Sitting in the House of God

the tug

2010-11-28T23:16:00.001-08:00

I’m gonna set aside time and spend it with God. Lots of time. I’m gonna get deep, intimate, personal with God and it’s gonna be great!!!” I’ve thought that a lot. I’ve done it too. But it never has lasted. Why? There’s been this tug. A tug to “not” do it. This tug suggests other things like spending time with people, with television, movies, internet, etc. This tug never seemed to work out much for my well being. This tug has kept me from some much needed growth many years ago. So I ask myself, “Am I in a place I could have been 8 years ago?” I won’t let myself go there because that will just produce regret. Rather it’s time for me to pay attention to a certain other “tug”.

“Hi there.” That’s what I heard this morning in church. “I like it when you’re with me.” Yes, that was God. He talks to me a lot. It’s amazing how I could spend so much time not listening to the creator of the universe and the lover of my soul. I said “Hi” back this morning and it got emotional. The first sentence in this blog came to mind again as my emotions stirred and my eyes watered. I have a beautiful connection with my Jesus, an amazing connection with my Father, a beautiful relationship with my Holy Spirit. I don’t say that smugly, I say that in regard to the foundation of my understanding with God. The humbling or perhaps embarrassing thing is how little time I actually spend alone with God. That’s the irony. The foundation of my relationship runs deep but HOW DEEP COULD IT ACTUALLY BE!? When he says “Hi There” I get glimpses. Glimpses into the glory of my life running side by side with Jesus taking the world by the horns and releasing His beautiful kingdom rich with love on unsuspecting people everywhere. Aaaahahahaa the Joy! The Rapture! The Bliss! And that’s just it. I felt that tug this morning. That tug to be with my beautiful God in the joys of His presence and His kindness.

The Scriptures say that His kindness leads us to repentance. So I repent! Oh I repent! Your tug has captured my heart and I’m all yours. You had me with “Hi There”. Repentance is something walked out and lived. It’s changing directions. So consider direction changed. It’s time to get significantly in touch with God in the secret place more than once in awhile…

Bill Johnson talks about creating and developing a personal history with God, it’s the responsibility of every believer and it cannot be imparted. “it’s easy for me to lay hands on somebody for impartation… but it’s impossible to impart to somebody my history with God” “history is primarily made in the secret place…when nobody is watching” “What can a child get from the mother? They can only get milk. If you’re going to get meat, you’ll have to hunt it on your own” “If you don’t seek Him in crisis, you’ll never seek Him in your success” “If you’ll make history with God, He’ll make history through you.”

Just as David’s defeat of the lion and the bear in the secret positioned him for his defeat of Goliath in the public arena, so our hidden victories in the secret place with God position us for our public victories when the world is watching and the devil is fighting.

For we are more than conquerors through Christ who gives us strength.

Nothing is impossible with God

It’s time to approach the throne of grace with confidence and that comes from knowing I am a son. I have the spirit of adoption. I am a co-heir with Christ. All that is His is for me as well. Thank you God!

God is For You

2010-11-24T22:50:00.001-08:00

One of the greatest breakthroughs that has occurred in my mind these past couple years is the reality that God is for me. He really is, in everything, every aspect of my life. Even to this day, there are thoughts, and temptaitons to believe otherwise, but I know the truth. What does this look like practically? Here are just a few examples.

1. Sin. When I sin, God doesn’t separate Himself from me. I used to believe that so much. The salvation story, of God and man being separated by our sin and such seemed to have crept its way into my post salvation mindset as well. I believed if I messed up in some way I was more or less on a time out. That I had to “sit in the corner” as God cleaned the dirt off of me and stayed away from my dirtiness. SUCH A LIE! God is love and love moves close. When you betray those you love, when you hurt them, when you sin, someone who LOVES moves close, they don’t leave you. They move close. The old “Footprints” story comes to mind, and while that story focused on the “tough trials” and difficult seasons, I would let it work in areas of sin as well.

2. Ministry. When I minister to someone, God isn’t out to sabotage me, and isn’t shy about showing up. I so often would battle with the fear that He is not going to show up when I prophesy or pray for someone’s healing or whatever. That’s a lie too. That would imply that God doesn’t want to show up in someone’s life. That He doesn’t want to change the world and impact it with His love. To minister to someone is to serve someone, to serve someone is to love someone. He shows up, because He wants to and He’s honored to be included in your serving.

3.Personal. When I interact with God personally. He’s not hiding from me, He’s not playing hard to get. It’s not an opportunity to spurn me on to striving to be with Him. The question is: “Am I present? Am I really engaging?” It’s not work to do this. It’s conversational, relational and more. In my history I have had difficulty engaging deeply with people, a fear of intimacy more or less. Naturally the same might occur in my interaction with God. He wants intimacy but I got to be there myself, it’s a two way street. As a result, when I simply sit down and chat with Him, it can be beautiful. When I’m fully present, there, available, interested, He shows up and He loves it. I give, He receives. He gives, I receive… It’s beautiful.

Those are just a few examples, but there are so many more… Maybe I’ll add them later….

Thoughts on Purity

2010-11-24T22:49:00.001-08:00

I used to struggle a lot with purity. Things like lust, pornography, masturbation and such. Many if not most guys do. It’s always been kind of a hush hush thing in Christendom. I’m thankful to modern purity movements who are removing the shame and releasing redemption for those who’ve been caught in addiction and lost in lust. I know what that felt like. It felt like I was enslaved, trapped, out of control, and unable to save myself or get help of any kind. Scriptural concepts like the one that says “He will never let you be tempted beyond what you can endure…” seemed ineffectual at the least.

Lately I’ve been enjoying a season of pure thoughts and healthy habits. I think much of this has to do with meeting my needs. I believe I talked on this before and so I won’t go into depth. Being aware each day of what’s missing or how I am feeling, and taking steps to meeting those needs often positions me for healthy choices and contentment.

The other day I was thinking about lust and temptation and I believe when one tends to try to meet their needs in an unhealthy way in these areas it often has to do with the need for closeness, intimacy, or acceptance. This led me to believe that often in the time of greatest temptation one could be facing an opportunity for a deep and intimate encounter with God. That the actual need for closeness paired with one turning his affections toward the Father would in turn produce a deep encounter with God that would be life giving, mind renewing, and heart refreshing…

I believe that when the enemy presents a temptation to our mind he is aware of our unmet needs and he wants to distract us from meeting that need in the arms of Christ. That temptation may in fact be an indicator of an invitation to enter into the deepest places of intimacy with the Father. Oh that I might be able to recognize and embrace that in the future everytime temptation comes…

Peace to you, to your mind, to your heart. May His face shine upon you. May His grace empower you. And may His love embrace you.

Hello Mister Bible

2010-10-16T23:34:00.001-07:00

I greeted my Bible tonight and felt like we have suffered from a distant relationship as of late. I find within me a longing to recapture the old days of disciplined reading. The days when I would have a reading plan and slowly progress through the whole giant thing! Those days were a bit more religious but my motivation was good at the heart of it all. Lately I’ve been going where I felt led and God has led me to the Psalms often and Jude occasionally as well. Things that build, encourage, and protect my soul. It’s good stuff. But I kind of miss everything else. Dwelling on one book or a set of scriptures over long times is great, but I find myself needing to progress through the rest of that beautiful best-seller of a book.

What do I do? I haven’t had a successful and formal devotional time in years. It’s been more of a random day to day deal which seemed to work well for me, but as my life gets busier, randomness doesn’t play well. Thus the battle of value. What do I value most? If there is one thing I’ve been more aware of than anything else these past few weeks/months, it would be my needs. Now comes the balance, oh the balance.

So my balance must become - Time with God, Time with People, Time with Work, Time with Food, Time with Myself, Time with Responsibilities…

So Mister Bible. I’ll be seeing more of you soon. You’ll be in my schedule, my life schedule. We’ll be friends and you will lead me into encounters with my beautiful God and my beautiful God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, will lead me into all truth and it will be wonderful…

meeting needs

2010-10-07T00:30:00.001-07:00

It’s funny how you can sit in a culture and hear tons of great stuff for two years and not let it sink in.

At Bethel I’ve probably learned on 5 levels or so.

1. Theological - Lot’s of amazing revelation and new ways of looking at scripture

2. Emotional/Spiritual Mindsets - Changing the way I think (which is a definition of repentance)

3. Feeling - Knowing God’s presence through experience, encounter, impression, feelings

4. Relationships - With God & People, how to communicate, confront, empower, and be myself.

5. Myself - To know Thyself…. (wow)

Some things came in and are more retained forms of knowledge/experience (theology) but some things didn’t sink in apparently and now I’m learning them. Especially the stuff about me. My mentor at school pointed out the beautiful classic phrase “Know Thyself” to me in a 1 on 1 session the other day. I am on a journey into that place and it’s a beautiful journey. I can sense the excitement of the Holy Spirit in this as well. A person who knows himself, knows his needs, and knows his passions. When he knows those things he is alive, and when he is alive, he does what he loves, and when he does what he loves, the world is blessed.

So I must meet my needs, that’s important. If my needs remain unmet, then I become unhappy, if I become unhappy I may be open to temptation for meeting needs in unhealthy/easier ways. When I need to be with friends and have fun, I need to find someone or people to hang out with. When I need to be alone with Jesus, I need to go to that secret place and enjoy His presence. When I need to express myself, I must do things I’m passionate about, and so forth. To know thyself means to know your needs. To know what your heart is hungry for and then hopefully after awhile of self-discovery, you can develop a lifestyle and feeds and fuels your passions and needs on a regular basis… The great thing is, this will draw you closer to God, because the more you meet your needs the hungrier you become for more of God’s presence. I’ve learned that as I become more aware of my passions, my dreams, and my needs, that I realize so much of them were written on my heart by God and he often fuels the creativity and inspiration that make them come alive. But not only that, a healthy lifestyle breeds the desire to be with Him more, not as obligation, but actually as a form of recharging and refreshing and even simply being in love.

This is just me thinking out loud, maybe you have some thoughts on this?

Learning lots...

2010-09-26T00:50:00.001-07:00

This Internship is turning out to be quite challenging and growing. I’m even more excited about it than I was before, which was a lot. Initially, I had thought it would be more or less, a piece of cake. Simple pastoring. But the team dynamics, the culture of honor, confrontation, empowerment is all finding me many opportunities to grow, perhaps the word might even be grow up. Here are some ways I see myself growing a lot this year:

1. Empowerment. I’ve learned that much of my life I was raised not really having to make decisions for myself. I think this is the case in many if not most American families. Children aren’t always raised in such the empowering way that they have to “think” about their decisions, and in some cases even make important decisions for themselves. I’ve always known myself to be relatively indecisive, but never truly grasped that that may be a sign of a bigger issue. The lack of maturity in making wise decisions period. A wise decision could be anywhere as simple as what to do today or major life choices. This weakness is evident in many decisions I’ve made in the past that have caused problems for me financially, time wasting, and more. My internship mentor is very empowering and is expecting us to make smart, educated decisions as a team, and to think things through when counseling students and suggesting ideas. It’s great! I’ve already made a mistake affecting team unity and communication. Which leads me to my next area of growth.

2. Confrontation. I’ve grown in passive environments most of my life. Bethel is very confrontational (lovingly of course) in their approach to relationships. This is because there are a lot of strong and powerful personalities in the environment and more gets done when people are moving. But when people are moving they can bump into each other. When I made my first noticeable mistake team wise I approached my mentor about it and he was able to point out things I didn’t even realize I was doing in the whole process. He did it lovingly and encouragingly. This enabled me to feel empowered to clean up whatever mess I could clean up and to not make the same mistake twice. Good stuff.

3. Counseling. Wow! I’m going to be getting to do a lot of this. One on one’s with students, some it will be more like coaching and others more counseling oriented. All depending on where they are and what their needs are. This is a great growth opportunity for me in areas like wisdom, insight, and hearing God’s voice. Other things I need growth in include not thinking so much about the people I am pastoring/counseling when I’m not doing it. Apparently I can be a bit empathetic causing me to think about how I can be of help and an encouragement more than necessary. I am definitely going to need to seek advice on that one, as I’m not sure how to shut down my overly analytical and problem solving brain. :-)

4. Pastoring. I LOVE PASTORING! It has truly made me come alive. I am so excited to be doing this internship. It is really confirming the direction I’m moving and the calling on my life. I know there are areas where I must grow in this, but for now, until I discover them, I am enjoying the ride. Probably the biggest area of growth so far is time management. Not “over-pastoring” and giving myself time to re-charge. I did that today. Just had fun and took the day off. I will protect my Saturday’s as a sabbath of sorts.

All things considered, this year is apparently shaping up to be an amazing adventure. A time of activation and challenge. I contribute much of this to the amazing mentor I get to serve under, Lance. He’s carries so much wisdom and experience and the kingdom culture is really engrained in his DNA, which is what I really want for my life… I look forward, so much to gleaning from him and growing in the Lord this year.

coffee?

2010-09-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a “regretful” person lately in life. Before you start thinking, “No No No Jeremy! That’s no good.” I already know that. I was watching the worship video on ibethel.tv from our 2nd year Graduation this past May and started to feel some regrets. I really messed up my first two years at Bethel. So often shut down by insecurities and fear, I would often revert to isolation than take a risk. A risk like asking someone to coffee to actually get to know them; to become friends. And then as I thought about that it started making me think again, “Gee, who would want to have coffee with me?’ And I immediately realized probably quite a few people. Why? Because don’t so many of us have the same condition, the same lonely hearts? The idea of someone actually taking interest in us to want to spend time with us and get to know us is actually quite stimulating. It’s quite encouraging. So, would someone want to have coffee with me? Probably so.

For those of you wondering what the heck “coffee” is. Coffee is defined as meeting someone in a shop or cafe that serves coffee and connecting with them on a personal level. Well, actually, that’s not the definition of coffee, it just seems to be. :-)

Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes for so many in this world is feeling unlovable? I know that much of my life I’ve carried shame, not for something I’ve done, but for being me. Which is an insult to the One who made me. That shame is communicated through shyness, fear, feeling unlovable and other things such as that. But the reality is, I should not be ashamed of who I am for God made me to be me, not someone else. This has been a huge plight on my life, one I’ve dealt with and been dealing with for a long time. Why am I not over it? Apparently I got a lot more healing to do or maybe I just need to stop agreeing with the lies of the enemy and declare myself into reality. Perhaps the very thought, “Gee, who would want to have coffee with me?” was in fact the enemy reminding me of who he wants me to think I am. I’m glad the second thought came, because that’s more true. And then the greatest truth is that we’re all amazing people created by an amazingly creative God who loves us and wants us to know, experience, and share that same type of love with each other. To live in authentic community…. To live in it. I often feel kinda like I was on the edges of the beautiful community experience my class went through last year. The beautiful times of worship and bonding. I didn’t feel connected. That’s not anyone’s fault but mine. It’s time to change that. To initiate, risk, and enjoy my life. So here’s to coffee, connection, and no more regrets!

I look forward to living more clearly aware of who I am to God and myself.

passionless passion...

2010-09-01T22:43:00.001-07:00

When half your heart is missing and you don’t know where it went, you feel like life is just going through the motions. Mindless, empty, without passion, without feeling. Your spirit is moving, feeling, experiencing, but your flesh is without feeling, empty. Such a strange feeling. Such a weirdness.

My spirit is receiving and giving both to God and man. My spirit is experiencing His presence, His downloads of revelation and grace. My spirit is moving along like nothing is missing. My spirit is half my heart, the half I can see and feel.

My flesh is missing, lost. It has disappeared and gone to a far off land. The physical and emotional passion that normally responds to my spirit is nowhere to be found and thus all desire and passion is unfelt, yet there.

My mind, naturally, is in such a quandary. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I find it hard to work up the desire to express passion toward God and ministry and such. I find talking about God and thinking about God an empty endeavor. I find expressing the call on my life and furthering the kingdom to be the last of my passions or desires. But, it’s there. I want Him, I want to see the kingdom move in power and change our world. I want all that. I just don’t feel it.

Where is the other half of my heart? My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak? Is that what this is? Am I tired? Am I afraid to trust? Has my heart been broken in two and the other half is locked away in a box waiting to trust again?

And so I am here Lord, going through the motions, moving in His love and experiencing His presence, but not feeling it at all. My body might manifest His interactions with me, but half my heart feels nothing.

What will it take for me to trust again? To let my flesh follow my spirit and respond to the work of God wholeheartedly?

And so I walk, emotionless, yet in love. Broken, yet whole. Feeling dead, yet fully alive. Strong and mighty, yet feeling vulnerable and weak. What a paradox, what a quandary, what a hilarious place to be!

So I will laugh, I will love, I will laugh and I will love again. I will walk as if I am feeling the passion of God for people and the love He has for me. I will walk that way and perhaps, just perhaps my trust might crack open the box where the other half of my heart has been locked away. Perhaps I will feel again, perhaps the rumblings of heaven’s love, joy, peace, and passion will burst forth and grip me as they have time and time past. I think that will happen, no, I know it. Because faithfulness is part of who God is and He doesn’t change. So this heart of mine will eventually come around and believe that again. For He will not abandon me, He will not forsake me. That’s what Jesus experienced for me. I am His and He is mine.

There it is…. I can see the box cracking and the light shining in….

Irrepressible JOY

2010-08-26T17:20:00.003-07:00

Irrepressible joy. Sounds good doesn’t it? To be content and happy no matter what. That is what MUST become a part of my life. It is a part of my life, I must tap into it. It being the fullness of God in me. I have everything I need for abundance in this life. Everything is Him. He has claimed me as His own and I, as a result am pursued, held, and embraced by the perfect, powerful, loving King of heaven and earth and my every moment. There is nothing that can dethrone Him. My sin, my rebellion, my confusion, my unbelief cannot dethrone Him because He is king. What matter of mindset is it that believes that God is so weak that we can remove Him from His rule? Yet so often when I rebel, I think I’ve taken His ownership of my life and thrown it out the window, but He says ALL things work together for good for those who love God. If the word All truly means that by which it is defined then even the bad stuff I choose to do, or the good stuff, or the misguided stuff, the wrong direction stuff, every bit of stuff that I in fact do, works together for my good? Wha?

Irrepressible joy. When life hits you hard, you smile, when everything falls around you, you remain okay, because He’s got you. He HAS YOU! Can it be true? What is faith, but the substance of things hoped for and the conviction of things unseen! When I know how much I am loved, I will know joy.

Irrepressible joy. I want it.

malaise

2010-08-23T21:28:00.001-07:00

The broader emphasis in my life has been a mix of the mundane and rabbit hole hopes. Not that the hopes were hard to reach, but I treated them as such. What foolishness. So do I live my life regretting poor choices and the monotony of the past or do I redeem the days lost and live full and free the rest of my days. Better, I at 31 do this now than find myself regretting such things at 70.

Regretting the days past only continue the cycle of regret, redeeming the days past by living full and free ends regret and opens new horizons.

Picking yourself up can be such a disaster. The runaway rabbit seems far gone by now and often I think, do I start all over? Am I a baby again? This baby is scared of this big world with scary monsters and new things. Vulnerability, Risks, Relationships. These things I have skirted around softly and with relative control. I’ve spent most of my life protecting myself from rejection and risky investments in others. Such choices have left me with surface friendships apart from those with such grace that they have loved me so much that my heart opened to them. The same choices have kept me from going after my dreams, wait, realizing my dreams. Many of you reading this might be able to name at least one hobby, one dream. I’ve spent most of my life with neither. Can a man truly be passionate about nothing? My passion has been to escape, imagine, and wish I was somewhere else. But that gets me nowhere.

This newfound vulnerability has left me feeling and possibly looking quite foolish in front of people with whom I am taking risks. Speaking to a potential boss in looking for a job unable to find words, stumbling, looking dumb. I’ve done that a million times, what’s wrong this time? This transition is taking me through many agonies of heart that coupled with the enemy’s attempts for my mind is making me feel naked in a sense. I don’t have any defense mechanisms with which to hide behind and therefore I find myself there, just there, out in the open, for all to see. Who is this mysterious man who we’ve all seen over the years but never really known? I can’t even answer that question, but I am curious who I will become.

My whole life I have felt this immense underlying power/calling brewing and waiting to surface. Often ashamed to think about it no less mention it, often in high school and college I would find myself relating most to Moses in the Bible. A man afraid to do what the Lord has called him to, but carrying an anointing unlike any other in his day. Could I in fact be a man such as he? The only thing making such a separation is a choice. A choice to say yes I will as Moses did, or to run, much like Jonah. When my mind turns away from the immensity of this dream of the man I might be, I often relate to Jonah, who ran, who was cynical and bitter. That is a man of regret. I do not want to be that man.

In college, a friend encouraged me once with 3 (3x5) cards over 3 days. The first said: “Peter shook…” and referenced a scripture where Peter showed great fear and trembling. He was a coward in that situation. I was a bit confused and put off by that card. But the next day I received a second card that continued the phrase: “…the world” and referenced a scripture showing the effect Peter had on the world with the gospel of Jesus Christ. The third day a card said: “God uses cowards”. Wow. I wasn’t sure whether that was an insult or a compliment, but it was effective in its own sense. Today those 3 cards are speaking to me more than ever, as I find myself afraid of these new challenges that I’ve been introduced to in my time at Bethel. Where Christianity is no longer easy and faith is what glues my walk with Christ together. If I pray for someone, something is supposed to happen… faith. Will I back away, stand firm, or advance on enemy lines.

This is going to be a challenging year for me. I want to be challenged, I want to shake things up in my life and I want a revolution within my heart that releases reformation and revival around me.

God has given me three things: Power, Love, and a Sound Mind. Therefore I embrace those three things with all that I have and cry, “Holy Spirit, I cannot do it without you. I need you Holy Spirit, I need you.”

back to Bethel

2010-08-20T18:40:00.001-07:00

Currently sitting in Hebrews at Bethel Church’s lobby. Lots of new faces walking around this lobby area. Most likely a mix of the regular visitor’s this church attracts and some of the new students coming to 1st year. Students I will have the joy of being involved with this year. I’m very excited about this opportunity to invest in the dreams and passions of first year students this year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.

I’ve had a summer of ups and downs so the awkward transition from some rough times to this new season of amazingness has felt a bit weird. I feel almost like I’ve just arrived in Redding for the first time, and like I’ve never left. The mass amounts of new students truly creates an environment of newness and transition.

Transition has always been a battle for me, and the Lord is clearly being intentional with me on this matter. He wants me to win this and cruise faithfully through every season of life. I’m stoked about the opportunity to experience His greatness in all seasons good, bad, and ugly.

My prayer for this year is two-fold:

for me: growth, faithfulness, leadership, prosperity of soul and life, L-O-V-E!

for the new students: breakthrough, identity realized and actualized, transformation, reformation

moonsets

2010-08-18T04:13:00.001-07:00

The moon turned 4 different colors and grew 4 larger sizes in the past hour. It just set. First white, then yellow, then orange, then red, then nothing. Gradually larger as it came to greet the horizon and set for the night at just about 1 in the morning.

Moonsets are often overshadowed by their popular cousin, the sunset, but man are they beautiful as well. Hawaii is a great land covered in beauty all around that seemingly complements the surrounding ocean waters and clouds and sunrises and sunsets, and even moonrises and moonsets. Here on Maui I saw my first moonbow, it’s like a grey scale rainbow, amazing and rarely found in this world! Hawaii is a rare gem, a beautiful place and it is now time, once again for me to say goodbye to this land, this ‘aina to which I’ve called home for 9 years now.

