to a certain other “tug”.

“Hi there.” That’s what I heard this morning in church. “I like it when you’re with me.” Yes, that was God. He talks to me a lot. It’s amazing how I could spend so much time not listening to the creator of the universe and the lover of my soul. I said “Hi” back this morning and it got emotional. The first sentence in this blog came to mind again as my emotions stirred and my eyes watered. I have a beautiful connection with my Jesus, an amazing connection with my Father, a beautiful relationship with my Holy Spirit. I don’t say that smugly, I say that in regard to the foundation of my understanding with God. The humbling or perhaps embarrassing thing is how little time I actually spend alone with God. That’s the irony. The foundation of my relationship runs deep but HOW DEEP COULD IT ACTUALLY BE!? When he says “Hi There” I get glimpses. Glimpses into the glory of my life running side by side with Jesus taking the world by the horns and releasing His beautiful kingdom rich with love on unsuspecting people everywhere. Aaaahahahaa the Joy! The Rapture! The Bliss! And that’s just it. I felt that tug this morning. That tug to be with my beautiful God in the joys of His presence and His kindness.

The Scriptures say that His kindness leads us to repentance. So I repent! Oh I repent! Your tug has captured my heart and I’m all yours. You had me with “Hi There”. Repentance is something walked out and lived. It’s changing directions. So consider direction changed. It’s time to get significantly in touch with God in the secret place more than once in awhile…

Bill Johnson talks about creating and developing a personal history with God, it’s the responsibility of every believer and it cannot be imparted. “it’s easy for me to lay hands on somebody for impartation… but it’s impossible to impart to somebody my history with God” “history is primarily made in the secret place…when nobody is watching” “What can a child get from the mother? They can only get milk. If you’re going to get meat, you’ll have to hunt it on your own” “If you don’t seek Him in crisis, you’ll never seek Him in your success” “If you’ll make history with God, He’ll make history through you.”

Just as David’s defeat of the lion and the bear in the secret positioned him for his defeat of Goliath in the public arena, so our hidden victories in the secret place with God position us for our public victories when the world is watching and the devil is fighting.

For we are more than conquerors through Christ who gives us strength.

Nothing is impossible with God

It’s time to approach the throne of grace with confidence and that comes from knowing I am a son. I have the spirit of adoption. I am a co-heir with Christ. All that is His is for me as well. Thank you God!

God is For You

One of the greatest breakthroughs that has occurred in my mind these past couple years is the reality that God is for me. He really is, in everything, every aspect of my life. Even to this day, there are thoughts, and temptaitons to believe otherwise, but I know the truth. What does this look like practically? Here are just a few examples.

1. Sin. When I sin, God doesn’t separate Himself from me. I used to believe that so much. The salvation story, of God and man being separated by our sin and such seemed to have crept its way into my post salvation mindset as well. I believed if I messed up in some way I was more or less on a time out. That I had to “sit in the corner” as God cleaned the dirt off of me and stayed away from my dirtiness. SUCH A LIE! God is love and love moves close. When you betray those you love, when you hurt them, when you sin, someone who LOVES moves close, they don’t leave you. They move close. The old “Footprints” story comes to mind, and while that story focused on the “tough trials” and difficult seasons, I would let it work in areas of sin as well. 

2. Ministry. When I minister to someone, God isn’t out to sabotage me, and isn’t shy about showing up. I so often would battle with the fear that He is not going to show up when I prophesy or pray for someone’s healing or whatever. That’s a lie too. That would imply that God doesn’t want to show up in someone’s life. That He doesn’t want to change the world and impact it with His love. To minister to someone is to serve someone, to serve someone is to love someone. He shows up, because He wants to and He’s honored to be included in your serving.

3.Personal. When I interact with God personally. He’s not hiding from me, He’s not playing hard to get. It’s not an opportunity to spurn me on to striving to be with Him. The question is: “Am I present? Am I really engaging?” It’s not work to do this. It’s conversational, relational and more. In my history I have had difficulty engaging deeply with people, a fear of intimacy more or less. Naturally the same might occur in my interaction with God. He wants intimacy but I got to be there myself, it’s a two way street. As a result, when I simply sit down and chat with Him, it can be beautiful. When I’m fully present, there, available, interested, He shows up and He loves it. I give, He receives. He gives, I receive… It’s beautiful. 

Those are just a few examples, but there are so many more… Maybe I’ll add them later….

Thoughts on Purity

I used to struggle a lot with purity. Things like lust, pornography, masturbation and such. Many if not most guys do. It’s always been kind of a hush hush thing in Christendom. I’m thankful to modern purity movements who are removing the shame and releasing redemption for those who’ve been caught in addiction and lost in lust. I know what that felt like. It felt like I was enslaved, trapped, out of control, and unable to save myself or get help of any kind. Scriptural concepts like the one that says “He will never let you be tempted beyond what you can endure…” seemed ineffectual at the least.