This summer ended much like a moonset, in the shadow of a greater potentiality, a greater summer that could have been. Boy did I hit it off running. One of the greatest periods of my life… maybe. What I found was myself not being distracted or tempted by the typical things the enemy tries to hang me up with. Nope, I felt free and interested in God and all things pertaining to Him. It was such a season of rest, peace, and wholeness. I felt whole. But something happened and that didn’t last. Some of the issues of life crept up on me and the enemy was able to break through my defenses a few times. How frustrating. Then the grand hoorah finale when this court situation brewed and my insecurities enlarged. Suddenly I felt out of control, like a victim, broken, defeated, and misjudged. (*on a side note, I truly think there is nothing I hate more in this world than being falsely accused. I truly cannot imagine how Jesus did it. The temptation just to snap His fingers and end it all must’ve been incredible. Jesus is my inspiration).

This summer was shaping up to be the best, it ended up kind of with a thud. So where do I go with this? What have I learned? Is there beauty in the thud, the underwhelming part?

Off the top of my head I think I’ve learned:

1. My attention must be on Christ. Holy Spirit must fill up what has been left empty by the former sins and death cursing my heart.

2. God’s grace is sufficient and never ending. He loves me to the end, even when I can’t believe it.

3. He catches me in the darkest hour of my life.

4. I must risk, and be vulnerable, I must be willing to fail, and not be in control. I must.

5. I just don’t know a lot….

So this, my final night on Maui, I bid you all sweet dreams, and may the moonset seasons bring forth fruit as well…

Commitments.

2010-08-17T21:59:00.001-07:00

They should have me committed for all the times I have (re)-committed myself to a position of love, loyalty, worship, honor of God. What sort of life is this that I lead? Back and forth and to and fro, shifting like the sands of the sea and building and crashing like the waves.
What is this non-sense I am speaking of? Just the inconsistencies of my hearts affections toward my Jesus.
As I walked the halls of the hotel yesterday doing some sort of delivery all I could think about is whether love truly is a choice or is it a feeling/an affection of the heart. Is what I most love, that which I give most of my time and thoughts to? If that’s true then my love would probably be “distraction”. Distraction from the things in life that weigh me down, the stuff I fear, the monotony. In light of the recent unhealthy addictive patterns in my life, I have found myself fundamentally replacing such cravings with whatever is “new”! A new app for my iPad, a new tv show, a movie, a blog, a new or different thing to do. I seem unsettled, and my heart seems fleeting.
What happened to my first love? Where are my hearts affections? I miss my Father, my God. It all seems so hard sometimes, like I gotta force myself to enjoy spending time with God. So many people talk about trying harder to spend devotions with God, to pray more, etc. I see famous pastor’s talk about their weak prayer life. What’s going on? Spending time with God… Lots of time, should be such a fundamentally strong desire for this new creation.
As I drove home last night, the cool midnight Maui air hitting my face, I thought of people who seem to have that deep relationship whereas they love and thoroughly enjoy spending lots of time completely wrapped up and distracted in the simple jog of loving God. Then I thought of myself and many other Christians who seem to struggle to get through a 30 minute quiet time without getting bored. Where is the disconnect?

And so it seems I am a lost found person. I have been found by Jesus but seem lost in His grace. There are times when I am completely smitten by Him but there are too many more times when it would seem that I could care less. There are those times, a random worship song, a familiar moment, a memory, when suddenly a deep longing for quality time spent with Him rushes over me and I flat out get emotional, but then that moment flies away just as quickly as it comes.
Can I just run and scream for awhile? Is this what love really looks like? Moments of passionate emotion-filled affection filled with reckless abandon and untethered love… And then sometimes long periods of pure reliance on a commitment made years ago, even when everything inside could seem to care less? I don’t like that! It just doesn’t seem right. There has got to be more. My marriage can’t look like that, and my relationship with God mustn’t either.

And so I have a mission, a calling, a passion to run with. To fight for relationship, to fight for love. I must find my love, I must know my God! This is not just preparation for my marriage, this is marriage to the bridegroom, Jesus. Lord help me love, give me grace to engage without distraction. I am yours. So I will wait, I will press in, I will find my love, and I will know Him as I am known.

Thoughts anyone??

Freedom's Implications

2010-08-17T21:57:00.001-07:00

have felt very insecure lately. I don’t believe this is entirely external, but rather some deep seeded concerns have been surfacing.

My two years in the Bethel experiment have had a glorious impact on my life, while at the same time a very scary implication as well. Bethel is a place engrossed in freedom and grace. In such a place I find the same grace and freedom engaging me in every area of my life. It is both beautiful and terrifying.
I grew up in a very stable, legalistic, Bible rules oriented system. Everything was black and white, do or don’t, and had little to do with relationship but more to do with keeping rules of law. Don’t cuss, don’t get drunk, etc..
In an environment of freedom through grace, right and wrong are exemplified by what protects relationship with God and people and what honors God and others.
But in that environment, all my inhibitions are now different, and I have no code of law to live by. So anything that has been deep down and buried inside of me like Anger for instance starts to find a place in my life. And while, obviously many of the rules I abided by before are things that protect relationship, I find that grace waters the roots in my life, good and bad. I find that I am angry about something and it is stealing my joy. I find some serious addictive tendencies, even in things like restraint in eating or time devoted to a video game or something like that.
But most of all, I don’t feel like I have the law as a safety blanket anymore so I have been feeling really insecure. I feel young and weak, like I am a newborn making lots of mistakes and that old law abiding self keeps reminding me of the old days and wanting me to conform to it’s principles rather than fall in love with my Father and learn to protect and honor our relationship. It’s not as easy, yet it should be easier. It’s harder because freedom needs maturity or we get the Corinthian church problems running amuck in our minds.

So the question remains… How do I grow up? Where do I find the courage to do this free life so that I don’t take advantage of my Daddy’s grace?
I am definitely in the right environment to grow up… I pray God it happens. What is my part?

**I wrote this in a season of depression, some of my thoughts have changed, what are yours?

Pain and God

2010-08-17T21:54:00.001-07:00

Many people believe that God uses pain to draw us closer to Him, or to draw our attention to Him. The varying degrees of that view diverge between God using the pain, as in causing it, as I’ve heard such people like Kay Warren suggest. The other view would say He uses the pain we’re in but naturally doesn’t inflict it which is what I’ve heard Britt Merrick say in the midst of his daughters ordeal. I personally agree more with Britt’s view. But that isn’t my subject today. I question whether that is in fact true, that pain draws us closer to God, or causes us to rush to Him?
CS Lewis says, “Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

Is it? One might suggest observing the response of Americans after September 11th. Churches were crowded. Or Haiti after the earthquake, a million people praying and fasting instead of celebrating Mardi Gras. It seems that Lewis would be right.

I look at my life though, and pain usually leads me to question God, to doubt and draw away from Him. It seems to be the opposite of Lewis’ assertion. Perhaps I am cynical or perhaps the attitude I usually end up having when the pressure is on or pain is around leads me to a place of shame before God. A place where I feel half-hearted or unworthy to approach the throne of grace.

What about you? Do you draw close to God when under pressure or in pain emotionally or physically? Or do you draw away?

**Since I originally posted this on tumblr 2 weeks ago, some of my views have changed.... What are yours?

an encouraging culture shift?

2010-08-03T17:03:00.001-07:00

Today at work I checked in a very polite family. The mom was very consistent with making sure the kids said “please” and “thank you”, etc. I got to thinking about things.

Growing up, I noticed how much more difficult it was for me to say something nice or positive to my parents. To approach them with honor in words, or to apologize or reconcile. It was like this surge of pride or a resistance to vulnerability. While saying mean things or disobeying them was really easy, and I didn’t hesitate doing it.

I always wrote that off as being part of our sin nature and so on.

Today I got to thinking, how often to we discourage kids from doing bad! The answer would be “much”. But how little do we encourage them when they do something good?

I like the word “encouragement” because the word “courage” is in it. Whenever I would be mean to my mom and then feel convicted and want to make it right by apologizing, I would find a weak will inside to actually do it. I used to write that off as pride, but I’m not so sure anymore. I think there was a lack of courage to do it. My reasoning goes toward that because I’ve already felt convicted about apologizing, so I know what I need to do, so why would I be divided in doing what I’ve already set my mind to? Rather, the way it felt was like a lack of courage or a fear of the vulnerability that came with. A sort of shame mentality.

I wonder if encouragement of good attitudes and positive communication was super consistent in my relationships if things such as reconciliation and honoring my parents with words of love would not have felt weird, but would have come naturally? At Bethel, the culture is such a place of honor that it’s weird if you don’t encourage someone. It’s strange if you aren’t telling someone how amazingly awesome they are. Even people you don’t know. Why is that? I think it’s partly because it’s encouraged.

I wonder if in some families kids do bad things simply because it is the only time they actually receive attention from their parents. Even if it is negative, at least they got their attention and involvement. If the tide turned and the greater level of attention, encouragement, and love was given across the board and especially with good things, perhaps the desire to honor and keep the trust in a relationship would be more interesting and greater.

It makes me wonder about the impact in society if the tide shifted to encouragement and attention to good deeds and honor. It could create a huge shift. One of the things that got me thinking about this was at work. Some of my colleagues have been complaining that the only time a manager ever comments on their performance is when they do something wrong and they never get a compliment about how well they’re doing. This amps the atmosphere with negativity, poor morale, complaining, and well, anger. That’s merely an example from a workplace, how much more in the greater world culture through media, politics, work, home, church, sports, etc.?

These are just some running thoughts and not super thought out, but maybe you have some thoughts.

What do you think?

the ache

2010-07-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

My heart is aching. I’ve hurt my daddy again. I’ve broken his heart. I’ve betrayed his trust. I’ve looked away from him and onto other things that are deceivably interesting. I expect him, in turn, to look away from me. To put me in the corner for a time-out. No relationship for awhile, no interaction, no love… ?

Apparently I’ve been deceived on both ends. First, to think that something else, someone else, could possibly provide me with more pleasure, interest, or excitement than my daddy… Second, to think that same Father would put our relationship on hold in order to punish me when I look away. Woe is me, for I have been deceived but happy am I that now I am undone. I am undone by love. By this ever reaching grasp that my Father has. This eternal embrace reaching me in the darkest of places and holding me. He is nearer than I could have ever imagined, He is never distant. He doesn’t withdraw, and if it appears that He is, firstly it wouldn’t be when I’m in a bad place, and secondly, it would be an invitation for me to come into His place, His presence; for me to initiate. Relationships are a two way street after all.

So this daddy of mine, smiles all the time. When I’m doing good, when I’m feeling bad, when I’m looking at His enchanting eyes, and when I turn to look somewhere else to find something else. He keeps smiling, because He knows. He knows. He just knows. He knows my motivations, my hurts, my future, my past, and my now. He’s seen my whole life beginning, middle and end and He’s not scared, nope. He’s confident in the good work He’s doing in me, to me, through me. He recognizes His son, Jesus and I, one. Christ in me the hope of glory.

So what? Do I lower my head in shame? Do I withdraw from relationship for fear of testing the limits of grace? Do I keep looking away because I’m afraid to look in His gaze again? Or do I initiate? Do I come back? Do I leave the pig pen and walk home and find my father running to me? What do I do? I think the answer is clear and I choose love. There is no safer place than His embrace, His love, His grace.

Thank you Daddy.

God Hates Rules!!!

2010-07-13T16:02:00.001-07:00

Could that be true?

In the garden of Eden He didn’t make a rule about the tree of knowledge, but rather released a freedom. He freed Adam and Eve to choose. When they chose to break relationship with God and obey Satan, God made a rule to protect their relationship. That rule was banishment from Eden because in Eden was the tree of life. The tree of life makes things “eternal” and God would not have it that mankind would be eternally damned. Rather, He would banish them to protect them because He loved them.

At Mt. Sinai God wanted the Israelites to come up the mountain and fellowship with Him. He wanted relationship, but they chose to be separate and sent an envoy, Moses. They feared that God would kill them, and thus they chose fear over relationship. God made rules, because they wanted them. They wanted principles, not presence. They wanted things to live by instead of God’s words, living and active among them. Yet He remained, in a cloud, in a tabernacle, in fire. He stayed among a people that would reject Him time and again.

At the cross God displayed his sovereignty and omnipotence in an act unlike any other and an act that seems to display weakness. Our God is so powerful that He is willing to risk looking weak to show His love, so He sent Jesus to die. That’s how comfortable He is with Himself. He freed us to choose again. This time to choose relationship again. To unbreak the once broken relationship with God and disobey Satan. To choose His presence again and forget about those rules. A complete reversal from the act in Eden and a reconciliation from the act at Sinai.

Today, each and every person has a choice. To relate or to reject God. The God who so loves everyone risks rejection to protect relationship. His presence is readily available to be encountered and realized. The world may look at the Christian and see a person bound by rules and laws, and some are. Those unfortunate many who think their faith is a set of principles and rules that help them obey a God who actually happens to love them. But there are a few who “get it”. Those few who have seen and understood what God was doing and what He has said and is saying. They know that life is about freedom. Freedom to choose to protect relationship with their Father, their friend. Freedom to choose to honor others and also, freedom to choose the opposite. There need be no rules in relationship, only love. And where love is there is no fear, no rejection, no shame.

wisdom justified...

2010-07-13T12:23:00.001-07:00

“To what then shall I compare the people of this generation, and what are they like? They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling to one another, ‘We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not weep.’ For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, ‘He has a demon.’ The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is justified by all her children.” - Luke 7:31-35

Matthew says, “Wisdom is vindicated by her deeds.”

First look at this passage gave me the following thoughts. I admit, I did little to study the deeper context and cross references, but I feel what I am thinking about this is, in itself, a good thought nonetheless.

There is a sickness in society today. It’s called shallow thinking. People don’t think things through or think for themselves. They believe what they hear and if they don’t, they don’t go so far as to decide what they believe, they just don’t believe in anything. There’s a playboy mentality rompin’ around our society. I’m not referring to sex or the magazine, although there is that too in varying degrees. I’m referring to the term playboy, as someone who just wants to have fun, find pleasure wherever possible, and not have to think. While there is due justice for people to have fun and God himself says that in His presence is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore, people need to think.

King Herod wanted Jesus to do magic tricks for his entertainment and when Jesus didn’t oblige, Herod threw a fit and sent Jesus away. Are we, today, in danger of objectifying people in similar ways? Seeing a friend or an acquaintance as someone who can dance or weep to our flute or our dirge? Are we looking for performers to please us?

In the church I fear that it may play out this way but with a slightly different twist. Are we in the church in danger of judging too quickly, too rashly, with little thought? Do we not think things through and consider the different, the new experience, the person who seems unusual as possibly a carrier of wisdom, of relationship with God? Or do we write them off with little thought because they don’t fit into our mold. When we play the flute, they don’t dance like we want them to, or when we sing the dirge, then don’t cry…. “Hmmm, that’s weird, this person doesn’t fit into my metron of understanding, they must be a kook, a weirdo, they don’t fit into MY Christian mold.”

Yet wisdom is justified by ALL her children. Wisdom is vindicated by her deeds. The first of these two statements speaks diversity to me. The word “All” implores me to accept the new experience, the different Christian, the unusual. God created a lot of people and there are a lot of cultures and a lot of ways to think. People come from different backgrounds and who are we to say that our way of relating to God and “doing” Christianity is the right way. In many ways it is foreign to the Biblical church model anyway. The second statement shows the importance of not judging the different right away. We don’t write people off, we love and accept them, and their fruit tells us the story. What comes from their heart and their lives is the witness to who they are and Whose they are. Whether they have a different set of theological viewpoints, or they just look different (tats, peircings, clothes, etc.) all applies to this.

When our eyes are set on Him and we have a healthy understanding of God’s word and a rich relationship with Jesus, there comes within us a capacity to love the different and the unusual.

I’ll speak on love’s capacity later…

toys.

2010-07-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

Do you think the reason why it’s such a sentimental experience letting go of childhood toys has something to do with the part of us that innately knows that being childlike is a necessary part of our humanity all the way through? Movies like Toy Story or Narnia or stories like Winnie the Pooh and so forth call forth those imaginings.

I remember when I was somewhere between 11 and 14 and I had made the decision to throw away all my toys. To “grow up” more or less. Two trash bags full of transformers, GI Joe’s, stuffed animals and various who’s its and what nots. Ironically, other kids on my blog came by and wanted to rummage through the bag for my toys because they wanted them. They made a mess of my yard leaving the unwanted things strewn about. But how visual a representation of the choice I had made. What I had decided to be childish and of my past, others, younger than me immediately valued in a much greater way. The irony was, I made a choice because it was what I was “supposed” to do. To grow up, but my imagination would have none of it. Instead of toys, now the imaginary world had no probs but would be envisioned in my mind. I would watch cartoons like Batman and immediately pretend I was a superhero, running around my house imagining scenarios where I would have to fight the bad guys or rescue someone. No toys though, nope, too old for that. Instead I would act like a little kid. Those imaginings became more adult like in some ways over the years, but my mind would not lessen its hold on the great world of what could be.

I’m glad my imagination never died, even though it was so expansive and detailed and well “childish?” I’ve thought sometimes that I should write a series of books like Narnia or Lord of the Rings, because I’ve managed to create whole worlds in my mind. What I’ve come to realize is that this “imagination” is simply my capacity to contain the unseen world. What do I mean by that? I’ve learned a little about the spiritual world in the past couple years at Bethel. I say, “a little” because I’m sure the spiritual world is way bigger than our physical world. So perhaps I should say, “very little”. But in that glimpse I have seen the weirdness, the imaginative, the glorious, the beautiful, and I am amazed. Our imaginations are not just imaginations, but containers by which we can relate with God and spiritual things. I believe God speaks to us through imagination. At first it seemed awkward, prophesying to others from pictures or words that appeared in my head (much like imagination), but the fruit from those things, the details coming to pass simply testified to the reality that this stuff is real. Telling a young lady in a good amount of detail what would happen when she leads worship for the first time in class and it all happening just like I said or should I say as the Lord told me to say through words coming through my mouth and pictures, scriptures and words appearing in my container (my mind, my imagination). How cool is that? Seeing an angel in my mind’s eye (hard to explain), yet not with my eyes. The angel giving something to my friend sitting in my living room. I start telling that friend what the angel is doing, sometimes the angel would nod his head “No” if I got it wrong, or “Yes” when I got what he was doing correctly. After everything I said, my friend said I basically read everything he had written in his journal that morning. But I didn’t even know he kept a journal. My container was able to see something I otherwise would have never even noticed. God works through our imagination. I’ve heard stories of a student at my school drawing a box on the street with chalk and having people step in it and they would get healed of whatever ailed them. What is that? Where is that in the Bible? God doesn’t limit us to a book, He’s bigger than that book. The book is the ship in the ocean. It guides us in His presence, it keeps us going in the right direction, but He is the ocean.

I’m so excited to see the depths of His glory in the ocean of His presence. To go deeper and deeper, to let my container get bigger and bigger for Him to speak to me and through me. The best part of it all, is catching fish. He can use these things to reveal the secrets of peoples hearts to them. The callings and passions that they have, that the Lord they don’t even know, gave them.

So here’s to that childlike faith God has given us a capacity to have. Let us embrace it, listen to it, use it, never forget it for even a hundred years…

image credit: http://linedpaper.tumblr.com/

saving...

2010-07-05T03:39:00.001-07:00

I am saving myself for you. I have filled my mind with a mission about a boy saving himself for his bride. I have a long way to go, conflicting thoughts, occasional outbursts, struggles, trials, and temptations all have encouraged me to slip in varying degrees. But I am still here, and I am saving myself for you. Who you are? I don’t know. When you will enter my life? I hope soon. I’ve waited for a long time and have squandered many years, wasting them on childish ventures. It’s time to put that stuff aside and prepare my heart to be a man not a boy, to be a husband faithful, a father not a son, a friend forever.

I am scared. To be so vulnerable, to face intimacy, this will be new to me. I’ve managed to merely scrape the surface of relationships with all friends and perhaps even some family. What does intimacy look like? That’s definitely a question I cannot answer as an authority on the matter. Superficialities, now there is my professional career, I can tell you all about that.

So here we go, I’m kind of embarrased to post this rather “emo” note, but I want to. I got to start somewhere. Might as well be in the superficial safety net called the internet. At least the people reading this for the most part know me personally.

So here’s to growing up! Finally…

2010-07-04T04:11:00.001-07:00

A treasured mix of antiquated sorrows and ridiculous regrets remain in this heart of mine. Too often I hold onto things in my past that have simply gone by the way of things passed by long ago. I hold to them for some stupid reason as if I were a fool with no capacity to recognize the brightness of my present situation and future potentialities. Treasured because I find within my mind an inclination to place them in a higher position of authority than the God who set me free before I was born on a cross 2,000 years ago.
Comparison, depression, dissatisfaction, frustration… All words that end in “on”. All words that I let sit “on” me… my thoughts, my wanderings, my choices, my will. Words that need replacement therapy. New words like passion, mission, vision, direction, satisfaction, sanctification, and redemption must take their rightful places in my heart and mind.
How do I let go? How do I get over my past? How do I get past regret and sorrows over things that have divided my vision and cursed my direction. You see, that’s just it… How do I let go? I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. Retraining the way I think seems so fake, so forced. I want the way I think to come from my innate passion; that new creation that I’m supposed to have become years ago.
Paul talks about laying aside every weight which so easily ensnares us and looking into the eyes of the author and finisher of our faith. I’ve been doing that, but there must be more in His eyes because that’s not helping enough. You are more than enough Jesus. That’s what we hear, that’s what we say, but so often I feel like You play hard to get and well, it hurts. The answer to “hard to get” has become the Proverb that You hide Yourself so that we, as kings will search You out. I can see the point in that but I can’t help but thinking if I had just a little more of a glimpse of Your eyes I’d be all about searching You out. David says that You’ve searched me and You know me. You want us to do the same, so where, how do I start?
Ahh… yeah. I start right here…
Hello… I am here…

Is God in Control?

2010-07-02T05:36:00.001-07:00

How “In Control” does God need to be?
Is there more going on behind the scenes than we can think or imagine? Many people ask questions about why God lets evil happen, why this, why that. I kind of think that since God is infinite, He has seen the end of all things and the beginning before He created anything because He has always been and will always be. He is. As a result, He knows to what level He must intervene in any situation in order for the world not to tumble into complete disarray and ironically with all the efforts of the enemy and God’s seeming lack of involvement (reasons why there are so many athiest/agnostics these days) one would think things are gonna fall apart. But I see one thing in scripture that stands out, God chooses people to do the stuff. What stuff? You know keeping the world from tumbling into disaster, from forgetting God, keeping a people set apart for Him to love Him. He saw faith in a man named Noah in a time where faith was forgotten. So he chose this blindly faithful man to save humanity and start anew. He saw an aggressive driven people in the descendants of Abraham, a people who would make many mistakes but do many amazing things too. A people who would be characterized as leaders and who would influence the world unlike any other while their influence would not always be attributed to them. So He chose Abraham and his descendants, the children of Israel. He saw a young man who would walk and trip, fly and fall, jump and skin his knee, but this young man would end well because he is holding to something no, someone greater. Someone who writes his story, someone who gives him His faith. This young man is me, and this someone is Jesus. So God chose me to reflect His glory, His love, His character, His power, His ways to the world. He’s chosen many of you too. Why? Because from His place outside of time and space, He saw our hearts, hearts that longed for more, for home, for the home in His heart. God is not afraid to appear vulnerable. He came to us as a baby in a cow stall. That’s vulnerable. So God is apparently quite comfortable in His sovereignty, so much so that perhaps He likes to partner with us. Perhaps He wants us to do the stuff and maybe some stuff doesn’t happen if “we” don’t do it. Jesus went about doing His Father’s business. Is God not our Father? Let us go about doing the Father’s business, I think it might just look a lot like what Jesus did… For that, you can read yourself…

constantly back and forth back and forth

2010-06-29T03:14:00.000-07:00

I've been back and forth lately on whether I want to keep using this blog and go completely tumblr or not. There are benefits to both.
I feel like this kind of reflects my life. I tend to be perfectionistic in my approach to things which means I like to scrap things and start from scratch A LOT. Mainly if there is an imperfection or a level of creativity I prefer I will want to change something. The irony is that often times this is influenced simply by the mood I'm in. I've noticed my mood can be affected in many ways. By music, atmospheres (I'm a feeler), attitudes, others, etc.
My desire is that I can be consistent in who I am no matter where I am. I've worked on consistency in music and find myself often having classical on in the car I have right now. It tends to keep me from being too hyper or too mellow. Kind of centered more or less.
But worship is my key musical flare and it keeps me oft connected to Holy Spirit. It keeps me engaging the Lord and it makes me happy.
As I grow in the Lord and learn new things about myself each day, I find myself excited to see what's around the corner. My time at Bethel has been such a huge blessing because they are experienced in things every church I've ever gone to is not experienced at. Therefore, as with many of my friends who've been there, a lot of our unanswered questions find their meaning and purpose there. For that, I am eternally grateful.

2010-05-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

1 - I was tempted to discuss theology with some friends today. I stopped early on and decided to be more agreeable. Why? Cuz it doesn't matter. Jesus Christ is perfect theology, so I'll just stick with Him and fall in love more and more each day.

2 - I am enjoying my new home. The backyard view ain't too bad. Here's some pics of my set up, my view, my place, at least for a little while. My new place might not have a backyard, but will still be on the ocean… I foresee a peacefully wondrous summer.

Goals for this summer:

1 - Be healthy. I've gained some weight, while not fat, I don't like the eating habits an lack of exercise in my life. Gonna eat better, eat less, exercise more and so on.

2 - Presence. I want so so so much God in my life. This involves my time, my heart, my priorities, my passing thoughts, my everything. Let's see where He takes me.

3 - Income. I hope to make a solid amount of money this summer to pay down some debt and hold off the debt monster for another year at Bethel.

4 - Be a Catalyst. Apparently I was a catalyst this past Christmas for an islandwide expansion of the game ultimate ninja among the youth. You can see students playing the game on various high school campuses now. AWESOME! So, that's good and all, but I would like to be a catalyst for something a bit more Jesus oriented this summer. What? I dunno yet, but I'm looking forward to what I may fall into. :)

That's kinda where I am right now. I was hoping the beautiful scenery might've inspired some deep spiritual thought, but nope, maybe it's just too distracting.

away i go...

2010-05-23T22:04:00.001-07:00

away i go on another journey across an ocean to the island of maui.
Honestly, my body is tired of changing and moving so much. I am longing for consistency. I might’ve said that because I’m simply tired no, exhausted right now.
I’ll spend the summer on Maui endeavoring to enjoy my home and find some rest with God and those I love. I long for His face, I long for His embrace, I love His voice.
away i go on a journey into the depths of knowing Him.
It’s been a bumpy road with many twists and turns. Many pot-holes, and well even sinkholes. I’ve been bruised, tattered, demoralized and victorious, joyous, and strengthened in resolve. It’s a roller coaster, life that is, but God is good, and life is too.
What is this thing called abundance? It seems elusive at times, about as much as God’s voice does but I got a gentle correction from God this morning when I was complaining about not hearing Him clearly or enough or (well, since I was complaining it sounded more like: AT ALL). He kinda said I act like a teenager who doesn’t listen to his parents. As a teenager, I may have physically heard the words coming out of their mouth, but at the same time completely disconnected from (not hearing) what they actually said. But in the case of God, since He doesn’t seem to speak audibly often, if I’m disconnected from “hearing” then I’m not going to hear… anything.
ouch.
“Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”
ouch.
Kinda elementary stuff you might be thinking. I’ve had a bad week, and it’s always the beginner stuff that you gotta re-learn when you are whining. So here’s to fresh starts, may they come every morning, along with joy, peace, and righteousness in the Holy Spirit.

Putting the pieces back together....

2010-05-22T02:01:00.000-07:00

I decided to keep posting on here. It will be a mirror of my abundance blog at: http://jeremylang.tumblr.com
This blog gets sent to my facebook Notes application and that is valuable to me...

I lost myself today, perhaps I should rephrase that. I lost it today… my cool, my peace, my spirit, my confidence, my joy? Yup, all those.
Where did it go? Where did I go? Who knows!?
I’m still not all back together yet. I feel uneasy, and my peace is shaky. I feel frail and concerned.
There I am. I am feeling what I am feeling, but where is that spirited one inside of me moving, breathing, walking in the confidence that is Christ in me the hope of glory?
The situation really wasn’t the biggest deal in the world. It utterly pales in comparison to 99.8% of the worlds problems, but I imploded and thoughts and thoughts and more frustrating thoughts ranging from anger to distrust to doubt to wanting to give up permeated my mind through this whole day. If such a small little bee sting of a problem can have such an elephant trampling effect on my apparently frail peace, what have I to say to the giants in the land?
I was confronted today with my doubts, fears and anger. It was a wake up call. It was both frightening and beautiful at the same time. Frightening to see a glimpse into what’s been boiling deep down, beautiful to actually FEEL! To feel what I’m feeling! Thank you God for this terrible experience, wait, it isn’t even your fault, but thank you for letting me go through it. I realize where You and I stand. I realize what’s brewing deep down there. I found myself in the losing….

blog transitions...

2010-05-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

I really love this blog. But I have another blog at: http://jeremylang.tumblr.com
I think that one is prettier and funner and more inspiring for me...
So I think I'm gonna transfer to one blog...

From now on if you want to follow my blogs you'll find all that I have to say at: http://jeremylang.tumblr.com

Love you all and wish you well. This will remain open and active for the sake of my history and review...

Feel free to contact me on facebook, twitter, tumblr, youtube or here (I will check back from time to time).

Aloha!

Newness...

2010-05-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

I have been enjoying a song by the band Gungor called "Beautiful Things".

The bridge of the song says: "You make me new, You are making me new."
A lot of songs talk about the newness of who we are in Christ. A lot of scripture talks about that too, most popular being probably 2 Cor 5:17.

There is a lot to be said about the finished work of the cross, too much to fit in a blog.
One thing I know, is that all my life, in spite of these scriptures and the Holy Spirit's reminders, I seem to not be able to get that truth. Only in the past 2 years have I come to believe that truth. Why?

I think sometimes we hear things the Bible says and subconsciously reject it because it doesn't match up with our felt experience. That's where the line between faith/truth and experience is formed.

Take a second to think about being a new creation. ALL THINGS NEW?!
Think about the implications of that statement.

There are many theologians who, due to their experience have had to form doctrines that veer around the simplicity of that statement and so many other entire books and chapters of the Bible which correspond to that statement (namely Colossians, Ephesians, Galatians, the gospels, Romans, etc. etc.... the whole New Testament?)

If faith is the substance of things "hoped" for, and the evidence of things unseen (not yet seen). Perhaps, our experience has no right to alter what scripture says in accordance to what we "know".

Is the irony that what so many theologians have said based on experience and ideas, actually places us in a quandry, in that we reject faith for feeling? Our feelings should be influenced by our faith, not the other way around. Our experience should come out of our faith, not the other way around. Faith based on experience is subjectively based on the experience, if the experience leaves, then you have to form an explanation. That could get disappointing.

That's just some thinking out-loud....

What's going on with me?

2010-05-03T22:02:00.001-07:00

A lil update on what's happening to Jeremy Lang...

1. In two Friday's I graduate BSSM 2nd year. You can watch it live Friday, May 14 @ http://www.ibethel.tv

2. I will be returning to Redding mid-August to begin an internship with Lance Jacobs, 1st year revival group pastor.

3. May 24, I return to Maui. I will be living in an ohana on an ocean front property! Yah! That's nice. I will also have a car for my first month and a half! Yes!!! I will be working again at the Fairmont Kealani Hotel. Yay to that too!!!

4. On June 6th I'll be traveling to Hong Kong for 10 days! My mom will be attending a conference there, and she asked that I join her. I won't be going to the conference. So what will I do? Hmmm....

5. I think I've figured what I plan to do with my life. I will have to get a master's degree to head down this route. I plan to work in the college/university system in the Student Development/Student Affairs department. That covers areas like residence life, spiritual life, leadership development, career counseling, counseling, retention, new student orientation, etc. etc. It's basically the pastoral department of a college/university. That's what I like...
I'm very open to detours from God though. We'll see. :)

Hey! I love you all! I've learned a lot in the past two years. I hope to have some quality time with God debriefing and processing what I've learned. Helping it get from my head to my heart....

offensive? Maybe... hee hee

2010-05-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

I love "oh snap" quotes. I've read and heard some lately that I'll share with you.

Bill Johnson said one day: "If you don't run into the devil every now and then you may be going in the same direction... Just a thought."
I thought that was pretty funny. If life is easy and you aren't really running into any devil like confrontations, you gotta wonder if you're really bothering him.
Satan is not God's opposite. He's the opposite of Michael the archangel. Satan is a created being, therefore God could eliminate him with a look, a point, a wink. But God doesn't. One might suppose that the greatest punishment for Satan is the very thing he envied out of God. Satan wanted to be worshipped as God, to be God. God cast him down to this earth, where God placed billions of people made in His image. Satan is surrounded by monuments to the great beauty of the one he wanted to overthrow. Additionally, as Christians, we have been given power and authority over Satan and his princes. They have nothing on us, because in Christ's cross and resurrection, they were disempowered. Colossians...

Here's another fun quote... this one by Kris Vallotton
"The Bible tells us that signs and wonders will follow those who believe. So when the church loses power, signs become something we nail to a stick and take to a gay parade, or a protest of some sort."
Wow. Kinda blunt, but isn't so much of the church today viewed through the eyes of people as a group of angry protesting hate mongers, who are ticked off with everything and everyone?
So much of the church today is walking powerless. And any church that begins to move in power tends to get labeled as a cult or weird. That's so strange to me, yet I was one of those people who labeled churches walking in the power of the Spirit as such not to long ago myself. Jesus showed love by taking care of people's needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He healed the sick, cast out demons, and preached the kingdom. Should we not follow the same example? I find it very rewarding to be in a culture that does the same thing Jesus did. It's amazing to me that I lived nearly 25 years as a Christian overlooking the miracles, the prophecy and such as something only Jesus and did b/c He was cool like that. Oh yeah, and the apostles too. I never seemed to notice the parts that talked about us doing it too.
Jesus said we'd do greater things than Him.
We have been conformed into the image of Christ glorified, not Christ on the way to the cross. That would be stupid if that were the case, what then would've been the purpose of the cross if we were to pay the same price as Jesus. That's why in John 7:39 Jesus couldn't give the spirit to them yet. As He IS so we ARE.

Good food for thought.

:)

Worship

2010-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

So lately my class has been experiencing quite the explosion of worship. Our worship times have been so grand, so unified, so powerful, so deep it's been such a season. Thoughts like the church needs this constantly enter my mind.
We are in a place where we have become family, and as family it doesn't matter how silly we look, we love. So we've been dancing, jumping, shouting, spinning, and enjoying the breakthroughs day in and day out as a class. I will miss these times when school gets out and will long for a similar or greater experience in times ahead wherever I end up. We were made for this. To enjoy God, to be enjoyed, to have fun and forget about life's worries and weights. We were made to fix our eyes on Jesus, to be family, to love and be loved. That's who we are as the body of Christ.

Often when I'm in a setting of worship I only think one thing, "If only this lasted forever." Problems are minimalized during worship. My experience of God is enhanced. My relationship with Him seems so easy. Troubles, tempatations, and woes become an afterthought. There is a lifestyle of worship and I want it. I need it. There is no living without it, there is only a zig zag life not moving forward at all.

Today I was reminded of that when I had 3 stressful things pile on me all at once. I lost my peace quickly. My mind could only think, "what's the next miserable thing that's gonna happen. I'll probably get a speeding ticket, crash my car, hit my head or lose my wallet." It was a wake up call to see how fragile my peace was. Oh, that my heart would be so His that these things are nothing compared to the matchless name of Jesus my hero, savior, friend. I hope to win my next stress test. hahahaha...

Ps. 29:2 - "Ascribe to the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness."

shing a ding

2010-04-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

I participated in what is probably hands down the most extreme end of progressive Christianity this weekend.
Now, my guess is different people will interpret that statement in different ways, and perhaps the word progressive may be the wrong word to use..
Some of you may be thinking: The Emerging Church movement? Nope.
Others may be thinking: A new cutting edge worship/teaching style church? Nope.
Others still yet: A ridiculously charismatic pentecostal wing of the church? Sorta but no.

I went to a Mystics School this weekend. My previous blog talked a bit about my first nights experience there.

John Crowder was the teacher, and quite possibly is the title claimer of most persecuted person by Christians per capita. I saw per capita because less people have heard of him than someone like Benny Hinn or Todd Bentley who have been criticized quite a lot themselves.
John is most famous for his extreme use of grace in "getting high on the Holy Ghost" and "tokin' the ghost", etc.

Some of you may be thinking: Why on earth would you go to something like that? Ha ha ha ha. I bet a lot of you may be thinking that. I had my reasons...

So what of it?
Most people see him and think he's a dumb fool, but in reality it's quite the opposite. He is incredibly intelligent in the realm of apologetics and Biblical knowledge and more. He's very focused on the context in scripture and can preach 4+ hours in one sitting. I got 3 1/2 hours straight on Saturday. wow!

It was a mystics school, so it was a lot about the old mystics from the middle ages, as well as modern day occurrences too.
Discussions were on trances, the angelic realm, the prophetic realm, the ramifications of the gospel of the cross of Christ (what Christ really paid for and what that means for us), and a bunch of other things, ending in a Love Feast with him reading and interpreting the entire book of Song of Solomon and us taking communion together.
Lots of drunken revelry, ecstatic experiences, and hilarious antics and amazing stories. A 3 1/2 hour sermon that doesn't bore you is truly an achievement.

I was so whacked up on the Holy Spirit I had difficulty taking notes. ha ha ha. What is whacked up? Well we'll use proper terminology and say: filled up with His presence...
(Psalms says: In His presence are pleasures forevermore)

Here are some things I was able to coherently write down...

Peter didn't walk on water, he walked on the Word that Jesus gave. We ought always to trust the Word (logos or rhema) more than our natural eyes. (faith is the evidence of things unseen)...

Christianity is not a masochists club. We *were dead, now we are alive, we don't have to kill ourselves. (asceticism and self-mutilation are already in many parts part of our past, but self-deprecation is a way of killing ourselves). God says you are good, you are beautiful, you are a new creation, completely body, soul, spirit.
Check out Romans 6...

Sanctification is not a process, it's a person.

The flavor of religion is always striving. The flavor of faith is rest & trust.

If I still sin, I am shadow-boxing a lie. When I know who I am, I'll know who I am. I am new, the enemy attacks my identity to keep me believing a lie. He did it with Adam, and he did it with Jesus. He's the father of lies.
CS Lewis said: "You are what you believe."

God is not impressed by my hunger, he likes my satisfaction with Christ's blood.

Holiness isn't the absence of sin, it is the presence of God.

Before the cross, we asked for a blessing, after the cross we are the blessing.

Rick Joyner says: "Criticism is the #1 thing that keeps people in poverty of soul."

THE FLAVOR OF HUMILITY IS JOY!

I haven't decided if I agree with everything he said, but I like a lot of it. He takes scripture to its full meaning and it's entire implications not putting limits on it based on personal experience or lack-thereof. But taking it on faith, like Peter walking on water, not knowing if he would sink or not...

I admire that about John, and back to why would I go to this conference?

Because I never want to judge a movement without tasting of it first. I can see that, despite the weird stuff, the goofy things, and confrontational theology, etc, there is a man who loves Jesus and loves freedom and uses it fully...

His testimony is beautiful, the fruit of his ministry has been amazing, and he's reaching people that 99.9% of Christians could never reach.
I love it.

So, a big booshkee and shing a ding to you all, and blessings.
You can check out his ministry at: http://www.thenewmystics.com
He's also known as the YouTube prophet so there is much to watch..

Ecstatics, Earthquakes, and other phenomena

2010-04-17T01:54:00.000-07:00

What a day! Went to class for an hour and caught the first half of Rolland Baker, guest speaking, or more like 2nd year annihilating. Our whole class got floored. Just so much as a look and you were shaking or falling over. That guy is charged. What a beautiful time with Holy Spirit and friends.
From there, I left and joined some friends on route through the 3 hour mountain journey to the California coastal town of Arcata, home of the famous Humboldt State University in whose shadow we are meeting at the D Street Neighborhood Center for and incredibly mystical experience. John Crowder is in town and he's teaching a Mystics school.
This, for me at least, is the extreme edge of this new found stream of Christianity that I've so been enjoying these past two years. We are basically getting really sloshed in the Holy Spirit (filled) and learning about mystical experiences as seen throughout scripture and in Christian history *most notably with the monks, mystics, and some modern day prophets and mystics too.
Today we learned about trances, and then we had story time with all sorts of crazy stories of mystical experiences from trances to transportations, to talking with animals (St. Francis was well known for that one)...
Wow.
What a night.
I'm writing this from my motel room where we just had an earthquake. It was just a 3.0 so no biggie, but it was right under us here in Eureka/Arcata... :)

Some cool thoughts from the conference:
Peter wasn't walking on water, he was walking on the word. Jesus gave the word, and Peter walked. It is important to trust the word of God more than our natural eye.
Faith in the unseen!!!! Boom shakalaka! :)

There are no motives behind God's love. This may be one of my greatest battles, because while I have heard that, I don't have that in my heart, nor do I seem to act like that. I often naturally think:

God loves me so that... *I can or will do this...
God gives me this so that... *I will share it with ....
etc.
John Crowder suggested tonight that God gives us joy so that.... WE CAN BE HAPPY.
Hmmm, novel thought.

Such a great reminder to pull me out of pious false humility and remember God simply loves me. He wants me to feel His UNCONDITIONAL love, that means no conditions. That means, I don't have to pray for that person on the street, I don't have to do anything, I can just be His and He can be mine... The other stuff will flow from my being eaten up and filled by His presence. "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him."

Presence carriers, extreme lovers of God are simply irresistible to be around....
More of you God. More of You!!!

Another Awesome Day in Indy!

2010-04-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today was great. A 3 session day of conferencing amazingness.
Danny & Sheri blew it out of the park.
We had a great time. Our team at the end of each session got to do a different thing.
The first session we prophesied over the church, the city, and the region. It was awesome. I loved what I got to share.
The second session we prophesied over individuals/couples in the crowd. It was awesome too. Saw some good accurate words and got to pray for and bless people.
The third session we did a fire tunnel (impartation tunnel). This church is crazy. They are all about dancing and livin' it up.
After the tunnel was done everyone got in a dance circle. They are so great at just cutting loose.
Loved it.

Tomorrow we have the morning service and then I think we're about done after that.

Learned some great things today as well. Danny and Sheri are the kind of speakers you gotta hear over and over cuz what they teach is the type of stuff that takes time to saturate and effect lasting change in your lifestyle. Such good stuff.
A few key quotes that Sheri shared today that really got me include:

"You don't have a testimony without a test"
"Leaders lead better when they are honored. Honored leaders will rise up to what we believe they are rather than what they think they are if we believe in them."
“The goal of communication cannot be agreement. It has to be understanding.”
We also learned a new word: FRIGHTEOUSNESS. :-) It means using fear to make things right.
If you use anger to try and right a situation. It’s fake power, smoke and mirrors, witchcraft/manipulation. You puff up like a blowfish so no one can eat you. It’s fake power cuz you’re scared to death of something.

It was good stuff today. Loved it.
I encourage anyone interested in having an awesome marriage, parenting abilities, or healthy church getting Danny & Sheri's stuff. It'll revolutionize your heart and approach.
Some books I'd suggest:
"Loving Your Kids on Purpose" by Danny & Sheri Silk
"Culture of Honor" by Danny Silk

both awesome books!

updates and wows..

2010-04-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in Valparaiso, Indiana. I'm serving on a Bethel ministry team with Danny & Sheri Silk who are doing a conference at Bethel Valparaiso called "Living in a Revival Culture".
It's been a great time so far. Bethel Valpo is an awesome church. It's growing, vibrant, fun, and filled with Holy Spirit.

I've always loved big picture stuff. The grand scheme of things. God's plan and such. Many times at Bethel I get to hear about this stuff because many prophets come through and the church really has it's finger on God's pulse (regarding His hopes and plans for earth). I know that sounds very smug, but if you know me, you know my heart and what that actually means.

I believe God has such a heart for this world, why else would He have created it? Who, in their right mind, creates a place in order to condemn it to hell. No, God is love. And that God loves you and me, and the perverts, greedy, and violent. Jesus really is perfect theology. What He did, is what we should be doing. How he lived, is how we ought to be living.
A lot of times, we come to scripture with a pre-conceived set of notions and ideas of "Who God is" and then interpret scriptures as such.
A scripture like: John 14:15 – “If you love me you’ll keep my commandments.” could be seen in two ways (probably more, but for the sake of this example we'll say two)...
Because of my church background and upbringing my initial reaction to this verse is that God is a judge, who judges whether we are doing right or wrong. That obedience is an issue of the high court of heaven and we are on trial. Therefore our love is shown in our works of obedience.

Now, before I'm labeled a heretic. Sure He's a judge and obedience is good. But in looking at this verse, I notice my attention favors the word "commandments" and totally forgets the word love. In fact, I end up re-interpreting love as something I have to prove through works.
But that doesn't line up with the character of God who would say, "There is nothing you could ever do that will make me love you less or more."
So looking at that verse again, suddenly I'm confronted with this idea: It’s not a thing about rules and law. It’s about keeping what’s important to Him. Because we love Him and want to protect what’s important to Him.

Sheri Silk talked about our freedom and the fact that God isn't a punisher. Jesus took the punishment for us. So basically that means we are free to do and be whatever and whoever. Kinda scary yah?
You can see my other blog http://jeremylang.tumblr.com for a snippet of the notes from her teaching today.

God is not a Cop. So many people live their lives for the sake of reputation, out of fear of being punished, etc. But the punishment never comes. It may come from people trying to control us, but it doesn't come from God. (punishment is not the same as consequences).
So the solution is self-management. If we are free, then we must manage our freedom otherwise our lives will end up a bit disastrous.
Prov. 25:28 – “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.”

Freedom exposes our weaknesses. As a Christian people, we must foster a culture where our weaknesses are understood and dealt with in loving and empowering ways. If shame continues to permeate the hearts and minds of Christians, people will continue to hide for fear of punishment, accusation, condemnation, and humiliation. It's sad when the church takes Satan's job away from him.

We've been going through a renewal season in 2nd year. Eric, our school leader, believes God is re-calibrating our understanding of holiness. He says: Purity is clarity. And Holiness is not a list of what we can't do but it's an understanding of what we get to do.

I got some revelation the other day as I was prophesying over one of my roommates. A form of holiness in the sense of feeling how God feels about stuff. Like, for instance, the five senses (smell, hear, touch, taste, see). To re-calibrate how we experience that to how God experiences that. Sounds surreal, but God made us in his image, and we with unveiled faces are being made like Him more and more each day. 2 Cr 3:18 "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."

I wanna feel how He feels, because then my perspective on problems, people's needs, and the world in general will shift from an earthly perspective to a heavenly perspective. That is what it's all about after all. Heaven's perspective.
Jesus said, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." That's a prayer for us to pray...