Lately I’ve been enjoying a season of pure thoughts and healthy habits. I think much of this has to do with meeting my needs. I believe I talked on this before and so I won’t go into depth. Being aware each day of what’s missing or how I am feeling, and taking steps to meeting those needs often positions me for healthy choices and contentment.

The other day I was thinking about lust and temptation and I believe when one tends to try to meet their needs in an unhealthy way in these areas it often has to do with the need for closeness, intimacy, or acceptance. This led me to believe that often in the time of greatest temptation one could be facing an opportunity for a deep and intimate encounter with God. That the actual need for closeness paired with one turning his affections toward the Father would in turn produce a deep encounter with God that would be life giving, mind renewing, and heart refreshing…

I believe that when the enemy presents a temptation to our mind he is aware of our unmet needs and he wants to distract us from meeting that need in the arms of Christ. That temptation may in fact be an indicator of an invitation to enter into the deepest places of intimacy with the Father. Oh that I might be able to recognize and embrace that in the future everytime temptation comes…

Peace to you, to your mind, to your heart. May His face shine upon you. May His grace empower you. And may His love embrace you.

Hello Mister Bible

I greeted my Bible tonight and felt like we have suffered from a distant relationship as of late. I find within me a longing to recapture the old days of disciplined reading. The days when I would have a reading plan and slowly progress through the whole giant thing! Those days were a bit more religious but my motivation was good at the heart of it all. Lately I’ve been going where I felt led and God has led me to the Psalms often and Jude occasionally as well. Things that build, encourage, and protect my soul. It’s good stuff. But I kind of miss everything else. Dwelling on one book or a set of scriptures over long times is great, but I find myself needing to progress through the rest of that beautiful best-seller of a book. 

What do I do? I haven’t had a successful and formal devotional time in years. It’s been more of a random day to day deal which seemed to work well for me, but as my life gets busier, randomness doesn’t play well. Thus the battle of value. What do I value most? If there is one thing I’ve been more aware of than anything else these past few weeks/months, it would be my needs. Now comes the balance, oh the balance. 

So my balance must become - Time with God, Time with People, Time with Work, Time with Food, Time with Myself, Time with Responsibilities…

So Mister Bible. I’ll be seeing more of you soon. You’ll be in my schedule, my life schedule. We’ll be friends and you will lead me into encounters with my beautiful God and my beautiful God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, will lead me into all truth and it will be wonderful…

meeting needs

It’s funny how you can sit in a culture and hear tons of great stuff for two years and not let it sink in. 

At Bethel I’ve probably learned on 5 levels or so. 

1. Theological - Lot’s of amazing revelation and new ways of looking at scripture

2. Emotional/Spiritual Mindsets - Changing the way I think (which is a definition of repentance)

3. Feeling - Knowing God’s presence through experience, encounter, impression, feelings

4. Relationships - With God & People, how to communicate, confront, empower, and be myself.

5. Myself - To know Thyself…. (wow)

Some things came in and are more retained forms of knowledge/experience (theology) but some things didn’t sink in apparently and now I’m learning them. Especially the stuff about me. My mentor at school pointed out the beautiful classic phrase “Know Thyself” to me in a 1 on 1 session the other day. I am on a journey into that place and it’s a beautiful journey. I can sense the excitement of the Holy Spirit in this as well. A person who knows himself, knows his needs, and knows his passions. When he knows those things he is alive, and when he is alive, he does what he loves, and when he does what he loves, the world is blessed. 

So I must meet my needs, that’s important. If my needs remain unmet, then I become unhappy, if I become unhappy I may be open to temptation for meeting needs in unhealthy/easier ways. When I need to be with friends and have fun, I need to find someone or people to hang out with. When I need to be alone with Jesus, I need to go to that secret place and enjoy His presence. When I need to express myself, I must do things I’m passionate about, and so forth. To know thyself means to know your needs. To know what your heart is hungry for and then hopefully after awhile of self-discovery, you can develop a lifestyle and feeds and fuels your passions and needs on a regular basis… The great thing is, this will draw you closer to God, because the more you meet your needs the hungrier you become for more of God’s presence. I’ve learned that as I become more aware of my passions, my dreams, and my needs, that I realize so much of them were written on my heart by God and he often fuels the creativity and inspiration that make them come alive. But not only that, a healthy lifestyle breeds the desire to be with Him more, not as obligation, but actually as a form of recharging and refreshing and even simply being in love.

This is just me thinking out loud, maybe you have some thoughts on this?

Learning lots...