There is a shift happening in the church today, an apostolic reformation might be one way of saying it. The Lord is awakening His apostles, and the church is beginning to understand how to empower them to walk in their calling and be who God made them to be. There's been so much confusion as to the role of an apostle and whether or not they still exist. It's time to drop experiential misunderstandings, and empower people in their call.

I can't wait to see what happens in the next 20 years. Wow! The possibilities are incredible.

A church of promise, hope, revelation, power, love. A church that is the center of creativity, leadership, and influence. That is what we are supposed to be. We are the salt of the earth. We are to season it, preserve it, make it unique and beautiful. We are the light of the world, we are not to be hidden, or do we shrink, cities grow. We are a kingdom people, a holy nation, reflecting a heavenly kingdom with a powerful king that LOVES the nations and people everywhere. Let's join Him in this conquest of love. Let's save, heal, and deliver the world from sin, sickness, and oppression. We can do it because He commissioned us to. He said we can do it. He told us we'll even do greater things. What are we waiting for?

some thoughts...

2010-04-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a blog here in a while.
I've been prancing around a new "mini-blog" over on a tumblr account.
the website address is: http://jeremylang.tumblr.com
if you wanna check it out.
I just post some quotes, pics, thoughts, etc.
But it's quick stuff.

Here is where I post the longer stuff, what's happening in my life and so forth.

So what's up?

I interviewed with a revival group pastor today about the 3rd year internship next year. I think I'm going to pursue interning with 1st year. It is a very parallel experience for what I plan to do with my life.

Things have been going very well lately for me. God's been doing A LOT, much of which I do not know. I'm excited about figuring it out though. I will be coming home this summer to Maui again to work at the hotel and enjoy the warm sun, beaches, and friends.
I do get to have a lil excursion while there though. I'll be traveling to Hong Kong for 10 days in June. I'm super excited about this. This has been such a year of travel for me. I've really enjoyed it a lot. Where have I been this year? Chico, CA; Manteca, CA; Kalamazoo, MI; Lexington & Liberty, KY; Maui, HI; Redding, CA; Bradford & York, England; going to Valparaiso, IN next week, and Hong Kong this summer. It's been fun traveling a bit.

This year has gone by so quickly. It's been an amazing year and a difficult year spiritually & emotionally. I've had numerous battles, amazing victories, and awesome breakthrough and revelations. There's a month and a half left and I look forward to the rest.
God amazes me by His goodness. Since being here at Bethel I've seen so much of His goodness and love. I've seen His power and might. I've witnessed so many things that it would take ages to talk about it all, book and books to describe it all. Wow.

When people ask me about my experience here, I'm usually left smiling and speechless. I'm so glad I came here to discover His goodness and learn His ways and His voice. There's so much more and so much more!!!!

It's Easter Weekend! May a deeper revelation of His goodness shine on you and move from the head to the heart....

A quote I heard this week convicted me deeply. I love it. I love it because this is something so on my heart lately...

"We have become horribly familiar with a God we hardly know." I think Bobby Conner said it.
That's so true. Let us never become "familiar" in the sense of getting "used to God". There is no end to the depths of the knowledge of Him. Love relationship with God is endless. There are no limits.... mmmhmmm

Love you.

Irresistible!!!

2010-03-23T22:20:00.001-07:00

oh my goodness...
Ever find God to be irresistible? I encountered that today...
Kind of discombobulating in some respects.
I say that because, well, I wasn't expecting to feel that way when I walked into worship today at class.

You see, the past week has been not so great for me. I've been kinda down spiritually and emotionally. Just not doing so good with God and myself for that matter. Additionally the communication lines were minimal, I was just unmotivated in every way. Just entertaining myself with tv, movies, internet, anything besides God.

It's weird. I know the lack of motivation is partly because of the post-missions trip downer that I think a bunch of people get. You have such a spiritual high and then kinda just well, it's not the same exactly when you get back.
While our lives are a mission more or less, the level of attention to things outside yourself does have to be cut back a bit, or else our own lives would not be in order, so-to-speak. As a result you get a little down from the previous missional high. So much purpose, breakthrough and awesomeness.

The weird thing is, why on earth would I be so disconnected from God after such an amazing time feeling so connected with Him?
For this I go to one word "familiarity". Not just familiarity this time though. I think I encountered a familiar spirit when I got home and he worked me over, and I was caught off guard and didn't keep the gates closed (as a friend so nicely put it).

So by today, I was thoroughly detached from my daddy God. Which brings me to the amazement.... I walk into worship and well, I found one single thought enter my head. I want my Jesus... He's irresistible. He's way better than anything the world can offer. What was I thinking?
I quickly repented to the Lord and a friend, and got back in the mix.
I thought often of the scripture "My heart and my flesh cry out to the living God." I felt like there was a consecration of my flesh to the Lord. It felt like I was giving Him a gift.
It was funny, at one point they started playing a song called "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham. My thought was to stand up and sing it as an offering to the Lord. So I did, but I didn't sing it in His strength, I sang it in mine, on purpose. I felt like I wanted to give myself to him out of my own strength, my own flesh. No matter how feeble and weak and short-lived that is. I just wanted to "without His empowerment (grace) (aside from the life I have and breath I breathe)" give him something just from 'lil 'ol me.

I saw Jesus kinda chuckling at that one. It was beautiful though. And at the same time, how much of our life is really apart from God. He is our maker after all. But I can offer my life as a living sacrifice, and that's what I felt I did in that moment. It wasn't much, because it didn't require much sacrifice, but it was beautiful...

I'm so thankful for Jesus. He truly is irresistible. I've discovered that He is more valuable to me than anything in this world now. It's so refreshing to be able to say that....

(here's a lil self-benediction) - May I live from that truth. That He is more valuable to me than anything else. May I live in His grace, empowering me to change, grow, and bring life to myself and the world around me. May I love as I am loved. And may He only become even more irresistible to me day after day after day after day....

at peace...

2010-03-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

It feels great when you know how you feel and you are content.
I've been in that state for the past week. I've continued on in life, making mistakes sometimes and doing amazing at times as well, but altogether I remain at peace. Feels good.

Now I just need some motivation. This peace is rather restful to the point where I don't feel like doing much homework, etc. hmm...
Maybe that's something else, a form of senioritis or something.

It's crazy thinking 2nd year is nearly over. Another 1 1/2 months and I'm done. What awaits me?

1. Gotta check into a summer job at the hotel again, and see maybe if that could extend into 14 months of work (option).
2. Prepare for a 3rd year internship in the 1st year. Assuming I'm accepted to the program. The question I need to answer is do I want to do that next year or work 14 months and get out of debt and do it after.
3. Longer term - Go back to school and get my master's degree and prepare for a life working in higher education. cheee....

That's my plan. It's so good knowing what I want to do with my life....

thoughts at 6 in the morning

2010-03-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

I woke up extra early today. 6 am is the earliest I've simply woken up without plan for quite some time.
It's the jet lag from my trip to the UK. I'm okay with that actually, I always wanted to be a morning person. It's just a matter of maintaining this and going to bed at a decent hour. It would assist me a lot in shifting my life into the direction of where I want it to go (schedule wise).

I'm glad to be back here in Redding in some respects, but honestly I miss England A LOT! I really love the people at Buttershaw, I consider them good friends and I miss them so very much. I wish I was rich and could travel there often and/or fly some of them out to visit me here or in Hawaii.
I think I'm going to plan a trip with my mom there. I think she'd love to go to the UK and probably go see Scotland and Ireland. She's always wanted to go there.

Things are a buzz here at Bethel. Students arriving and leaving on their missions trips. Testimonies are in the works, people are a buzz about the work God is doing worldwide. I know my experience in England was incredible. I feel like we saw a measurable increase in breakthrough as did the churches there. I see the hint of revival popping up in pockets worldwide include Bradford...

It's a comin...

"And it shall come to pass afterward That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh; Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, Your old men shall dream dreams, Your young men shall see visions." ~ Joel 2:28

It's windy outside, somethings brewing, somethings coming. I feel like Holy Spirit "ru'ah" in Hebrew, which can also mean wind, is cooking up something and blowing across the earth. I'm very excited about the next few years. What is God going to do? The world is shifting, more people are becoming Christians everyday. They say in a matter of years 1/3 of China will be born again. That's almost a 1/2 billion people. How convenient that China is also going to become the worlds largest economy soon.

In class yesterday the Holy Spirit poured out in an amazing way. People were all over the place drenched in his gooey goodness. hahaha
This has happened a number of times, but this time more than 80-90% of the class was fully engaged in what was happening.
Eric shared that he feels God is recalibrating our awareness and understanding of holiness, purity, and consecration. A quote Eric dropped is that "Holiness is not for the purpose of what we cannot do, it's for the purpose of what we can do." That's a deep one, worth pondering and thinking about. The scripture on his heart and that he feels is important for where we are at is

"For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's."> ~ 1 Cor. 6:20

I'm excited. We'll see what blows in today...

England Day Ten....

2010-03-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

The sorrow of this post because it is my last per an amazing visit to an amazing place hosting an amazing people.
Buttershaw I will miss you so dearly. You moved my heart more than last time. I never thought it could get better and better. God is truly amazing.

I have seen Buttershaw grow in love, power, grace, wisdom and unity. I'm so glad to have had the honor and privilege to be blessed by them, loved by them, honored by them, and to serve with them.
How often we go places on a mission to leave more blessed and uplifted than you came and to receive more than you give. How that works is beautiful.

I see so much potential for that little church in the middle of the estate. Growth numerically, growth in power, love, and grace to see God move in such majestic ways and to lift a city out of the mire and into the arms of Christ.

Today was beautiful.
We traveled to Fountains Abbey an ancient monastery that was quite wealthy. The ruins were epic and beautiful. What a stunning place. Parts of it reminded me of the stone cities in Lord of the Rings. So majestic. There is an archway that simply makes you look like an ant. You would think it was the doorway for giants 100 ft tall. So incredible. I'll include one or two pics in this post, but visit my facebook page for more photos of this amazing place. They are listed under England 2010 part 5.

here's a couple pics...

After we returned I joined the Trekker's at the church. The kids ministry. It was great just being with the kids and the leaders from the church one last time. Good to visit with some of the youth, Michael and Malcolm too. I think those guys are awesome.
Then I had tea (which means dinner) at Joan's house. She's a lady in the church who has lived a long and amazing life. She made us some amazing lasagna and an incredible dessert. We also had loose leaf tea in fine china. It was so English (aside from the lasagna, ha ha). Then from there we went back to the church where I got to do something that has been on my heart for weeks now.
I led about 25 - 30 members of the church on an encounter/soaking night. It was so cool. I played some music and guided them into encounters with the Father, then the Son, and then Holy Spirit. It was amazing the feedback we got from some of the people there. One guy said, "This is the most incredible experience of my life." as he encountered the Father. Others had moving personal encounters with Daddy God and Jesus and at the end we just sought after the glory of God and the beauty of Holy Spirit and His work in our hearts. It was such a way to end our week here. Afterward we said our goodbye's and now it's midnight and I have to wake up in 4 hours to travel to London for the journey home. I so love it here. I so do.

Bradford is not a city anyone thinks about visiting, but it has quite a lot of charm. It's where Smith Wigglesworth lived and ministered. It was once a very wealthy city, now not so much. Buttershaw is an estate (which means low income housing, in England). Both these places have so much potential in the Lord. They are brewing revival. I see God beginning His work and beginning to shift the direction they are going. When things seem the darkest, it is when the light shines brightest. The churches in Bradford are rising up to the greater call of Christ Jesus. They are doing what Jesus did. They are healing the sick, delivering people, saving the lost and loving their city as God loves it. The kingdom is shining, the angels are singing, the atmosphere is shifting, there is much reason to rejoice for the kingdoms of this world are becoming the kingdoms of our Lord and Christ...

England Day Nine....

2010-03-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

What a delightful day!
Sunday morning service was great. Gabe brought an awesome message. I could feel people's hope rising and their dreams coming to the surface. Lots of people were at church today, it was bustling. I was so sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to a whole bunch of people as I was engaged in some deep conversations/prayer etc.

I think the highlight of the service was hearing from church members about some testimonies they had from the week.
It was so great. This week, a few people accepted Christ, and many were healed. A lot of people came today that have never been to church before or not in a long time as well. One lady shared about her encounter with me and Nathan on the streets by the local convenience store. We prayed for her knee and it got completely healed. She had a cane that day. She didn't have a cane this morning. She read a psalm reflecting on how God heals our infirmities. She was so joyful cuz she could chase her kids around and get about way easier. Cool stories by others too. I was so blessed.

After church we had Sunday lunch which is big time! Roast beef, yorkshire pudding, parsnips, cheesy cauliflower, carrots, potatoes, fruit, and more. Then some insane desserts. It was quite grand.
Then we went out for a walk in a beautiful wooded area. here's a pic of me there...

We went back to the house and had High Tea, sorta. We had it minus the sandwiches. But I had tea and crumpets for the first time. So cool. Crumpets are good, kinda like a spongey english muffin. I also had scones with jam from France and Clotted cream. I've decided clotted cream fulfills the role of it's name as it has clotted my arteries, heart, digestive track and more. I feel weird.
Here's a pic of my spread...

After that, we had a leaders meeting with the Buttershaw Baptist Church leadership team. It was great. We did lots of Q&A and then prayed and imparted over them. Afterward, lots more Q&A took place and some good fun. We were up with Stu & Liz till 12:30 am which is way past their bedtime. hee hee..
It was a very full day. But was rich as well.
I find God to be so good. I'm so glad I know Him. I'm so glad I am His and He is mine. I love this family of believers out here in Buttershaw/Bradford, UK. They are amazing, full of love, full of Him. I see ripples beginning to form a revival culture soon in this city. I can't wait to see the harvest and the fruit.
Tomorrow we go on an outing to Fountain's Abbey and old monastery. In the evening I get to facilitate a soaking/encounter time for the church. I think it'll be a super rich experience for everyone to just rest in His goodness and His love. Some of it will be guided and some will just be restful...

I'm excited. I've never facilitated one before, but my heart is really into this....

Love you all. One more day, and then the journey home.

England Day Eight....

2010-03-13T14:42:00.001-08:00

Good fun today. This morning we went to the city center of Bradford just across from the massive town hall and joined a group of local churches who have started to do healing on the streets. Great group of people. I enjoyed interacting with them a bunch and praying for several people. Saw some notable improvement for some and some healing here and there. Also some great breakthrough for one guy that really got him quite loopy in the Holy Spirit. It was fun. Here's a pic of the signpost for healing.
I really really enjoyed this time. I found it to be quite fun and for some reason it gave me a sense of authority or "feeling official" being out there. It made it easier to approach people and invite them to come receive prayer.

Afterward we were treated to some amazing Persian food by a friend who was a gold medal kickboxer and world champion from Iran. He moved to the UK and got saved on his second day in the country and is involved with one of the churches we're working with. Super awesome guy. Here's a pic of us at his deli.

During the afternoon we did workshops at the church. A good sized group of people from the area showed up for our two workshops. We did a prophetic art workshop and a treasure hunting workshop. I led the treasure hunting workshop. We had close to 30 participants and broke up into about 6 teams. Some of the teams came back with some great testimonies of speaking into people's lives and prophesying over them and such.
My team and I had a bit of a rough go this time around. We probably approached 10 or 11 people, more than half of which really didn't want us to pray for them at all, they didn't even want us to talk to them. A couple of them were a bit nicer about it. It was my first really tough treasure hunt. Eventually I stopped looking for people with clues and just started approaching anyone. ha ha ha. Eventually we went to a shop where a Hindi lady worked and got to briefly pray for her shop and her cousin in S. Africa who has a brain tumor.

Us boys had the night off so we watched the England v. Scotland Rugby game at Stuart's house. It was fun, what a crazy game. I also ate WAY too much chocolate tonight. I feel disgusting...

Tomorrow we got morning service at church, Sunday lunch, High Tea, and a leaders meeting with the Buttershaw Baptist leadership team. Looking forward to it...

England Day Seven....

2010-03-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

Went to the hospital this morning to visit and pray for someone. While there a lady came and sat next to Stuart. She had serious pain in her legs (knees, ankles, feet). We prayed for her and she got way better. She was really happy and then just walked off. ha ha ha.

Had a nice afternoon off. Went to "Ye Olde White Bear". It's a traditional pub in England. Super cool. Almost 500 years old. So crazy. Here's a picture of me out front...

After that, I took a nap. Gabe arrived about 5pm and he's now staying with us here in Bradford until Monday. Tonight we did a men's outreach event. We went and played laser quest at a great place. It's really big, and lots of fun. I did really well too. Kinda stoked on that one. It's a great event, and usually a good amount of men from the community come who normally don't come to church and a handful of some of the church members/leaders too. We had some good conversations afterward and got to pray with some of the men as well...

That's it for now. Tomorrow it'll be mostly evangelism/healing/prophetic. We'll call it supernatural day. :-)

England Day Six....

2010-03-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

Not much to say here.
Today was mostly a day off. We traveled to York. I was pretty bummed out because we got there late and the rest of the team had already dispersed. I ended up going off on my own for quite some time because I just felt like it for some reason. So I wandered. I also shopped, a lot. Apparently if I am somewhere with a large group of people, but then decide to go it alone, I will turn into a girl and shop my heart out. I spent 95 quid at Topshop/Topman. Sheesh. Got some cool stuff though. I visited the York Minster again as well. Here's a picture of this beautiful cathedral from the outside...

It's so large, I simply cannot get the whole thing in the camera shot.

Our team came back a bit early, we had Tea (Dinner) at the Gregg's house and then proceeded onward to a life group at Mavis' house. This group went past 11pm. Wow! It was good to visit with them. Lots of prayer time and sharing. Some very long individual ministry times, I wish we could have gotten to everybody. :-\
I was really really tired tonight at the life group. I felt super drained, I dunno why. I had a nap before tea time. I felt bad that I wasn't as full of life to pour out with the group. I trust God still ministered to people in light of my exhaustion.

Tomorrow is a day I certainly have been looking for. Tomorrow night we have a men's outreach which involves a certain journey to Laser Quest. It's gonna be awesome...

England Day Five....

2010-03-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Today was a continuation of last night but in the sense of a leaders meeting.
Gabe spoke in the morning. Iain Bradbeer (a classmate of mine) spoke in the afternoon session.
We had some great times of ministry and Charis got to lead worship and sing prophetically over everyone twice.
That was sick! (that's good to those of you not from the west coast)...

I got to prophesy over some school of ministry students from Leicester. That was super fun. I can really see my heart for youth/young adults and often times specifically students continuing to grow as I've recently finally decided what I plan to do with my life. (working in the university system, pastoring students)

all I ate today was curry. Curry for lunch and we went to a real fancy curry restaurant tonight called Aagrah.

It was super good. I had the Chicken Kormha (sp?) and two Garlic Nan Breads and lots of other yummy goodness.

Tomorrow we're off to York for a day off and a time of shopping and good fun!

Much Love!

England Day Four.... WOW!

2010-03-09T15:27:00.000-08:00

So, I sit here with my REALLY hot tea. It was a sacrifice of lip pain to take that photo for you all. Anyway, I sit here and am finally winding down from the long day.

Today was like two days. A lot. A lot. But wow, God moved a lot too.

Here's how it went in brief...

Woke up and walked to the convenience store with Nathan. We came across a lady there with a cane and whom we had met earlier in the week. We prayed for her and her knee got better. All pain left and she could do things she hadn't been able to do. So that was fun.
Then we were split up between guys and girls today.

Nathan and I went to a Bacon & Butties gathering of ladies whose kids were in the daycare program. No I didn't get any of their numbers, seeing as they have kids and probably husbands. heh.
Anyway, we had numerous opportunities to pray for them for provision, resources, and healing. As well as some prophetic words and such. It was good fun. Most of the prayers, we won't see an immediate answer to, so we'll take those on faith.

The girls meanwhile went to a neighborhood coffee get together at one of the church member's homes (Liz). Liz's neighbor came by and ended up accepting Christ and getting filled with the Spirit. In that process of prayer her neck got healed too. Crazy cool! They didn't even pray for her neck.

We all met up with the whole team at Smith Wigglesworth's grave and then Nathan and I left early to go to the public high school for the Christian Union which is the after school program for Christian kids (kinda like Young Life or Campus Life)
It was interesting seeing a British high school. All the kids boys and girls where suits and ties. Girls can choose between skirts and trousers (pants). They have houses in the school (in the sense of like Harry Potter at Hogwarts, where they have the four houses that compete in games and such. (the banners were hanging in the commons area). That was interesting too.

Meeting with the kids was great. We practiced prophecy and it was an incredible moment for me to see God doing something amazing in a young lady's life. She is a future revivalist. I truly feel that she is going to affect the world in an amazing way. She has great influence so much so that three confirming words from three different coincidences at different times revealed her to be a Joseph. Her friend next to her drew a big star surrounded by little stars (like one of the dreams Joseph had about his brothers). Another person saw the same the day before. Then as we were walking out the play "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" was happening in the performance hall. How crazy is that? Then I just started getting this prophetic download from the Lord about the girl and WOW! She's like a young Kathryn Kuhlman with an Aimee Semple Macpherson mix.

Then this evening we had a Healing and Impartation time at the Cedar Court Hotel ballroom which will be the location of our leaders day tomorrow.
It was packed out. Standing room only. So hot in there too because so many came.
The atmosphere was spiked with the joy, love, and power of God. It was intense. It was incredible. It was awesome!!!
Here are some testimonies of things I personally saw God do through my hands...
One lady before the service came up and received prayer from me for rheumatoid (sp?) arthritis. All over her body causing pain and stiffness especially in the back, hips and legs. She got healed!!!!!! So awesome. She came in limping, and during worship she was dancing...
During service a lady saw me praying for the arthritis and asked me if I was a preacher. I told her "no", but sorta in the sense that I'm a student here to help with the healing service. She ended up asking for prayer b/c she had lung cancer. Wow...
I prayed for her. She had a lot of pain in her back and chest. Some of the pain relieved and a soothing warmness came on her chest. She didn't want any more prayer for the time being. But at the end when we started doing words of knowledge for healing, one student called out "something in the lungs" and another student said, "cancer". I saw her slightly raise her hand. Once people started praying I went over to her and continued on into breakthrough. By the end of that, she seemed nervous, like she was hoping God was healing her. After a lot of probing because of her reluctance (my sense is she didn't want to get her hopes up), I found out all the pain had left and she had a warmness all over her back and chest. Come on God! I believe, if the lung cancer hasn't been healed, it is being healed. (that's of course a thing to check with the docs).
It was so good. By the end, she had warmed up quite a bit to me, and we had a small conversation just about God's faithfulness and such.
Other cool miracles, a broken wrist (all aching and pain left) can't check it out to see if it's broken b/c of the cast, but she'll go in on thursday to check it out.
and then loads of other miracles, healings, and such that transpired in the room too.

Then we had a fire tunnel. Sheesh! These English can wear you out. They are quite the rowdy bunch and hungry bunch in the tunnel. It was amazing and so fun.

Thank you Lord for all you've done here in England today. We declare MORE MORE MORE is to come!

England Day Three....

2010-03-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

So, I have energy this night. Hallelujah! I achieved 8 hours sleep in 11 hours time last night. Woke up at 4am, read two chapters out of Danny Silk's new book "Culture of Honor" which is A-Mazing, A-wesome!

Today was great. Got a tour of Bradford with a deep discussion as to the history of Bradford, the wool milling industry, and the new influx of foreigners (Asian muslims and Eastern Europeans).
We toured the Christian Family Centre at the church as well. It was good fun.

Then back for lunch at the Gregg's house. It was good. Soup, fresh, soft, delicious fluffy bread, cheeses, meats, and deserts. Wow.
I'm getting fat already.
Last year I think I gained like 10 lbs in one week here. sheesh. Between chocolate and heavy meals wow...

This afternoon we did a Trekker's Family Night. Basically kids and families (mostly mums) from the community come out and it's a "outreach/seeker" friendly children's program.
They had an American theme and my friend Adam came out dressed like Abe Lincoln and interviewed me about God and His love.

Afterward we did, prophetic arts like face painting, words, and paintings. I actually did prophetic art, and I must say it wasn't too bad for a first time. I do have perfectionistic tendencies so my drawings took a good while. But I saw some people really blessed in genuine and moving ways. I got to refill a ladies love tank which was low with the intimate love of God for her. Her son was blessed with a good word that built on a life changing word he received last year. And a young girl seemed a bit impressed with the things God told me about her in drawing..

Afterward we split into two teams and went to some evening life groups. Had some Thai Spiced Soup which was good and then got to share and pray with the group. It was really fun. We had a nice time of prophecy. I had one of the more detailed prophetic "utterances" ha ha... that I've had.
I saw an interesting picture with a descriptive word for each member of the group. Some detailed things about their lives came out to some degree, and at least I hope the grace on those words were received and the breakthrough will come through...
We also prayed for a lady who had some pain in her "tooth" area. She was on some heavy meds, but the little bit of pain she could feel went away, so we're trusting the Lord that that is a sign of a full healing. :-)

It was a great time. I really enjoyed their group and feel that they will be integral in the advancement of the kingdom into dark places and bringing in new believers to the church family at Buttershaw Baptist Church.
So cool...
So that's it for today.

Tomorrow we will be visiting Smith Wigglesworth's grace, doing an after-school program (kinda like Campus Life) called Christian Union, and then doing a healing service with the entire North England Missions Team.

Cheeee!!!!

England Day Two....

2010-03-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, I'm even more tired writing this one. Only slept about 5 hours last night. Woke up super early, but spent some nice quality time with Jesus.
Today was pretty chill in the morning and then during the afternoon we prepped for a Sunday service (evening) outreach/cafe style event. It was a lot of games and fun. I got to share a bit on freedom as well.
Afterward we saw some nice things during breakthrough. One family in particular was specifically ministered to in great ways by the Lord.
Then we did a youth service. I taught them a little game called Ultimate Ninja. They loved it.
It was a good time, and we prophesied over the youth a bit...

I'm keeping this one very short, cuz I'm literally drained and exhausted...

Goodnight.

England Day One....

2010-03-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

Phew... I'm so tired writing this but I thought I'd give it a whirl.
Speaking of whirl, my whirlwind travelpalooza is now complete and I'm in bed in the UK ready for a week unlike any other that I've had before.
My hopes are high to see God move in a powerful way. I feel more firmly footed in His grace and love than last year for sure. I so hope to see Him move in amazing ways, impacting those He loves so much, and changing lives in more ways than one...

But first, I must sleep.
I had a great surprise pulling back the covers of my bed tonight. A bunch of chocolatey delights were sitting there waiting for me. A gift from the Gregg family I'm sure. They are so awesome.
If you'd like to see the church where I'm serving this week check out their website here:
http://www.buttershawbaptist.org.uk/

Just a lil thought for the night before I sign off...
You move the heart of God. Do you know how much you move Him? Do you know that you catch His eye? His gaze?
You are special to the Father...

Goodnight from England.

thoughts...

2010-03-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

The other day on my facebook status I typed the following quote...

"Jesus didn't go to the cross because of what He did, they persecuted Him for that, but they could live with that. It was because of the way He talked about who He was in relationship to the Father."

It makes you wonder what is more important? Probably a no brainer, but it's not what we do, but who we are that makes the difference.

Everything we do comes from who we are....

Kelly Clark, the pro-snowboarder was overheard saying: "Character does not get developed in situations, it simply gets revealed."

Who we are has a lot more to do with what we do than we think.
So I guess that means who we think we are is very important...

Jesus asked his disciples, "Who do you say that I am?"
Satan challenged Jesus in the desert by saying, "If you are... (the Son of God)"

It all comes down to identity, doesn't it...

the temptation in the garden was a challenge to God's identity and Adam and Eve's security in that.

So who do I think that I am? Well, for one thing, I often believe lies and that has been a trap. The same devil confronting Jesus' identity in the wilderness confronts ours this very day.

So, I guess the most reliable source for finding who I am is Father God.

I'm His son, I'm therefore a prince, I therefore have an inheritance. That inheritance being: All that is Jesus' is mine. Wow.
I'm loved, cared for, provided for, supported and I have a Daddy Who is quite proud of me.
I have authority given to me and His power expressed through me.
I am secure, I am covered by grace, I am enveloped in love no matter what I do.

that's like a fraction of a percent of the things He says about us...

So who are we in relationship to the Father?
Will the world move at a church that is busy "doing" or a church that is in love with "being"?
For the world is crying for a Savior. Jesus is that Savior and He made us His ambassadors.
When we know who we are, we will know what to do because as Jesus did whatever the Father said, so must we.
When we don't know who we are, we make messes and get involved in things unnecessary and do "responsibilities" instead of compassion.

Just some thoughts...

I head to England tomorrow... Yay!
Pray for our team, for good weather, safety, and breakthrough. Pray for many expressions of God's love to occur through healing, prophecy and friendship and whatever else He's got up His sleeve.

Last year we saw some awesome things happen. This year it's time to multiply...

I am one...

2010-02-27T00:14:00.000-08:00

Agony stirs my heart to repent. But what's the point? I'll probably go right back to the anguish tomorrow. Cycles. Circles. Aimless round roads that antagonize the heart and stir up frustration. I do and I don't. I will and I won't. When will it end? When will the circle become a road, a straight line moving toward something great? Or at least greater?
I feel like two people. One is moving down that road toward something greater and the other is going in circles. But the circler sabotages the momentum and keeps me trapped in cycles of despair.
One moment I'm raptured in His love the next I could seemingly care less about my God as I seek my own... what?
My life isn't meant for this. I'm not to be a disaster in the making, I'm to be something greater. Someone with significance, someone with honor, someone who lights a match and starts a fire.
So when will who I am in heaven circumvent who I seem to usually be like on earth.
The Bible says the old man is dead and gone, but he sure feels alive. He manifests himself in way too many ways, way too often. The unholy schizophrenia needs to stop. Necromancing with a dead man is foolishness. Where is my will? Where is the grace to succeed? People say it's there. It is there.
Where is there?
A call to intimacy stirs in my heart as I ask questions. God always seems to break through when we spend time with Him. When we seek Him, we find Him, and where He is, all things are resolved.
"There" is where He is. Where He is, is where I need to be.
I'm seated in heavenly places. It's time to touch that part of my life. I am not two people, I am one.

Decisions

2010-02-26T23:56:00.000-08:00

Pray for me. I have some decisions to make.
Since I've been here at Bethel I've gone into a large amount of debt. This is primarily because I'm paying for my own schooling and my missions trips and such. I also have a car and normal living expenses and work a job that simply isn't even getting close to matching my expenses.
Yes, I know Dave Ramsey would scream at me and probably slap me too.
The result of this is that I'm in more debt today than I've ever been in my life. I'm not scared about it, but I do know it's not good.

At the same time, I feel that it was worth it for what I've gained and learned here at BSSM. The most influential two years of my life for sure. I feel that I finally "get" God. I understand how heaven works, the spiritual realm and how we are to position ourselves as Christians on this earth. This is important since well, I live here on earth and I represent an unseen kingdom which is WAY too often misrepresented on this earth.

There is one more year for me here at Bethel. It involves an internship. The ideal for me is to go straight into it next fall. But my finances will only choke all the more. While this summer I will be able to regain some ground financially with my job on Maui, it's only going to halve my debt. Which basically means by the end of next year I'll be in WAY more debt than I am now, probably.

The other option is to stay on Maui for a year and get out of debt. Then do the internship free and clear the year after.
I need to decide what I want to do about this.

I do know that getting into debt is mostly my fault. I made some poor financial choices in my 1st year (mostly buying a truck and finding it to be a lemon, a big lemon). This year, I made, ironically the same mistake in getting a better car, but getting screwed over by the seller and having another costly lemon (not as costly thankfully).

I am thankful to those who have supported and helped me financially during these years, please don't feel that your money has gone to my debts. I always put your money into my tuition and missions accounts and such. So, at least directly they aren't feeding my "mistakes".

So I would appreciate your prayers: Should I get debt free and return to school or stick around another year and probably remain in debt longer than I would have otherwise...

I know that many of you will have "logical" Dave Ramsey type answers. But I'd appreciate you putting those on hold. I already know those answers. It'll simply be white noise. God doesn't always follow logic, and then again, sometimes He does...
The important thing is following His voice...

Jeremy

The night God SOZO'ed me...

2010-02-23T02:03:00.000-08:00

So...
Sunday night, after getting rocked/wrecked by an amazing message by Larry Randolph at Bethel's Sunday night service. A message I suggest you all watch... Visit http://www.ibethel.tv

Definition of SOZO = Greek word representing "salvation, healing, deliverance" He did a number on me Sunday night, here's how it went...

Anyway, that was an incomplete sentence. But here goes. I went home and put on a beautiful mix of worship (soaking) music. In a vision, Jesus approached me and I had shackles on my arms. These shackles have to do with some struggles that I've battled with for most of my life. He held his hands out as if to ask me to hand them to Him. They came of and I held them over His hands to drop them into them. But... I couldn't let go. For 10 minutes in this vision I am (verbally speaking out loud) "Let them go Jeremy, Let them go..." I was agitated because I couldn't release the shackles. Jesus also spoke to me, ironically, I verbalized what He said on my mouth as well, "Let them go Jeremy, I paid for this, I paid for this." I couldn't though, and I don't know why. It was so frustrating. Moments later I put the shackles back on my wrist and Jesus looked at me and said. "Come here, if you won't let go of them, then I'll wear them with you." And He hugged me. It was as if my body dissolved into His to some degree. I thought of how scripture says we are hidden in Christ.
Well, needless to say, I started to weep, A LOT! As He embraced me and put on the same shackles. Christ who paid for my sins was willing to carry my burdens with Him in our relationship.
So heavy...
During this point, a song came on "Do You Know the Way You Move Me" by Cory Asbury. It's a 23 minutes song (spirit-led improv mostly). It's the voice of the Father to us. I got wrecked by the words as God confessed His amazing, incredible, mysteriously foolish seeming love for us. I wept for probably 30-45 minutes. Memories from my past of situations that caused shame and fear in my life passed through my mind. God showed me vows I had made in those moments. I renounced them. Jesus turned me around and it was as if I was a little kid with my feet on top of His and He walks with my feet on His feet and I'm like being carried about by Him as if I were walking too. The shackles loosened, they stretched out arm length. A measure of freedom had already occurred. More mobility. He walked me over to the Father. The Father had a key in the shape of His heart. He wanted to unlock my shackles. He couldn't though, because there is more. I must let Him do it. Otherwise He would be forcing His will on my will. Ironically, what overshadowed that disappointment, was the revelation of His love and the measure of freedom acquired that night. My mourning turned to laughter. 45 minutes of weeping and wailing transitioned to 15-30 minutes of unstoppable laughter. A song came on by Jonathan David Helser called "You're Never Giving Up". The title kind of explains it all. God's unending passion for me, His desire to see me free, to see me full alive in His arms. He's not giving up on me, and that hope coincided with tons of joy.

So that was a neat experience.
And that last statement was the understatement of the year.

:-)

Love and Grief

2010-02-20T01:27:00.000-08:00

Wow.

Today my heart was grieved at the grief I give and so many others to the Lord.
How so?

Let me explain.

A discussion with one of our pastor's came up in class today about facing pain and grief. I'll skip all that to get to the part where a student asked if there is pain in heaven. Kris answered, as far as (new heaven/new earth) type stuff, he can't answer that. But as far as today, yes, there is. God grieves.
We all know that. The Bible says not to grieve the Holy Spirit. etc etc etc.
But what Kris went on to say really moved me.
He talked about a very difficult time in his life. He has had a lot of painful experiences in his life, but he noticed a more recent experience in his life involving family was so much more painful and grieving than anything else.

He made this statement (this is not a direct quote) - "The amount of love you have for a person equals the amount of pain or grief that person can cause in your life."
In other words, and that was not what he said exactly, but what was said was that the more you love someone the more pain they can cause you, the more grief you can experience over betrayal, or disappointment, death, etc. etc.

When Kris was going through this time when someone he loved like a father walked out of his life and his family's life, he was so hurt. He didn't realize how much pain he could feel. He often thought how he wished God would just take him home. And this all was with a great support system. He told us, he can't imagine how people handle pain and grief when they don't have a good support system.

But all the more, and this is what really got me. He said, during that time God said to Kris... In this situation you loved "this" much (imagine your hands about a foot apart from each other) and you feel all this grief. Can you imagine how much I love? (imagine hands as far a part as you can go + infinity). That infinite love God has for us is congruent to the amount of pain and grief He feels over one of His kids going astray, one of His children being lost and going to hell, one of His future children being aborted, etc. etc.

That wrecked me. That God love us SO much, and He grieves SO much because He sees each and everyone of us on this planet and all our hurt, pain, lostness, and dirt. He loves us so much, and yet we betray Him so often.

I have felt like the harlot so much, betraying the One who loves me so much, Who laid His life down for me, Who humiliated Himself by denying His Godhood and becoming a man, the creator became the creation. Wow.

What love is this?
My heart burns to know this love. To know this Father, this Friend....

alone in a crowd...

2010-02-17T22:41:00.000-08:00

First an update...
I was in Michigan this past weekend. It was COLD! But it was great. The church that hosted us was so honoring and generous. They took amazing care of us. I felt like a King, a VIP. It was great.
I traveled with a team of 7 of us and Kris & Kathy Vallotton, and Gabe Valenzuela.
I was the team leader among the students. That was an interesting position to be placed in. It was good to be used in leadership though as I haven't done that much since being at BSSM.
We saw some good things happen while there. Did some prophetic ministry time and more.
The funniest part was when we did a normal ministry time. We had a line out the door of people waiting for prayer. 2 hours later. HA! Yah, 2 hours later we finished. That scene repeated itself the next morning as well.
Altogether, it was a great trip and a nice opportunity to meet some people in my class I simply haven't gotten to know much at all before.

This week at BSSM has been pretty wild. Something's brewing. (revival?) People have had this huge sense and call for holiness. They're seeking after God with all they got. Worship times are intense and powerful. Eric Johnson got up to speak and first asked us to go around and lay hands on each other (give and receive). Everyone just got laid out in the presence of God for 3 hours after that. Bill Johnson came in for his scheduled teaching time, but instead just sat amongst us as we all encountered the presence of God.
That was Tuesday...
Today's worship was off the hook. It was so incredible, people really moved by His joy and freedom. Lots of good stuff happening. I heard that a large group of students has been meeting and praying and seeking Him in a house a few times this past week. So rad!

I kinda feel like I missed out on the first part of this happening while being in Michigan. Coming in I thought I would easily pick up breakthrough but it's been a rough go. I've felt trapped behind a four sided wall. It's like I can hear everyone encountering God but I can't see over the wall nor can I enjoy the same. I'm stuck. I feel alone in the crowd.
Not fun.

There was a lot more emotion behind that feeling during worship today, but now it's just that simple observation. To be careful not to come across negative and depressing as I have before, I do feel hopeful. I am glad for what's happening and even with the left out feeling, I still would rather dwell there than anywhere else. It's simply good.

I look forward to pressing in and finding what the Lord has for me in this season. He is good...

leaving on a jet plane.... actually flying in one!

2010-02-11T14:30:00.001-08:00

Yes, I'm writing this blog on a plane connected to the internet. Sweet as mate as they might say in New Zealand maybe, cuz I'm not really sure how they use it...

I played a little game and won a free pass to use the WiFi on my Delta flight to Minneapolis from Sacramento.
Pretty cool.
So you may be saying, "Why am I on a plane going to the cold cold midwest?"
I'm glad you asked...

I'm embarking on a ministry trip with 6 other BSSM 2nd year students to Kalamazoo, Michigan. We'll be Kris Vallotton's ministry team as he speaks at a church called Christian Life Center in Kalamazoo.
This should be a fun time for sure. The weather isn't looking so good but I'm sure our time with the Lord and with the beautiful people of Kalamazoo will be awesome.

Interesting facts about this trip. Our ministry team consists of 5 international students from countries including: Japan, Finland, Faroe Islands, Canada, and Australia...

That's one thing about our class, it's packed with all kinds of people from all kinds of places. I had never even heard of the Faroe Islands before coming to BSSM.

I'm interested to see what God is going to do on this trip. A bit nervous as usual, this whole prophetic, kingdom, supernatural culture has been such a new thing for me this past 1 1/2 years. It's included incredible opportunities for growth, but also many a nervous moment as I am often required to step "out" in faith and hope God is there on the other end. heh.

I've been nursing the flu the past couple days, so please pray for health for me and one of my teammates Jody, as she has it too. It'd be a way more enjoyable trip if we were 100% well.

Some news on my life:

1. I've just finished reading the book "Victorious Eschatology" by Harold Eberle and Martin Trench. This book was amazing. It presents the partial-preterist view about end times theology. The popular view today would be what is called the "futurist" view. As I read this book it was like blinders being removed from my eyes as they systematically look at the scriptural and historical contexts and reveal the eschatology that was held by Christians for the first 1900 years and only became popular in the last century. They also point out how in-accurate the futurist view tends to be. I encourage all Christians to read this book. Not only does it shift your end times views into something I believe is way more historically and Biblically accurate, but it also plants in you a hope for tomorrow and for the people of this world. In other words: It reflects God's heart of love and compassion and his mission to see us disciple all nations...

2. I'm heading back to Northern England in the first week of March. I'm excited to see the people of Buttershaw/Bradford yet again. I was unable to raise support for the trip and thus put the rest of the trip on my credit card. I felt like I was chopping off one of my hands while doing it. If you still would like to support me you can, and I can get reimbursed on my credit card. Visit www.ibssm.org and click the fourth tab down on the left. Afterward make sure you select the missions support tab, not the tuition tab.

3. God's been initiating a lot with me lately. It makes me feel loved for sure. He's been jealous of my time, and has been reminding me of that a lot. I'm thankful to be hearing His voice and knowing His passion for me and His love of my time spent with Him. This is an answer to prayer in my life, whereas I had often felt a bit disillusioned that I was always "initiating" contact with God and never just hearing His voice out of the blue calling for me.... Each day I feel myself drawing closer to the Father and His loving embrace. I'm so thankful...

Love you all.. Pray for us in Michigan, it's cold there but I know the warmth of His Spirit will warm the hearts of the people we touch....

cool stories...

2010-02-03T10:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, Just thought I'd share some cool stories from around here and abroad.

In light of the nasty newspaper article about us, it's always nice to hear more accurate perspectives from our community on how we are blessing them... Recently one of our pastor's was eating at a local restaurant. The manager came up to him and said, "You are from Bethel Church right?" and he said yes. The manager proceeded to tell him that over the years among all his customers, those from Bethel Church (that he knows of) always tip significantly more than any other customers. He also talked about how one day quite a little while ago, a Bethel member decided to pay for another table's bill, and it started a chain reaction, and all day people were paying for other table's bills (pay-it-forward kinda stuff). The irony is though, it's still happening to this day. The manager said even his long time customers that never did that before have started doing it. The manager even said it's almost gotten out of hand how many people are paying for other tables...

How cool is that? Just a neat little story about how you can effect your community in positive ways.
There are many more stories like that as well from around here...

We just had a team get back from Haiti. They took a lot of doctor's with them. They were able to set up emergency treatment/trauma clinics, as well as hit the streets and pray for people. While there the team was a combination of doctor's and revivalist's as we call em around here. As the team would hit the streets, they would pray for a lot of injured and sick people, and saw many miracles happen. Blind eyes opened, deaf hear, pain gone, and so on. One of the trauma clinics had some funny stories. The doctor would diagnose someone, and go to get appropriate medicine or bandages, etc. But while the doctor went to go get the stuff, one of our revivalists would pray for the person. The doctor would get back and reconfirm diagnoses, but would find the patient healed. This kept happening so much, that eventually the doctor said, how about you pray first and then I won't have to go get stuff only to not need it. So cool.
One doctor had been bringing a heavy medicine bag for trips on the streets and to more remote areas. Toward the end of the week he decided not to bring it because so many people would just get healed.
On top of all this, many many people accepted Christ as their Savior in this process.
Most importantly though: THE GOODNESS OF GOD WAS REVEALED IN HAITI. The team spoke to the crowds that would gather around them (when they would heal the sick and preach Christ) and they would remind them that this earthquake was not God's doing! And God is there now, and He is there to bring hope, healing, and restoration to Haiti and her people.

Here is a short and exciting video of their trip:

Hope For Haiti 2010 from Ryan Harris on Vimeo.

...the season of preaching

2010-01-31T22:30:00.000-08:00

Excessive sweating, nervous expressions, and a strange atmosphere seem to be the norm lately at 2nd year. Why you ask? Because we are currently in the midst of "preaching practicum".

Preaching Practicum is the one time in your 2 years here at Bethel where you are guaranteed the opportunity no matter how HORRID, how FRIGHTENING, how EXCRUCIATING it is to your nerves. All the students whose last fear was holding out til the end (the fear of the stage), have no where to escape because for about 10-15 minutes all eyes will be on them.

I got mine out of the way on the first day. So I can now focus on the rest of my homework and life as usual. The odd thing was, I was SOOOO nervous. I've preached in front of about 1,000 people before, I've spoken before even more than that. But I can tell you, I was never more nervous except when I was maybe just starting. As a result, I tend to lose my ability to think and function properly while nervous, so one observing might say my sermon wasn't all that well executed. I resorted to the old fashioned style of saying "umm" too much, and racing through what I was saying too fast. Then of course the ever so present making eye contact with the crowd truly tested my ability to multi-task. I failed at that. Everytime I let the eye contact occur, my mind would ever so slightly get distracted and my train of thought would temporarily derail. Oh the horror.

All things considered, my class is loaded with encouragement, honor and kindness with a touch of honesty to help you not feel "too" good about it. ha ha ha.

So what life-lesson did I learn? I actually did learn a life-lesson out of this one. Everytime I practiced my sermon I prayed before hand. When I actually did it in front of my classmates, I did not pray.
You may say: Is prayer the answer? Well surely it helps, but more importantly, I didn't find my peace. When I would pray before practice it was a way for my nerves to settle, my heart to focus, and my mind to center on the King of Kings, my Jesus who I love to talk about.
Application? Whenever fear shows up. Find my peace. Prayer is a good way to start. There may be other things. I love Isaiah 26:3. It's one of my favorite scriptures... It says: "He will keep you in perfect peace, when your mind is stayed on Him because you trust Him." So good yah?

Anyway, one more week of preaching practicum and then I suppose I will hear a corporate sigh of relief echo through the halls of BSSM 2nd Years Twin View Campus....

Love you all...

Oh hey, a note! I'm heading to England in just over a month. This costs a good deal of money. If you think you'd be able to support me financially in addition to praying for me. I'd be super appreciative. What will I be doing you ask?
My team will be embarking on a Council Estate (aka: low income government housing area) called Buttershaw. We'll be ministering with a church on the estate. The estate has about 7500 residents. A low literacy and employment rate. And not a lot of Christians. So basically a field ripe for harvest.
What do we hope to do? Bring the love of Jesus to the church, to families, to the community through evangelism, outreach, prophetic and healing ministries, and more. It will be amazing...
If you'd like to support me with a tax deductible donation you can by going to the following website:
http://www.ibssm.org
On this website you will see four options to click on the left side of the screen. The bottom one is the beginning of the donation process for me. Just look up my name (Jeremy Lang) and the rest is self-explanatory. It will be directly deposited into my missions account and I'll be directly thankful for your financial love. :-)
I do covet your prayers for me as well. This school has changed my life, helped me grow spiritually and emotionally in so many ways. It has been a huge sacrifice for me financially to attend here (aka: lots of debt). However, the sacrifice was worth it to me, despite what Dave Ramsey might say. :-)
You can comment on this article for more information. I'll be prompt with my response.