This Internship is turning out to be quite challenging and growing. I’m even more excited about it than I was before, which was a lot. Initially, I had thought it would be more or less, a piece of cake. Simple pastoring. But the team dynamics, the culture of honor, confrontation, empowerment is all finding me many opportunities to grow, perhaps the word might even be grow up. Here are some ways I see myself growing a lot this year:

1. Empowerment. I’ve learned that much of my life I was raised not really having to make decisions for myself. I think this is the case in many if not most American families. Children aren’t always raised in such the empowering way that they have to “think” about their decisions, and in some cases even make important decisions for themselves. I’ve always known myself to be relatively indecisive, but never truly grasped that that may be a sign of a bigger issue. The lack of maturity in making wise decisions period. A wise decision could be anywhere as simple as what to do today or major life choices. This weakness is evident in many decisions I’ve made in the past that have caused problems for me financially, time wasting, and more. My internship mentor is very empowering and is expecting us to make smart, educated decisions as a team, and to think things through when counseling students and suggesting ideas. It’s great! I’ve already made a mistake affecting team unity and communication. Which leads me to my next area of growth.

2. Confrontation. I’ve grown in passive environments most of my life. Bethel is very confrontational (lovingly of course) in their approach to relationships. This is because there are a lot of strong and powerful personalities in the environment and more gets done when people are moving. But when people are moving they can bump into each other. When I made my first noticeable mistake team wise I approached my mentor about it and he was able to point out things I didn’t even realize I was doing in the whole process. He did it lovingly and encouragingly. This enabled me to feel empowered to clean up whatever mess I could clean up and to not make the same mistake twice. Good stuff.

3. Counseling. Wow! I’m going to be getting to do a lot of this. One on one’s with students, some it will be more like coaching and others more counseling oriented. All depending on where they are and what their needs are. This is a great growth opportunity for me in areas like wisdom, insight, and hearing God’s voice. Other things I need growth in include not thinking so much about the people I am pastoring/counseling when I’m not doing it. Apparently I can be a bit empathetic causing me to think about how I can be of help and an encouragement more than necessary. I am definitely going to need to seek advice on that one, as I’m not sure how to shut down my overly analytical and problem solving brain. :-)

4. Pastoring. I LOVE PASTORING! It has truly made me come alive. I am so excited to be doing this internship. It is really confirming the direction I’m moving and the calling on my life. I know there are areas where I must grow in this, but for now, until I discover them, I am enjoying the ride. Probably the biggest area of growth so far is time management. Not “over-pastoring” and giving myself time to re-charge. I did that today. Just had fun and took the day off. I will protect my Saturday’s as a sabbath of sorts.

All things considered, this year is apparently shaping up to be an amazing adventure. A time of activation and challenge. I contribute much of this to the amazing mentor I get to serve under, Lance. He’s carries so much wisdom and experience and the kingdom culture is really engrained in his DNA, which is what I really want for my life… I look forward, so much to gleaning from him and growing in the Lord this year.

coffee?

I’ve been a “regretful” person lately in life. Before you start thinking, “No No No Jeremy! That’s no good.” I already know that. I was watching the worship video on ibethel.tv from our 2nd year Graduation this past May and started to feel some regrets. I really messed up my first two years at Bethel. So often shut down by insecurities and fear, I would often revert to isolation than take a risk. A risk like asking someone to coffee to actually get to know them; to become friends. And then as I thought about that it started making me think again, “Gee, who would want to have coffee with me?’ And I immediately realized probably quite a few people. Why? Because don’t so many of us have the same condition, the same lonely hearts? The idea of someone actually taking interest in us to want to spend time with us and get to know us is actually quite stimulating. It’s quite encouraging. So, would someone want to have coffee with me? Probably so.

For those of you wondering what the heck “coffee” is. Coffee is defined as meeting someone in a shop or cafe that serves coffee and connecting with them on a personal level. Well, actually, that’s not the definition of coffee, it just seems to be. :-)

Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes for so many in this world is feeling unlovable? I know that much of my life I’ve carried shame, not for something I’ve done, but for being me. Which is an insult to the One who made me. That shame is communicated through shyness, fear, feeling unlovable and other things such as that. But the reality is, I should not be ashamed of who I am for God made me to be me, not someone else. This has been a huge plight on my life, one I’ve dealt with and been dealing with for a long time. Why am I not over it? Apparently I got a lot more healing to do or maybe I just need to stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy and declare myself into reality. Perhaps the very thought, “Gee, who would want to have coffee with me?” was in fact the enemy reminding me of who he wants me to think I am. I’m glad the second thought came, because that’s more true. And then the greatest truth is that we’re all amazing people created by an amazingly creative God who loves us and wants us to know, experience, and share that same type of love with each other. To live in authentic community…. To live in it. I often feel kinda like I was on the edges of the beautiful community experience my class went through last year. The beautiful times of worship and bonding. I didn’t feel connected. That’s not anyone’s fault but mine.  It’s time to change that. To initiate, risk, and enjoy my life. So here’s to coffee, connection, and no more regrets! 

I look forward to living more clearly aware of who I am to God and myself.