Thank you and God Bless...

things like friendship...

2010-01-31T00:49:00.001-08:00

this has never been a solid topic for me.
Why? Because I've never been too great at this one.
So here's the situation...

It seems that most of my life, I have never been to great at making friends. As a child, well you grow up with them, and parents usually help arrange that deal. As a teenager, I moved 4 times and went to 4 different high schools. That surely wasn't helpful. I discovered by the time I graduated high school that I had a bunch of friends, but I didn't know how to "be" a friend (initiate, for example), so basically most of those relationships didn't last after I moved away. They could've been great friendships. I really liked them all a lot. The thing was, I would never call them, they would have to call me, because well, I didn't know "how" to be a friend in the sense of initiating relationship...
Then there was college. I made quite a lot of friends there. The dorm was like a family, but like my high school experience, I realized something at the end. I made A LOT of friends, but the relationships weren't very deep. I didn't stay in touch or initiate relationship on a deeper level. I didn't know how to ask questions and care about people. I was superficial.
Then I went to South Africa. At the end of the missions trip some of the members of my team told me something that was so encouraging. They said they are glad they got to know me. They really respected me and basically expressed how they weren't sure about me at first. That was really cool, but also that was a short term experience I would soon after leave.
Then came Maui. Where I continued this unfortunate series of events. In this case, the aloha spirit reigned. People welcomed me in and became my friends. I made friends on all kinds of levels, some kinda deep, some more buddy buddy kind, and so on. After several years I noticed a tendency of mine to skip from friend groups to friend groups and never fully invest in one. I did invest very deeply in one friend group for a time and that was cool. But when I moved back to another part of the island, there was some distance and some disconnection. What I've noticed though is growth, and that's always a good sign. In this last case, I definitely did way better. I was somewhat more intentional and I was able to go deep and be vulnerable and relate deeply with them. Strange thing though...
I moved again...
Now I'm in Redding. I had such a hard time making friends up here. It was difficult for me. One reason I that now I'm a bit older, (30), and the vast majority of classmates are closer to 20. I know for a 20 year old, it's a bit weird cruising with someone 10 years older. My 1st year experience was a hard season for me. I noticed something. Since college, much of my "integration" into relationships was through the channel of leadership. I was a leader therefore people related to me. But here at BSSM, I was just another person, not a leader, not in a position of any sort. I had to fend for myself. I didn't pass that test super well. The old stuff, of not initiating relationship came up again. Fear of rejection reared its old head and came back into my life. I became "lonely". I didn't handle that super well. 2nd year was a bit better, but that's because, now again, I'm in leadership. hmmm.... Relationships were also facilitated better.
You all may be thinking. Golly, he sure is being nit-picky and melodramatic. I've noticed that I have a tendency to ride on the coattails of "roommate" relationships. Venturing out on my own has been "difficult". I often want to have my own place, so I can have alone time with God, etc. but I often wonder, how lonely would I be? Would I venture out to make friends?
I've been challenged a lot lately with the reality that I'm not myself around people often. I'm often afraid to be who I am, well in many cases, I don't know who I am. I've spent so much of my life covering, protecting, disguising, and fighting who God made me to be, it's like a maze and a puzzle combined into one giant ball of confusion trying to figure out who the heck I am.
My normal tendency is to be quiet around people I don't know well. I think I try to adapt, and if i don't feel I can then I just move on, even if I really like those people. It's so frustrating. I see other people who just be themselves no matter where, and sometimes it doesn't mesh, but that's okay, because somehow they are able to just be themselves. I want that for my life SO BADLY...

So you may be asking the question. Wow, Jeremy, kinda being hard on yourself tonight?
Not really folks... I'm in a mellow mood right now, when I'm mellow I get reflective. I chose to be really vulnerable and let you into my heart and my thinking. Lately, my identity has been getting challenged a lot. Fears about what the heck I'm going to do after school? Where am I gonna go? And so on and so forth....
This is part of that challenge...

I have learned how to be a friend. Now I just need to learn how to become a friend, as in be myself and not be afraid to initiate...

I'm afraid to publish this post, because it's pretty raw, but that's where I am in one corner of my sometimes confusing life....

Growing in the Prophetic...

2010-01-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

In a couple weeks I'll be traveling to Michigan to serve with Kris Vallotton on a ministry trip to a conference.
Usually when we go on these trips as 2nd years, we get to sit under the anointing of the speaker and well, as a result we see our giftings amplify in many ways. Kris, being the prophet of the house will most likely have a radical effect on my prophetic gifting and I so look forward to seeing that increase and what that looks like. Something about traveling away from Bethel in seeing your gifts activate in greater and more significant ways. Maybe it's because while here, you grow steadily (kind of like a child growing... you don't see them 6 inches taller the next day, it's more steady). Much the same, when you go on one of these trips it's like undergoing a growth spurt. I'm excited to see what happens.

I definitely want to grow more in the prophetic and words of knowledge. It's a scary gift in the sense that you kind of have to put your reputation on the line every time you talk with someone because you are speaking to them about things you don't know about them by faith. A big trusting God and knowing His voice thing. I'm excited for that even more. I so long to know God more and more. I need to spend so much more quality time, getting to know His voice...

I've been praying for such an increase in these gifts, and just the other day, we were praying for our outreaches and God gave me a name. Since I'm in the jr. high outreach, I assumed it was the name of one of the kids in one of the schools. I didn't want to be all "up in front" of everyone, so I asked God which school it was for (there are like 6 or 7 teams that go to different middle schools). I felt like it was the team in the corner of the room. So after the praying was done, I walked over to them and asked them if they had a kid named "Anthony" at their outreach. Sure enough they did. I was so stoked. God gave me a name and which school to go to. 1 out of 7.. Cheee!!!! Then I shared a bit of a word for him and trust that they took care of the rest.
Later on, I found that he is one of the quieter kids at their outreach and they've had a hard time pulling him out so-to-speak. So I think this reassured them about him and assured them of God's intentionality on that kid.
I'm excited to hear about him down the road...

That was such a great experience because, I wasn't even looking to get a word of knowledge, it just popped in my head.
I've been desiring more God initiated experiences, as opposed to me asking for a word for someone or whatever. I hope that was a firstfruits of many new encounters with God.

I love this stuff! It's so great....

Just wanted to share that little testimony from this week. I am often more impressed by the little things/moments in life than the big stuff.

Love you all...

A turn in the road... Persecution and Opposition

2010-01-24T01:46:00.000-08:00

Hey folks,

It's been a while. Sorry for that. My life as of late has been busy in different ways. I've been so busy, that every day feels like I'm just trying to get a breath to stay alive while underwater.

An interesting sort of things has happened here in Redding this past week. The local newspaper did a 3 part (3 days) cover page story on my church. Big news. Unfortunately it wasn't a positive one. The first one, sort of was positive with these slight allusions to things that could help the uber critical have some food to feed on. The second one, way more negative. The article writer picked an unusual situation to talk about, and basically, well found no results in any healing testimonies or doctor's reports. Which to me means she really didn't look very hard, since there are walking testimonies and documentations all over our church not to mention the community. The pastor of my church wouldn't supply documentation, because that is private information for the individual and he would be opening that person up to probes from the press, that probably wouldn't be friendly. Additionally, he doesn't feel he needs to prove anything, and the overall feeling was obvious, that she was going to put a negative bent on the church period. The third day, she went for the weird stuff. Talking about "Angel feathers and gold dust". She painted us out to look like wackos. She pulled in some local "theologians" who have personal crusades against our church who shared their opinions about us. To be fair, the second article was relatively balanced with some positive "interview" stuff. The third article had a pitiful attempt and redeeming anything she set out to destroy.
The comments on the website were simply and borderline "evil". Accusations that we're a cult, that we're all going to drink kool-aid someday like the Jim Jones people, etc were broad and consistent. Ironically, very few if any positive comments were fielded. My friend said she tried to write a positive comment and was constantly denied. When she called the newspaper, they said they wouldn't be accepting her comment (with no explanation). The worst though, were the comments about my pastor. Pairing him up with the likes of people like Jim Bakker and Benny Hinn, etc. who live lavish lifestyles and make lots of money and essentially are just running a business to fleece the flock and make personal gain. While my pastor makes a healthy salary from his ministry wing (Bill Johnson Ministries) (not the church), that makes sense since he's authored numerous books, has lots of audio materials, and is a regular speaker at conferences across the globe. People don't seem to care about that.
Most of the comments, I realize are a bunch of people hatin' and these people have little or no info to support their comments, but are simply ignorant. My pastor and my church give so much into the community and help the needy and hurting. They invest in the community unlike any church I've ever seen before.

Another thing that really bothered me is that since we've been painted as a bunch of crazy cultist type people, the persecution level has picked up. My friend got out of her car (she has out of state license plates). A guy strikes up a conversation with her, finds out she goes to Bethel and immediately cuts off the conversation flips her off walks away and tells her in more or less words "go home you bethel wacko".

Here are some thoughts I have in light of these circumstances....

1. I find myself feeling compassion for politicians, government officials, and business leaders. If a smalltown media outlet can be so cruel, partial and influential in spinning a story, how much do the big boys do the same (NBC, CNN, USA Today, The New York Times, etc). The media has so much influence in what we think, and if we do not pair our reception of news with wisdom, we can be like sheep and believe whatever we hear. It's propaganda for whatever the media desires. I think some outlets, push for ratings, some for political bents, some for simply a media feeding frenzy that gets out of control. Sometimes we see what we want to see, and lose objectivity. I now respect people regularly receiving scrutiny by media significantly more, even those I disagree with philosophically.

2. My heart hurts for my church family. The filth being spoken hurts my heart. So many people say so many things out of pure ignorance. People who call us a cult and such shock me. I will sit in a worship service here at church, sing songs to my Jesus and hear the heart of a pastor so humble and filled with passion to see Christ's name glorified in this earth and all I can think is, "how on earth could someone think we're a cult or off track". This is the most giving, loving, purpose driven body of believers I've ever been a part of. It blows my mind how blind people are.
So in regard to #2 - I must never judge something unless I have spent time understanding it first (ie: going there, listening, etc.)

3. My heart further ached when a friend, who disagreed with the doctrinal views of a teacher in my school, called the teacher "Crazy lady who teaches false doctrine" the other day. It just reminded me that even someone who earnestly seeks after God, including myself can judge a person instead of a person's views, and end up dishonoring a son or daughter of God.

4. I have found myself 'bothered' by this occurrence. After reading all the comments, doubt tried to come in, but it was so easily washed away by the countless testimonies of God's grace and power that I've personally witnessed and experienced here and elsewhere. But one thing I must come to grips with, is persecution and opposition. There are those even at my home church, known to be grace-oriented, who think I'm in a cult or at the least seriously misguided. They will hear one thing that may not be the ideal according to them and judge an entire movement. Good old plank in the eye kind of things. Back to the "bothering". These are the firstfruits of persecution. It's nothing in light of our brother's and sister's in some other nations. But it's something. If I can't handle verbal abuse and persecution, then I certainly won't handle physical. So I must make a decision. All in? All in....

so what do I do about all this news? I can't afford to let my awareness of the negative news and such to become greater than my awareness of His presence in my life. I must cultivate an awareness of God that is stronger than any word or persecution that comes. The Lord is calling me into intimacy. An intimacy that will not veer to the left or the right when the pressure comes. In the meantime, it's time to turn off the receiver of bad news. My awareness isn't that strong left. My sense of justice is really ticked off and ignorant people. But if I let my anger go to far, I will only become like them.

A word for all of us: Let us never forget love. No matter how different we are, how much we disagree. Jesus' love spans Mother Theresa to Hitler. Don't ever go after the person... All of us are loved by God, we can disagree and share that, but we don't hurt God's children, we don't abuse each other. That's an offense to the heart of the Father of us all...

With love I turn this road, with love I carry a new load, but a load that's easy?, because His yoke is easy, His burden is light. I will walk with boldness, I will walk in faith, I will carry the torch of His amazing grace. I will love, I will show the face of Christ to those who'd but spit in mine. What opposition? What burden? What persecution? What can press me down? For I am more than a conqueror through Christ. I am His own and He is mine. I know the Father because of the Son. I have the Holy Spirit who makes us come together as one. I am yours and You are mine, I am the bride, you are the bridegroom. This covenant I sign, this law of love I embrace, for it is the greatest law ever written. It is the law of Your heart, Abba!

2010

2010-01-10T17:20:00.001-08:00

A post on 2010 seems to be a little late by now. Today in church I heard that it is expected to be the year of Intimacy with God. I like that. That's what He's been pouring/pounding into my mind the past year, trying to get me on board in this thing called a relationship.

Danny Silk spoke today in church. It was good stuff. He talked about how we relate with God. I'm gonna share my notes with you, cuz this was such a good talk. Hope Danny doesn't mind... :-)
3 stages of the process of love:
1. Servant (Galatians 4:1-7) A servant is dependent. He develops trust...
-puts the needs of others above your own
-delays gratification
-builds in our character giving, helping, and sacrifice
-we are vulnerable to authority
-we don't understand "Why"
2. Son (Luke 15:11+) A son is independent. He develops the ability to choose.
-crucial to our health in receiving love
-teaches us to expect help
-opens our lives to learn of unconditional acceptance
- The father in Luke 15 responded with 1. affection and 2. indentification
-strength to not need validation for who we are
-knows what our Father looks like
-Looks like our Father
-We know "why"
3. Lover (Revelation 19:7+) A lover is interdependent. He embraces covenant.
-if you haven't mastered trust (servant) or choices/freedom (son), you have no business being married.
-we have strength to serve without a pay-off
-to love even when you will get nothing back
-I can lay my life down
-My motive is to add strength and benefit to your life

It's good stuff. Obviously the notes don't do very much justice. If you wish to hear the entire message online you can visit two websites:
http://www.ibethel.org (on the right side of the screen probably by Monday or Tuesday the message should be available). The message title most likely will be "The Process of Love" and the speaker is Danny Silk
or you can visit:
http://www.ibethel.tv and search by the date for his message (January 10, 2010). I think you can watch it without a membership, but maybe not. For sure on the .org site...

I'm back in Redding. It's kinda cold, really it's not compared to much of the rest of the nation, but after being on Maui for 3 weeks it's taking some getting used to. The jet lag is kinda tripping me up, but that's okay.

Next week is going to be an amazing time at school. Randy Clark is coming to town and our entire school will be meeting at the Redding Convention Center for Randy's "School of Healing and Impartation". Randy is a great teacher and historian as well as anointed in healing. It should be a great time of activation and information combining for some great growth spiritually in the Lord.

If you are in the Redding area, each night (Tues-Fri) there will be a healing service at the convention center. Bring the sick. Last year we saw so many miracles, it was moving and in some ways even fun because the grace of God was in the room to see so many healed and delivered...

If you can't come I encourage you to join me in praying that many unsaved will come and find God and that we'll get people saved, healed and delivered. Nothing like the full package to get you started off right in a relationship with Jesus...

It's good to be back. I'm slowly getting back on my feet exhaustion-wise and getting my life organized again, but it's good stuff...

God Bless...

Meditation

2009-12-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

As seen in my previous post I have seen quite a few episodes of Smallville and watched the Superman movie lately.
I have noticed this before and once again that in the inundation of the same thematic program over and over, one finds themselves dwelling on it more and more when not watching it.
For example:
1. The theme song might get stuck in your head
2. You may find yourself wanting to watch it more and more
3. You'll think about life sometimes through the lenses of the show/movie
etc.

Basically, it's called meditation.
The regular practice of spending time focusing on something/someone.

What if I attributed that to my relationship with God? Where I spend so much regular time with Him, in worship, praise, learning, prayer, in the word, that I find myself getting the theme of God stuck in my head, that I may find myself wanting Him more and more, and that all of life's perspectives are seen through the lenses of His goodness, His love, etc.

You can see through the inundation of watching a tv show on dvd, and how it affects your mindsets and what you think about, that real genuine time spent with God in meditation and adoration will affect your lifestyle and mindsets.

So that's a quick thought on the power of time spent in God's word, with Holy Spirit, and in prayer.

Enjoy! And Happy New Year!

From Smallville to Superman

2009-12-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie "Superman Returns" the other day. I have also spent some of my free time during this break catching up on the tv show "Smallville". I've always been a fan of superhero stories. I think people become fans of superhero stories for a few reasons: 1. We are all looking for heroes. 2. A chance to dream about impossibilities. 3. There is something within us crying out to be a hero for others. 4. Some who feel weak or rejected may get hope dreaming about being powerful.

While some of these reasons are healthy, some can be the beginning of an unhealthy road, but all things considered, there is something about superhero's that attract a lot of people.

I found myself getting emotional while watching "Superman Returns". I was watching it after having watched some of the show "Smallville". "Smallville" takes place when Superman is a teenager/young adult discovering his place in the world, who he is, and what he's capable of. He comes into a place of meeting his birth father through a computer program and getting to interact with him, to some degree. Much of this is the impartation of a calling and the desire the father has for his son. There is a strong father/son element in the Superman stories as it deals with a father's passion for his son to dream, and be a hero, a leader, a world changer.

There is a purity in the Superman stories as well. He is driven to see the best in people, to always have a positive outlook. He sees the world as a place with such potential. He is a dreamer. Much of those views come from both his earthly and his birth father.

I love that he takes on his identity from his father's greatness and impartation.
I love that we too, have a powerful Father in heaven who has called us to greatness. Who has called us to be dreamers, to see the world's potential, to see what people can be capable of and to call that out of them.

The words of Superman's father in "Superman Returns" about humanity are the kinds of things the church needs to be saying about this world. We need to shift our view into the Father's view. Not a view of judgment, but a view of love that sees the potential for each person to become who God has called them to be. For each person to discover their destiny in Him.

Then there is the issue of Clark Kent's humble beginnings as a farm boy in Smallville to the savior of the world. There are parallels made with Jesus in some cases.

Jesus Christ is the hero of the world, the non-fiction Superman. But the crazy thing is, He is all about equipping. So He commissioned us to be powerful people who carry on His mission of saving the world. We are called to disciple nations, to heal the sick, to rescue the broken, to deliver captives, to set free prisoners, to help the poor. *Isaiah 61:1-3 goes into greater depth.

But not only that, Jesus adopted us as brothers/sisters and thus gave us a Father with whom we can be in relationship. This Father much like Superman's dad, sees this world, and wants it rescued. He sees, through His eyes of love the calling awaiting the people and nations of this world. The destiny they can have if they choose to follow.
So we have a Father who leads us, and teaches us about love, and who, like Jesus, we obey and do what He is up to.
Then there is Holy Spirit who is the one who releases power to us, to be the heroes we are called to be. But not only that. HS is a person who shows us the way, counsels us, and interacts with us. He is our strength in weakness, He is our comforter, our nurture, and empowerer. :-)

I have often felt stuck in Smallville. I have felt small most of my life. The lenses I've viewed the world were ones of discouragement, fear, and being overwhelmed. When given opportunities to step into my destiny I would step back and reject them. But it's a false reality. The enemy would have you feel small, but the reality is that when you step into your destiny, grace.... Grace is there. And you can do amazing things. Grace, the operational power of God, gives you the power to operate in the challenges you face in fulfilling your destiny, your call. You'll find it surprisingly easy when you follow God. There is the challenge within. The doubts, the fears, etc. But in looking to Jesus, in looking to the world through Father's eyes, you see your mission and you find your call and you walk in the grace.
Isaiah 59:19 says: "When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will raise up a standard against Him."
One could say, since the original language did not have commas, maybe it is: "When the enemy comes in, Like a flood the Spirit of the Lord will raise up a standard against Him."

Either way it's a great scripture.

I challenge you to move from Smallville to the destiny you have sitting in front of your face. Dream, Dream, Dream! Know that nothing is impossible with God. There is a Father who loves you, A son who has given you authority, and Holy Spirit who empowers you each and every day. There is no way you can lose. It's time to end the small thinking, and join God in His big picture of redemption. Let's save the world!

The curse of Familiarity

2009-12-21T19:03:00.000-08:00

There is a curse that causes dishonor in marriages and friendships. A blight that causes lack of enthusiasm about the goodness of God or the purpose a man/woman has. A disease that decreases someone's awareness that there might be something wrong with "this" picture. It's called Familiarity.

About a month ago I became acutely aware of this curse, this blight, this disease. It was eating me up, it was eating lots of people up. It has been eating people up for centuries and ages past.

The curse when you get used to someone in your life. They become a close friend, or your spouse. In that common daily life lived together you forget how special they are, you forget to communicate your needs, thoughts, desires. You become familiar. It becomes normal, typical, and eventually that gratefulness you once had in relationship with them becomes, at times, resentment, bitterness, or boring.

The blight when you get used to an environment alive with the power and glory of God. When you get so used to it that well, it becomes normal, boring, and well, sorta dead. All around you, people could be getting saved, healed, delivered, set free, and you sit there and feel "ho hum". Worship could be off the hook, the presence of God descending, and you sit there, complacent.
The blight when the calling on your life, the purpose for which you live and the passions you have become boring, forgotten, or distorted. You lose focus because you've failed to keep your eyes looking forward and are responding to your feelings more than your purpose. We all have feelings, and those feelings sometimes don't "feel" like doing anything, or doing what needs to be done. There is a place in our lives where we can predetermine our attitude toward something and force our feelings to come into alignment with our vision/passion/purpose/values in life. Renewing the mind is so key.

The disease when a woman is abused by her husband and is so familiar with it that she actually thinks it is normal. or a child, abused, raped, mistreated, rejected so often that they think it is supposed to be that way. There is something wrong with that picture, but to them, it's normal life.

Familiarity is rough when you get 100 happy birthday comments on your facebook wall on your birthday. So many that you can't reply to each one or really remember who wrote you. :-\ (that's more of a joke, but yah for sure)

Recently at school, I noticed that I was becoming familiar with the presence of God. His presence in worship. His power and glory so obvious and evident. Testimonies were becoming commonplace and ho hum, seeing someone miraculously healed was typical, worship was kinda well, just ok.
This frustrated me. I felt like there was a bit of an overall gloom among many of us. It was starting to feel like that "normal" church experience that I grew up with, but with all the added bits of power and amazingness. In one sense, that's great. The "normal" Christian life is meant to be powerful and glorious and abundant. In the other sense, WE MUST NOT LET WHAT SHOULD BE NORMAL, BECOME FAMILIAR AND BORING. We must constantly cultivate a heart of thankfulness toward the Lord, a heart of praise that lifts Him high in our lives. An attitude that sees all things through the lense of love. Through that lense we live out 1 Corinthians 13. We believe, hope, trust, and care! When the person gets healed, we CELEBRATE! When the testimony is shared we revel in the goodness of God. We rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep!

I have often been concerned that I might just view a person I'm praying for more as a project than someone to love and care earnestly for. The ministry of healing, prophecy, evangelism goes hand in hand with compassionate love. Jesus healed the masses because He was moved with compassion.

So what happened at school/church? Did familiarity end? After the weekend where I had first started noticing this familiarity, we returned to school and instead of opening up with worship, they pushed it back about 45 minutes and started by having us share our testimonies. Student after student went forward to share some amazing thing God did through them. Miracles, salvations, financial testimonies, family breakthrough, inner healing, and more. It was as if the goodness of God was being expressed as a wave growing and growing and growing until it became so big it had to crash all over us, and then we broke into worship and celebration of His goodness.
The Bible says we are to enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. When we share our testimonies of breakthrough and of His goodness we are in essence entering His gates through thanksgiving and leading us into His courts with praise. Worship has to break out!!!!

So to break the curse of Familiarity we must testify of His goodness. We must remember the great things, the things He has done and how marvelous they are to our eyes! Our God is so good and so gracious and so loving! Let us become familiar with Him in intimacy but never familiar in getting used to Him, for there is no end to the increase of His government and His peace. He is a journey of discovery for us forever and ever.

If you have been feeling "too familiar" with God or others lately, I declare a time of refreshing! I ask you to remember the things He has done, the good things about your spouse/family/friends, and more.

Love you alll

people...

2009-12-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

I just found the perfect people watching song. I think it was featured in a Nooma episode one time.
So it's playing in my headphones right now as I write this, and thus it makes me sentimental and draws my attention to the most beautiful thing in this world. People.
Beg to differ?
I would a lot of times. God said "very good" about us...
I've met a few people who don't seem "very good". I've heard of others.
But....
really? How beautiful we are. We are the only things on this planet capable of relating to God in a "real" way. Everything else shouts out its praise in various forms of being, acting, doing, existing. But we've captured His heart and He can capture ours.

Next time you see a person, realize how beautiful they are. Ask God what He thinks of them. I've done that before, WOW! The perspective and reality check you get can totally transform how you relate to someone. You see the hope they carry, you see the plan of God for them, you see His loving thoughts toward them. How can one not fall in love with people after such an awakening to their beauty.

Oh that I would love more. more. more.

***song: "Over the Pond" by The Album Leaf

late night musings... on HIM

2009-12-08T02:01:00.000-08:00

HIM
HIM
HIM

Just the very simply word "Him" makes me emotional right now as I write this. I write while listening/watching the student awakening (aka: revival/outpouring, etc.) at IHOP. It's 2:04am.

My pastor Bill Johnson and his wife Beni went there tonight along with John and Carol Arnott, the pastor's at the Toronto Airport Church where the Father's Blessing outpouring is still occurring.

I'm listening to the worship right now, Cory Asbury is leading. So beautiful. I can hear in the background the crowds of people encountering the presence of HIM. The testimonies erupting from that place are countless. People miraculously healed in their bodies, in their minds, in their hearts. People delivered from addictions, cravings, homosexuality, past hurts, and so on. And not only that, but some of these things are happening to people simply watching via internet at home. There are other places around the country tuning in and experiencing their own awakenings, including my alma mater, Asbury College. A group of college students at the Asbury House of Prayer are experiencing God's love and power through similar circumstances, and pure joy.

There is nothing better than being with HIM.
HE is so good. HE is worth every second of my time. HE is the passing thought, HE is the reason to worship, HE is joy, HE is love, HE is peace, HE is righteousness, HE is Father. HE is JESUS!

Take Delight in me oh Lord... May the favor of Your face rest on me... May I know You more my beloved...
My love is Yours. My heart is Yours. My time is Yours. My life is Yours...
I am committed to You. I am Yours and You are mine.

http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000060205

the above is a link to what I'm watching/listening to right now. It's good stuff.

A thought from something the Lord reminded me of earlier tonight. I think one of the most humbling and convicting things the Lord can say, at least to me, is that He "trusts" me. Knowing all my junk, all my failures, mistakes, struggles, sins, etc. and that He would say that. Not to mention others saying that to me when they know my junk too. That one word can mess a person up. I was really encouraged by that tonight.

that's all for now... I'm going to bed

a poem called "If"

2009-12-07T23:32:00.000-08:00

"IF"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

...to be hidden

2009-12-04T23:26:00.000-08:00

hiddenness is such a divine quality in this walk of faith known as relationship with Jesus, or Christianity.
To remain hidden, not seeking renown, not seeking attention or self-promotion. But to be hidden, to be the person of character and amazingness God's put in you when nobody is around, when you are alone, in the secret place.
For who you are in places hidden, positions you for who you will be in the spotlight, in public.
That the inner workings of my relationship with God, the integrity, the character, the fruit of the spirit, the depth of relationship be all hashed out one on one, in the secret place with Jesus.
So good.

...to be hidden is what we all need. It's what I need. I have become acutely aware as of late that most of my Christian life has been experienced in a "professional" relationship with God. I've worked with and for Him. He is calling me to the inner place. The place of intimacy and closeness. A "personal" relationship. Where we get along one on one, not just while preaching or preparing to preach. Or while praying, counseling, or pastoring someone. There is no greater need in my life than this.

Right now, I am alone in my home. Lights off, with worship blaring. So as you may suppose, this note reflects something fresh on my mind, that I must now entertain.

"Hello God.... Where do we start?" I love Him so much. Thank you my Jesus for Your goodness. You are SO good. so good. so good. so good. Thank you...

Shake, Rattle or Roll?

2009-12-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

One of the things that concerns many of my friends and many evangelical churches in the world about the church/school I go to is a behavior commonly called "manifestations". In "renewal" circles they might be called "manifestations of the Spirit/spirit", in some evangelical circles many would consider them "manifestations of the flesh" or just plain demonic.

What am I referring to? In our felt experience here, many people who "feel" the presence of God in their bodies can be prone to shaking, making a noise (grunting, tongues word, an exclamation of surprise like "WHOA! or HO!" etc.), falling to the ground, or any other number of physical gyrations. In this case, one could say "Shaking, Rattling or Rolling"....

In this dialogue, I'm going to highlight Biblical reference, Historical reference, and my own experience (suppositions) about this experience.

We'll start with the Biblical...

One might say, manifestational experiences don't seem to be in the Bible. Obviously the majority of displays of manifestational activity have been seen in "renewal" church services like the "Toronto Blessing" etc. In the Bible, there was only mention of one large gathering that had strange behavior. That was Pentecost. At Pentecost, some 3,000 people encountered and were filled with the power of the Holy Spirit, in which observers exclaimed that those people seemed to be drunk. What do drunks do? Well they stumble, they fall over, and they lose many inhibitions. Additionally, on an individual basis you can see physical manifestions of spiritual activity occuring in the likes of the Apostle Paul in His encounter with Jesus and going to the 3rd heaven, and trances. The Apostle John (falling like dead) in Revelation. and other similar situations and encounters. (on a side note: I wouldn't be quick to judge Christians saying they've experienced "trances, going to 3rd heaven, open visions, walking on water, teleporting/translating" as all of these have a consistent Biblical basis.)

So there's a bit of Biblical reference... I don't want to make this a 100 page paper so lets move on...

Historical references to manifestations...

Along with pretty much every great revival over the past few centuries (especially those where signs/wonders and miracles broke out, there were quite a few manifestations physically. Folks like Benny Hinn are known for the issue of being "slain in the Spirit" (kind of a awkward phrasing, but that's what it's been called). Basically the power of God causing one of fall backward, forward, downward, etc. But lets go way way way back in history...
Did you know that the Quakers (ie: Quaker oats, the Society of Friends, a denomination started in the 1600's by George Fox) were nicknamed Quakers because they were known to shake violently and their bodies would "quake" under the power of God. Another smaller denomination was nicknamed the "Shakers" (there is a historical village called Shakertown in Central Kentucky). I think you can denote why they were called "Shakers". So this isn't something new that just arrived on the scene in Toronto in 1994. Our modern experience turns us to Toronto. The Toronto Blessing has seen close to 4 million worldwide visitors. People were known in that outpouring for laughing, rolling, shaking, and some would say even barking like dogs and roaring like lions. Perhaps a couple people did that too. :-)
That outpouring created quite an uproar in the church. Something new and weird in Christendom, in a Vineyard church no less. The irony is that it's not something new, it's been with us for centuries, since the beginning.

My personal experience...
Since being up here at Bethel I have experienced these manifestations in many a form. I have fallen over, I have shaked, jerked, rolled, laughed, I have been overwhelmed by the weighty presence of the Lord. (The word "Glory" means weighty). To an outsider, this can be quite disconcerting, perhaps even freaky. It sure was to me. When I was 15 I went to a church experiencing the Toronto thing and I cried, and freaked out. It's been a long journey since then but I chose to lay down "pre-conceptions and judgments and see if the people experiencing these "awkward gyrations" are in fact fruit-bearing honest-to-goodness lovers of Jesus. Boy would I be surprised. I found such freedom and joy in some of these folks. People moved to tears by the goodness of God, people filled with laughter at the freedom they've found in Christ. The Toronto Blessing, while so criticized has also born so much fruit. Heidi Baker was rocked at that place, unable to move for 7 days, people would bring her water. She has since gone back to Mozambique and changed Africa forever. 10,000 orphans cared for, 8,000 churches, nearly 100 raisings of the dead, almost every deaf person that comes to her ministry hears, and so many other countless miracles, salvations and acts of goodness from a good God. Leif Hetland, rocked at Toronto has since led 3/4 of a million Pakistani muslims to Jesus. That's 750,000 muslims!!! While rolling on the floor laughing, countless people would testify that they were freed from addictions, past hurts, worry, etc.

My first couple months here, I did not shake, rattle or roll. But I chose to love instead of judge someone else's experience. As I stood in the midst of crowds of people falling down, laughing, shaking, I found myself wanting that. To feel God. To physically feel His presence in and on me. That's an encounter with the living Savior. With the Holy Spirit. I saw those people who shook in their daily lives and I saw productive people, Christians living out lives of love and charity to the lost, the broken, the poor and each other. They will know we are Christians by our love!

Eventually I began to experience these shakings, and it was crazy! I often, while manifesting would question, "Is this really you God or am I doing some psychosematic copying of other people and this is just me?" I've questioned that countless times. What's so funny is, I'm not faking it. I know that for sure now, cuz one time I tried to stop myself from feeling His presence on my body, and well, it didn't work so well.

What is it? I am no expert, and we don't develop theologies and doctrines around it. So I would define it as a couple things... A manifestation of the spirit/Spirit is our body feeling what's happening in the spiritual realm. We are body, soul, spirit. Our spirit is the connection peace with eternity. The Bible says we are seated in heavenly places. I believe when the Holy Spirit comes upon us we can feel Him, this can do a number of things to a person. People can just simply feel heavy, or lots of heat in their body. Some shake, some twitch a bit, some might shout out a word, some may fall, some may grin, cry, laugh. It's all good, and everyone's different and feels differently. Quite a few people don't feel a thing. They simply have an awareness of God's presence with them. Yes, hear me, many people in our church/school don't manifest at all. One might say those who do tend to be "feelers". Their personality and makeup is that by which they feel stuff (less thinker types) Kinda like that Myers Briggs Thinker/Feeler thing, perhaps.
I know I also feel angels. When they come near or fly close by or walk by me, I usually twitch and shake and lurch forward and groan. I can perceive their presence, it's cool. I've only physically seen them with my eyes once though. I look forward to more.
There is also the spirit/demon aspect. Working in deliverance ministry, when setting people free from things, your body and often theirs too will lurch or groan or shake a bit because you can feel in the spirit realm the transference, the expulsion of a spirit/demon, or whatever... It's all quite fascinating. But a reminder: Not everyone feels it and that is okay. The important thing is relationship with God and that's all that matters.

I write all this realizing that my experience with this stuff can kind of make me a pariah among many friends and much of the church. However, it is what I've experienced. The fruit of my life is pretty good, and I sense the presence of God, and feel that this stuff is supported enough in scriptural and historical reference.

My definition of a manifestation is "MY" definition. It is in no way necessarily correct. But those are my suppositions about what I'm experiencing when my body shakes, rattles, or rolls.

My proposition to you is to hear me out. Realizing if you haven't ever been to a place that encounters God in such a way, and been there with an open mind (unlike me when I was 15, completely closed), then perhaps it's not time to make judgments about what is happening there, but to simply say, "I don't know... but I know my friend, and he still loves and follows Jesus and nothing has changed in that court." Is the frustration a fear of what one doesn't understand? A fear of being Scripturally off base? I might say to the scriptures... All of the Bible is in God but all of God is definitely NOT in the Bible. Otherwise we have limited Him to a finite book. Perhaps there is more and it's not necessarily whether something is IN the Bible, but rather if it goes against the Bible that may be the issue...

In the end, the manifestations don't matter that much. It's just how some of our bodies respond to the spiritual. Some of our bodies don't feel a thing. Both are fine. Both can co-exist in the same church. The important thing is relationship with Jesus Christ. A life indwelt and filled by Holy Spirit. In the major things we hold to the truth (Salvation, Deity of Christ, etc.) in the minor things we hold to love. In the minor things, the church has re-invented itself so often, do we stop loving each other because of something we don't understand or agree with. Neither of which effect the issue of one's saved soul?

So those are my thoughts today on the issue of the great Shake, Rattle, and Roll. I appreciate being at this church which pastor's such craziness quite well. A controlled chaos you might say.

I love you all. If you have questions or comments, feel free.

My baby toe...

2009-12-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

I hurt my baby toe tonight, really bad. It bled a lot and so forth. I don't know why I'm writing about this, but I'm bored and lots of people are over and I can't concentrate on highly spiritual things so that's about it for now....

Good News and Great Conversations

2009-12-02T02:15:00.000-08:00

You ever just have a day where it feels like it's your birthday.

Today was one of those.
So my American Express card sent me a $10 off coupon to Kohl's on any purchase of $10 or more. So basically free. So I got an article of clothing I'd been wanting for the gym. Sweet!
Then I come home and have two packages waiting for me. One from England with a wicked awesome Christmas card and some of my favorite British candy. And the other package had Microsoft Office and OS X Snow Leopard for my Mac. Cheee..
Then this morning on the phone I found out that I have a job available to me on Maui for the holidays if I want to go home. The only worry is flight costs?
So I come home and find a flight roundtrip for roughly 250 bucks. Which is preposterous for Christmas prices. (A flight from Redding roundtrip to Maui would be 2 thousand dollars)...

So, I've had a day full of delightful gifts... Yay God!

Then to top it off, I had a great conversation with a good friend on Maui as well.

It's in moment's of joy that you realize the things you value most. People. God. Nature. Beauty. Love.
Wow, I'm turning into a Bohemian. ha ha ha

The job on Maui and the flight are truly a life saver as I feel that my financial condition may very well have collapsed without it.
So, my thankfulness for those who offered me the work, and to God for favor and His blessing is without measure right now for sure.

I will need a place to stay and perhaps a car as well while there if anyone hears of any opportunities to crash someone's pad or rent/borrow a car please let me know...

As I sit here, alone at 2:23 am with my household all in bed I can't help but think about God's grace. Being alone, in the past has been nothing but difficult for me. Whether the enemy coming in to steal my time or destroy my heart with false thinking, or just "feeling" alone... I now sit here with a glorious sense of God's peace and rest in my life. It's a felt grace. Grace, Biblically defined as the operational power of God "for something".... I sense His grace for me to be at peace in the moment, and to have victory in "areas of stolen time" that the enemy so often has distracted/distorted in my life.

May this grace turn into breakthrough for me and all my brother's and sister's in Christ that we may redeem the time in our lives and live life truly to its fullest.

Refreshments

2009-11-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

I went to early service at Bethel this morning. It was the first weekend service I've attended in 3 weeks. It was so refreshing to simply worship the Lord in a congregation of people. To just dwell in His presence in that room was such a relief if anything.

You know when you get busy and find yourself not talking to God as much. You still listen to worship/Christian music, you still pray here and there, you still go to church. But other than that, there's not much relationship there. That's what this past week has kinda felt like to me. Doing routine without relationship is a killer to the soul and the relationship. If God is the closest person I have in my life, I ought to be spending lots of time with him, scheduled and unscheduled. Not out of duty or obligation, but simply because I love Him and want to know Him more. I look forward to my continuing journey into the depths of a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Just this morning I was thinking how much i wish I could go on the fast track in deep relationship with Jesus. So that when I minister I can clearly hear his voice of guidance on how to pray for others, etc. Then Holy Spirit reminded me that relationships take time. You don't "immediately" know someone after hanging out with them for an hour over coffee. You get to know them over a lifetime. Kind of one of those "duh" moments for me. So back to cultivating a deep covenant relationship with Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Oh I do so desire to hear His voice so clearly and sense His initiation of relationship.
I learned an interesting lesson on Sonship a few weeks back. Gabe taught our class how in many ways the responsibility of relationship is on the son, not the father. For instance: When Gabe gets home from work, his kids run to him. He doesn't have to run to them. They love him and long to see him. Much the same, I ought to be running to my Father. Embracing Him, longing to see Him. The best thing is He doesn't have to go away for work, He is always near.
Thank you Lord.

Something interesting has been happening to me this semester at school. A lot of time when we pray for people in the prayer lines, we will rely on the guidance of Holy Spirit (prophetically or just His voice showing us what needs to be done for healing/ministry to the person). I haven't had much of that at all this semester. In some ways I have felt completely devoid of any emotion or thought while praying for people. In many ways, if the person is healed, I almost wonder, "Wow! For real?" It's almost comical. But here's the weird part. About half the people I've prayed for have gotten a rhema word from Holy Spirit on what "I" need to do to heal them in that instance, or have gotten a prophetic word for their own life. Usually that comes to the prayer not the prayee. heh. But not only that, I was in a room with some other students the other day and I sensed the spirit of prophecy enter the room. I mentioned it and they all thought I should prophesy over them, but I suggested they do it, cuz I wasn't really feeling it at the moment. One of them begins to prophesy and release words of knowledge about and for my life that absolutely blew me away. Names of people, places, desires, etc. in my heart from my past and for my future. I've never been prophesied over by anyone in so much detail. When I asked the student about it, he was just as shocked saying he has never been hugely used in the prophetic yet.
So my question is, is there a gift that releases the prophetic voice of God into "others"? ??? Cuz I'm not hearing anything, and the prayee's are hearing a lot.
While a bit disconcerting, I do find it humbling as well. It kind of keeps things in perspective and reminds me that God can do anything He wants to do. He is so good, and so powerful and can minister in any way he pleases. It has certainly be humbling. I am thankful that God works in a multiplicity of ways.

That's it for now. I am feeling refreshed. I am thankful for all He has done. I love you and wish you the best...
Look me up on twitter if you have it. My username is: jlangtwit

Thanksgiving and Agitations

2009-11-27T23:27:00.000-08:00

I've been having a very interesting week.

I have noticed a heightened level of agitation lately coming from me. I am easily angered, frustrated, annoyed, bothered. I don't know what's up. I need to sit down with God and figure it out.

I've been working lots this week. My guess is I'm going to surpass 30 hours this week. I'm excited about that prospect.

Thanksgiving was fantastic. Some of our friends from school came over and their family came up too and made an AMAZING Thanksgiving meal. It's was truly great. I am paying for overeating and the unusual diversity of food I ate. It's been a bit of a rough day, heh.

Black Friday was amazing. I worked at American Eagle from 6am til 4:15pm. A good long day with a touch of overtime to top it off. We were so busy, but it was fun I must admit. I like being challenged and I like working on the cash register. I feel like it's my best way of contributing well at AEO.

So, here comes a weekend and then back to school. A chance to catch up on homework and re-center my life a bit. I've been quite a bit out of focus and that hasn't been good at all.

I'm thankful for grace, and looking forward to sharing the victories more and more....

Gosh, I should tell you all about the amazing breakthroughs I've seen lately.
While in Manteca, CA a few weeks ago, I got to pray for a bunch of people and every single one of them got healed instantly. One girl had deformed wrists that caused her a lot of pain. The pain totally went away, I'm not sure if the bones corrected or not, you couldn't tell from the outside. Other wrists, back/body pain and such all went away. It was awesome.

I got to see God move in ways that required boldness on my part and significantly increased my ability to minister on the spot, which is something I've struggled with before.

So on to a new week. Holding on to His promises, and laying aside every weight which so easily ensnares me...

Thanksgiving Break!

2009-11-22T21:43:00.001-08:00

I'm in Redding for the Turkey Break. I've got 4 work days and 3 free days.
My plans include:
decorating for Christmas.
Having Thanksgiving Dinner here at the house with the Law family among others as well.
And then doing lots and lots of homework. Yay! (can you feel the excitement?)

I didn't go to church at all this weekend. Perhaps I was in a need of a bit of a sabbatical from being there pretty much every day. heh. Today was a great day, I slept in, had lunch with a friend and saw a movie. Then shopped a bit. Decorated a wee bit and listened to Christmas music.

I didn't really have much to say in the profound realm of things. But I just wanted to update you all.

I will be going on a missions trip to England in March. If you'd be interested in supporting me on this trip. I'd of course love your prayers, but if you feel so inclined to support me financially as well you can follow this link to make a tax deductible donation into my missions account.

https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=204838

Thank you so much for the consideration. I love you all and more to come soon.

Burdens?

2009-11-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

Speaking with my ever so wise roommate who has been experiencing God in amazing new ways. Many people seem to be under some heavy burden's lately. Not burden's of their own doing necessarily but in general being attacked, oppressed, pushed down, etc. etc.

I am under one, probably a mix of my own doing and the enemy's doing.
I am tired. I realize there is always a battle, but so often I feel like two people. One desires more of God and wants to fight. The other wants to relax and would seemingly rather the world.

So crazy. I know which one is better, which one feels better, which one simply makes life work and more happy, but so often I choose to entertain the loser one. Why? I honestly do not know. I don't even know why it seems like I'm two people.

Perhaps I need some counseling, or another SOZO. hehehe.
I am due for a check up.

so these are some slightly depressing musings on life lately.

One word passing around these days is: HOPE. That's what people under burden's need. My roommate was sharing that he believes a big outpouring is going to happen soon and the enemy is doing what he can to damper our hopes.

I'm certainly down for that!

I'm excited about what's happening at IHOP also. Check out their website for more information or to watch.

That's it for now.

Oh My Controversialness

2009-11-14T05:13:00.000-08:00

I love making up words.

I have noticed lately that often when I post a quote or a thought based on things I'm learning or experiencing, I get a lot of "questions" or "accusational statements". Hee hee
I am a controversial person apparently.

I remember the day I chose to "go" to BSSM. I remember thinking, so much for the easy Christian life, one without other Christians accusing you of being weird, false or heretical (without necessarily using those words), one without taking any real risks with people (evangelism, healing, prophecy, and other faith oriented things).

Ironically, I haven't shared a lot of things I'm learning and experiencing. ha ha ha... If I did, I might get disowned perhaps by some friends. I dunno.
What I do know is no one can judge someone's experience without being a fool (because who can argue with encounters or experiences?). And as far as doctrine goes? Well, I understand people's disagreements with varied doctrine, I used to disagree with some of the stuff I now believe, just a matter of a couple years ago.

One thing I've discovered though, if you search the matter out with God, and study the Biblical connotation/context for the "supposedly controversial" doctrine, you might, you just might find that it may be true and perhaps what you once thought was real, was just a small piece of the pie.
All I know, God is way bigger than we can imagine. At my school, that's one of our guiding values. Dream with God, realize He is NOT IN A BOX! If we limit what He says to our personal experience, we will limit our potential. Jesus said "all things are possible" (aka: there are no limits). So why not walk on water? Peter set the precedent for doing it. (I know of someone who did it just a few weeks ago...) So why not translate (teleport) like Philip, Enoch and a few others did? (I have heard firsthand testimonies that would blow your mind). Why not heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons? (I see that almost every single day and it is WONDROUS!).

Is my focus, the supernatural? Nope. My focus is Jesus. I love Him so much, and He wants us to do supernatural things because we represent and supernatural and invisible Kingdom. If we are ambassadors of the Kingdom of God shouldn't we live our lives from the perspective of the kingdom and not of the earth. Doesn't the Bible say: "We are not of this world, We are simply in it." ?

We all say we wanna be like Jesus. The very word: Christian means "Little Christ, or Christ like". So... if we are like Christ, should we not be living our lives like Him?
What does that look like?
It looks like a life of righteousness and holiness
A life of obedience to the Father
A life of relationship with God and man that is intimate and fearless
A life of power (moving in signs and wonders and miracles)
A life of grace
A life of LOVE.

Yah, that's the preferred norm of the christian life.
Will you join me in reshaping this world? So that, "the kingdoms of this world will become the kingdom of our God and Lord in Jesus Christ."

Good news! I'm going back to England in the spring!!!
Bad news! I'm broke!!!
Great News! You can support me in two ways, Financially and through prayer. Are you broke too? Pray for God's supernatural provision for my trip and for greatness to happen during the trip and safety and all the other normal stuff.
Are you interested in partnering with me to see Jesus get His full reward through my ministry in the UK?
click or copy/paste this link and it'll take you directly to my missions donation page...

https://www.ibssm.org/?action=donate&target=missions&student_id=204838

I love you all so much.

It's Fall

2009-10-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

Color on the trees. A beautiful bike ride on the Sacramento River Trail amidst leaves gently falling from the trees and a slight briskness to the air under overcast skies.
It was a nice day. I worked for 7 hours of it, but enjoyed the morning.

Jesus is drawing me to deeper places with Him. He wants to find me in the secret place. He wants me to draw into deep intimate places with Him. To know Him as I am known.
I need this in my life so much.
Fall tends to always bring about a level of sentimentality to my heart. Whereas spring and summer tend to be the times where life springs up and thrives, fall is where that life starts to die and go to winter. The sentimentality is that which says: Did I waste the days when life was vibrant and abundant?

I have found that I can be a very sentimental person. With that comes regrets. I usually feel sentimental about good times in my life, and if there was a wasted time, it's regret I feel. There have been some of both in the past year.
I wish to live my life with no regrets. Where I can look back on the great days, and look forward to greater ones.
I think of Solomon's comment in Ecclesiastes, "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them.""
I don't plan on ever having years approach in that manner, for with Christ I live the life abundant.

What this is looking like for me is something quite surprising. I always veered away from a lifestyle like what am about to describe because it felt "insincere".
At school they are pressing us to live with vision. To develop mission statements, goals, vision, objectives, etc. To have core values that we base our lives off of. So as not to live life without purpose or intentionality.
This applies to every area of life. How we raise our kids, how we organize our day, how we spend time with people and the Lord, how we do work, etc.
It sounds so structured, and I don't like it, but I need it.

If there is one "negative" thing that defines my life these past 10 years is a serious "Lack of intentionality". I have sorta drifted a bit. The good thing is that good things have come out of my life in the midst of that bit of drifting.
The better thing is I'm in a culture that is good for growing into the man I need to be. They've created a safe place to try stuff out. To take risks and learn from mistakes. It's great. This works on the plane of the supernatural and the plane of organizing your natural life.

I'm so thankful for BSSM. For their dedication to raising up world leaders and preparing them for success outside the "Bethel Bubble".

More to come...

Creativity

2009-10-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I read someone else's blog today and was blown away by their creativity in words. I WANT THAT!
So next time I post, I plan to be creative.

But tonight, I'm in a rush. Just a note. School is so good. so good. so so good.

The Chavda's were here at Bethel this week participating in the Open Heaven's Conference. They also spoke to our class. Our two classes (1st & 2nd year) had to be split up because we're too big, so I was assigned to Thursday (when Bonnie Chavda spoke). Which was so great because I grew up knowing them. Their son Ben was my best friend, and I know Bonnie. It was SO GOOD to see her. We didn't have much time, but the little bit of catching up was great. I hope to reestablish my connection with Ben if I can figure out how. He doesn't seem to be online much.

Tonight is Saturday. Tomorrow is Sunday. I am eager for some time with God... :-)

Jeremy

blogalicious

2009-10-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

I've been under the weather a bit for the past week. It's been annoying, my nose running constantly and coughing way too much. ugh...
It's kinda funny cuz we're all in a school of supernatural ministry, and we see healing all the time, but probably 30-40% of us are sick right now. ha ha ha
I guess we still need to find the cure for the common cold spiritually just like the medicine world does. ha ha ha. jk. Jesus has it, I just gotta find it... heh..
whatevs.. that's probably not doctrinally correct right now, but I am just joking around and kinda too sick to care.

Things have been great otherwise. Just living life with joy and peace and enjoying the Lord. He is so so so so good. I really love Him.

Please pray for me as I have many decisions to make these next few weeks about missions trips, travel trips, and life in general.
Things are going well for me. I've been getting a decent amount of hours at work, which is such a blessing. School is great. I'm enjoying my relationships and the Lord is doing great things. I long for more Jesus, knowing Him as I am known. Real intimacy. It's great to actually feel hungry again.

I'm still computerless. The repairs to my laptop are going to be tough. I'm trying to find a cheap option, but it so expensive...

Jeremy

sitting next to Chad...

2009-10-05T00:27:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting next to Chad Stauffer right now. He wanted me to write a blog about him right now, so I am...
Chad is a rad guy. He's in my small group, he was a first year two years ago, and he's a very loving individual.
I would have to say he's characterized by love.
Ok, that's all I have to say. I've only known the guy for a month. hrmph...

Anyway, so tonight about 4 guys from an organization called Boarders for Christ. (a Christian skateboarding organization), and yeah. I didn't finish that sentence properly, but they're staying at our home tonight... and maybe the next night. But it's sweet. Great guys, who really love the Lord, and do some awesome things in the skating sphere...

That's all I have to say for now. shoots.

Retreats and such...

2009-10-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Well, this week we had our annual BSSM retreat. It's actually split in 4 because there are so stinkin' many of us students. ha ha.

I got to go to the JH Ranch up near Etna, CA. (way north in the mountains). It was cooolllddd!!! But it is so beautiful up there. So beautiful.
I discovered an amazing game that is quite addicting while up there. It's called Ultimate Ninja. It's so fun, and it makes you kinda feel like a ninja too.
I'm definitely going to introduce it to my youth kids this year... :-)

2nd year has been so great. It is filled with a lot of relationship building time and lots of opportunities to grow. They do lots of leadership training too. Preparing us for a life well lived.
I'm super excited. This is such a great place to grow into the man I'm meant to be.

Well, I got company over, so I'm gonna head out.... shoots.

Woes and Troubles

2009-09-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

My troubles are light and momentary in comparison with the troubles of others. Let me say that as a disclaimer. If anything, I simply comment on this as a funny commentary on my life as of late.

This past week has been riddled with multiple "breakings".

It is clear to me now that I got ripped off with the car purchase I made. The guy wanted to get rid of it, and he sure did. I've had to do quite a bit of work on it, and he lied to me more or less. This is the second time I've ended up with a bum deal auto wise, but the first time I've gotten ripped off. Last time it was just ignorance on the seller's part.
I am learning to hear the voice of God in this process, and have now learned what it is to hear his voice, especially in big "purchase" decisions. While I regret the decision because it hurts me financially in a great way, especially considering I am already hurting financially in a great way, I feel I've learned a lot about His voice.

My laptop was destroyed the other day as well. The 2nd breaking. My roommate was playing his djembe (a hand drum) and knocked it over onto my laptop, crushing the screen. The laptop seems to be in tact, however the screen is cracked and broken. While my roommate offered to pay for it, the lack of access is quite an inconvenience, since much of my life is centered online. (espcially with bill paying and school work). I also am bummed for my roommate as it won't be cheap to repair my laptop. :-(

Then, the funniest part. Last night I fell through my bed. The wooden slats holding my mattress up literally split in two and I went falling through. Ha ha ha. It was pretty funny but as I carried my blankets and pillows out into the living room it become a poignant moment of reflection and a bit emotional as I was reminded of how frail we are as people and how broken life can seem sometime. I felt vulnerable for a moment and it kinda hurt.

While these troubles are all material in nature, and really have no major effect on my walk with God except perhaps a measure of stress (financially) and inconvenience, they still matter and if anything are something that reminds me of the joy that was set before Christ as He suffered in monumentally greater ways than I ever have.

So here's to those who struggle with major troubles every day. May the God of peace rest in your hearts, your minds, as He holds you up when you feel like fainting. And "May He keep you in perfect peace, when your eyes are stayed on Him, because you trust Him." - Isaiah 26:3.

I might not be able to update this blog as much for a couple weeks until my laptop is repaired. I wish I could. I'm learning a lot and being blessed immeasurably by His grace, His beauty, His love, and His wisdom.

Additionally, you can see what I'm learning in small bite-size measures on Twitter. You can follow my "Tweets" by looking me up. My username is: jlangtwit

Today we learned about all the missions trips being made available to us this upcoming March. 58 choices in all, located in 30 different nations. How awesome is that. My heart is in England where I was last year, but I'm sensing that God's heart for me may be to Chile' with Eric Johnson. I don't know why, but my heart leaped at that option...
What does this do for my England connection? I feel inclined to find a way back there somehow. Perhaps I will have to travel alone and make a visit to my family over there...

We'll see. I still need to talk with Jesus more about it...

Love you all. I'll try to borrow laptops from my roommates and get on here more... We'll see...

Out in the World

2009-09-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

What a life I've missed! So many years I've looked through the window blinds in my home to an outside world foreign to me. A place with so many uncertainties. I don't know when fear first took its seed in my life, but it sure grew fast.
So much of my life has been spent behind the window shades so-to-speak. Looking out on a world, living, breathing, active, and ripe for the taking. But fear kept me inside, in my own shell, in my own home, in my own world.
What opportunities have I missed? What joys have I lost? Who knows.

But there is never a too late in life. I turned 30 this year. CRAZY! But if I remember correctly, that's when Jesus began His ministry life. Perhaps this is that year for me?
I still face fear daily. It appears in different forms and I definitely am not encumbered by fear as I was for years. God has been gracious and kind to me, and REALLY patient. heh.

As I sit out here by Starbucks in Discovery Village I think of all the beautiful people God created. This beautiful world He made for His glory and for us to enjoy. The weather, while hot, has been beautiful here in Redding. I hope to get out on my bicycle and ride down the River trail a bunch. To get out and enjoy God's beautiful creation.
But not only that, to enjoy His people. To engage in relationship and vulnerably offer myself to this world full of people who need the love of God so much. Is there danger in that? Sure. You never know what can happen, no more than you can tell if you're gonna be in a car accident. But to live life in fear, without love, without hope, without joy. What's the point?
Life it to the fullest, that's why Jesus came. So I'm gonna do it, as best I know how.

But not only that, but to experience God in deeper ways too. To risk obedience at all costs, to risk intimacy by being vulnerable, available and trusting. To put myself out there before an invisibly Savior who seems to play hard to get from time to time.

I love you all and will keep you posted on this glorious year of my life. The dawning of my 4th decade...

musings

2009-09-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at church Bill Johnson was really emphasizing his passion for evangelism. He is really pushing for gatherers for the great harvest to come. (Lots of prophetic words are passing around about a billion soul harvest)...I suspect this year will be a huge year for all of us students in gathering in the lost to their destiny in Jesus. I'm so excited to be here at Bethel this year. It's kind of nerve-racking in the sense of where I am financially and so forth, but I really don't feel all that frightened about it. I know that God is good, and He provides for my needs. His eye is on the sparrow and it is on me.This year is gonna be so great. Much growth in leadership, personal strategies for growth, development of vision and direction for my life, etc.
My hopes in my relationship with God this year include one primary goal: INTIMACY.

Intimacy is so key and central to who we are.

Oh by the way. Here's some pics of my house...

That's a few pics that my roommate Daniel M. Fishter took one day.

He's a pretty good photographer if you need one for something.

Anyway... I find myself at a loss of what to say lately. I have been quite invested this year so far in people, school, and responsibilities. I feel busy, but that's good. It's keeping my mind off of distractions and such. I find myself desiring God more and desiring relationship. There are many challenges facing me this year. Leadership challenges among others.

It's quite funny. I've been a leader in so many different places and ways, but at Bethel I feel so inadequate so often. In this environment you truly discover how much of a relationship with God you really have. Faith, hearing His voice, and risk are so central to life here. All things I have much growth still to come.

I love you all and be blessed in Jesus name.

A BRAND NEW CARRRRR!!!

2009-09-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Hi folks,

Well, it's not brand new, but it is to me. I got a 1998 Saturn SC2 today. It's got 115000 miles. Not too shabby. I pray it will do me well.

It was a decent price for sure...

I had a bad experience last time I bought a car and am concerned about this simply because of that. But I will not worry. :-)

No need for worries at all...

I'd like to send a shout out to my Uncle Bryan who turned 80 today!!! woohoo!!!

My mom's birthday is the 21st as well!!!!

Happy Birthday you two!

School has been going well. 1st year kicked off yesterday. I hear they are quite crowded in that building. We are in a completely different building so we don't get to interact with them much. Kinda sad.

I'm still trying to get myself posting thoughts and views on here. I've been kind of a slacker in that department. I am finding myself spending way more time on the one on one with God these days, and it tends to be a bit more private, personal, and nothing much to say, cuz it's just time spent.

It's nice doing that. Being intimate and spending time with Jesus. I am hoping to discover greater depths in relationship with God, because that's what it is all about. Hearing His voice. Knowing His voice, following my shepherd. "My sheep know My voice."

Very inclined toward deeper places with God. And living my life more aware everyday of the Fathering and Family of God. To see life through that lense.

Love you all.

not much to say

2009-09-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say right now.

I'm looking for a car, but totally content and at peace not having one, sorta. In the sense of not feeling overwhelmed by the urgency of the need to get one right away and potentially make a terrible choice...

(like last year) ha ha ha.

So I'm waiting on the Lord.

I finally found a fridge for our home though. I'm stoked. It was kinda funny cuz the lady needed a couple days to clean it up though. I figured it would've been ready for us... heh.

The first week of school was great! This year is going to be quite challenging and will require a great deal of my heart and lots of risk. I'm blessed, so blessed. Fear is being replaced with Love and Joy!

Glory! Love you guys!

Revival Group/Small Group Party

2009-09-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

Today was kind of a fun day, where we had a revival group party. In that party I got to meet a bunch of new people and we met our small groups. I'll be a leader of my small group. It's funny. I've led many small groups but for some reason I feel somewhat intimidated here at Bethel. Things are so "powerful" and faith based, etc. here that sometimes I feel like I'm a newbie.

It's like being a baby Christian all over. ahahahaha...

It's good for me though. Causing me to confront feelings of inadequacy and fear and so forth. I can already tell this is going to be quite the growing year.... Quite the growing year...

Redding... So far.

2009-09-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

I'm back! Back in Redding, back at Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry.

The transition this time has been fun. It's great coming back to 2nd year. Seeing old friends and having lots of fun. A newfound sense of authority comes with 2nd year too. A chance to be servant ministers to 1st years and the church automatically.

The church is more packed than ever. Our class is actually located in a completely separate building about 5 minutes down the road. They couldn't fit our 2nd year class on the same campus as 1st year this year. Too many of us. The school has nearly doubled every year in attendance since its inception

Needless to say the poor church is loaded down with more people than they can handle it seems at times.

Oh the day they get the new building built w/ the parking garage will be truly transformational around here. ha ha ha.

Anyway, my life is great! Our new home is amazing. I'll put pics up of it soon. my roommate took some nice photos.

We've been letting a lot of people stay over there until their housing situations get worked out.

School started yesterday. It almost feels like a new school being in a new building and all. But same teachers and same students, so ultimately it's starting to feel like home again.

I really like the 2nd year leadership. They are an amazing group of people.

Been learning some awesome things from Bill, Kris, and Beni these past two days.

Kris has been talking a lot about government and such. What the government of God looks like in the church and so forth. It's really interesting and provocative as Kris' teachings usually are.

Bethel Church, it turns out, is celebrating it's 50th Jubilee (birthday) this year. Maybe all our debts will be paid off. hee hee... I'm actually thinking about asking my credit card lenders if they'd like to forgive my debts. ha ha. I wonder if people ever do that?

Anyway... My only real frustration (well rising frustration) is trying to get a car. It's not a huge deal to me actually because I know the Lord has got things in His hands. Instead of impulsively buying, for once I'm actually waiting for the right thing. I am proud of myself for doing that.

Check out my Twitter account at jlangtwit for up to the minute updates and thoughts from school...

1st year starts next Tuesday. I look forward to receiving the students and pouring into them.

It's so good to be back. It was a bit of a rough summer spiritually. I had my ups and my downs. Since being back it's like I've been renewed so much. The environment here is so stimulating. A place of encouragement (constant encouragement), and love. Everyone builds each other up so well. It truly is a fruitful and Biblically significant place... I'm so thankful I found this church body to drive me toward a deeper, more passionate relationship with God, and a deeper love for His children.

I love you all. Will be back with another update soon...

Pray for me. I'm a bit behind on homework... eek!!!

twitterama

2009-09-08T23:34:00.001-07:00

Hey folks,

Well I'm still getting going with school.

We had registration and Day One today. it was great being back. Feels almost like a new school because we are in a new building.

I don't have much time right now, but will update soon on a regular basis.

If you Twitter, I have a Twitter account. I'll be posting consistent status updates with thoughts on what I'm learning, cool quotes, and more.

My Twitter id is: jlangtwit

Look me up!

Jeremy

Quick Status Update

2009-09-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

I'm in Redding. Our house is amazing. It's great to be back. I don't have internet access until next week, so the updates will be few and far between.

I'm at Bethel using their internet right now....

I'll be updating this regularly once the school year kicks off....

Love you all!!!

Moving back to Redding soon

2009-08-25T01:19:00.001-07:00

Hey folks,

Well, the summer doldrums of not blogging much should be ending soon.

I'm moving back to Redding Monday Aug. 31st....

I'm excited but sad to leave Maui again...

I covet your thoughts and prayers for me as this new year begins at school. Here are a couple things I could specifically use prayer for.

1. finances (I'm still in financial debt, and could use a good 2nd job to help me get thru the year)

2. discipline (I'm hoping for greater levels of focus and discipline in living from my core values and living an intentional lifestyle)

3. love, love, love (I just want to fall more and more in love with Jesus and grasp that same love)

Thanks, Love you all.

time management

2009-08-05T04:11:00.000-07:00

Hahahaha.

I titled this time management, because I'm terrible at it. Hence why I haven't updated this blog in a couple weeks.

I've been wanting to do a video blog post now that I have my own computer w/ camera/mic built in. I will probably get around to it in a couple weeks hopefully.

So how are things going?

Well... Summer is going by fast. My hopes of getting out of debt in one summer have been vanquished, but at least I've been able to pay down perhaps close to half of my credit card debts. I'm considering a loan for the new school year to pay off afterward. Oh if it were an accredited school. :-)

I have to read a huge book this summer, and am definitely behind in that. 400 pages to go. My mom comes in tomorrow and she likes to sun bathe and relax by the pool and all that jazz, so I should get some good reading time in when I relax with her. :-)

Ultimately, I need to get over my newfound adoration for my new computer and spend some time reading.

Spiritually this summer has been a battle for sure. I've had my ups and downs. Made some good inroads, and have had some pitfalls as well. God is faithful, and I'm very excited at the status of our relationship and my ability to understand His love/affection toward me in a more real and objective way than before. Before I had a tainted view of His love, often one that was conditional. My year at Bethel really helped me grasp His Agape love. And boy is that both comforting and empowering..

Love you all....

Gifts and goodies...

2009-07-27T02:05:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

I have been so crazy busy lately. I've had a few interesting experiences the past week or so since my birthday. One thing, my parentals talked story and decided to go in on purchasing me a laptop computer for school and life etc. I'm super thankful, as that will help me with homework and stuff like this. It's hard sometimes getting to a computer and such.

COOL TESTIMONY:

Last Tuesday I went to PSM's evening class and a lady was there receiving prayer. She had a bummed knee and sharp pains in her knee. I got to pray for her knee a couple times and the third time her knee was healed. She cried and it was so great getting used in such a cool way. Thank you Jesus.

I'm getting ready to head back to school.

This year I have opportunities to travel with the speakers and such around the nation and the world on their ministry teams. But this costs additional money. If you are interested in supporting me in this through prayer or donation I'd love that. The sky is the limit on donations as I would be able to go on different trips. Additionally the donations if unused can be transferred over to my missions trip in the spring with the school. If you'd like to donate directly to my tuition/trip fund you can send it to:

Bethel Church

attn: Stephanie Larson

933 College View Dr.

Redding, CA 96003

Attach a note saying who the money is going toward and say it is for my 2nd year tuition. I can transfer to appropriate trips and stuff from there...

Thanks a lot and lots of love...

Jeremy

TODAY

2009-07-15T03:22:00.001-07:00

At approximately 11:59pm New Jersey (eastern time zone) time...
I will be 30 years old.
Which in Hawaii time would be 5:59pm

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

On Big Parties!

2009-07-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

Wow!
I had my birthday party today. It was pretty huge. Lots of people came and the house was ULTRA-CROWDED! We had fun, played games, and hung out for awhile. The bulk of the crowd stayed for about 2 hours and then about 20 or so people stayed till 11 or midnight...
It was nice having a party, but I definitely didn't get to exchange more than 10 words with any specific person for the most part at all tonight. That was a super big bummer, as there were some people I don't get to see often and who traveled far...

But of course, with big parties, you do feel quite loved when a lot of people show up...
We played a fun game, and everyone seemed to enjoy that a lot... Good fun

All together it was great to see everyone, albeit not getting to hang out much. I've been working a lot on Friday nights and haven't had the chance to visit much with my friends and acquaintances. I wish I could and hope to have more opportunities.
But I always have to remind myself, my primary goal this summer is to make money, money, money so I can afford to live and attend school next year....

I love you all and thank you to all of you who wished me a happy birthday. The big 30...

Jeremy

On Turning 30!

2009-07-10T04:16:00.000-07:00

WHAT HAPPENED!

How'd I get old so fast. Wow.

The years have surely gone by fast. But at the same time it feels like it's been 10 years since I was 20. 10 years ago I was a junior in college. Attending Asbury College in Wilmore, KY. It was one of the best years of my life as I recall. I had had an unforgettable summer in Boca Raton, FL interning with a church youth group. The best summer of my life to this date. The Lord broke something in me that helped me come out of my shell. I had always inclined myself toward shyness and quietness around others unless I was very comfortable around the group of people I was with.
That summer I found a lot of freedom and the following two years at Asbury saw me making lots of friends and having lots of loud fun.

The Jeremy everyone knows today (positive wise) ah ha ha, is because of what happened to me a decade ago next month.
I guess a lot of things happen to make us who we are. But in the outgoing, loud, and fun loving sense of things. I found that in me a decade ago.

10 years I've been all over. From college I went to South Africa and then moved to Maui to intern at a church. From there I worked at a hotel getting out of debt for a few years and then going on a 2 1/2 month road trip across the entire mainland USA to all 48 continental states, and Ontario, Canada too. Then I came back having accepted a full time position at Hope Chapel in Kihei. I worked there nearly two years only to find a slight surprise in my life with a place called Bethel Church. I went off to school there last fall and now am contemplating my future once again. Where is the Lord taking me? What does He have planned? Hmmmm....

There are quite a few people that have meant a lot to me this past decade. Who, in some way have taught me something deep about life, helped me find freedom in my own life, or led me to a closer place in God. Many people have been a part of my life in such a way, and sorry if I forget some of you. But here are some people I'd like to thank that initially come to the top of my mind...

Mom and Dad, of course...
Kit
Jamie Mac
Craig Englert
Toni & Jason Spence
Kyle
Chris
Nick
Carlos
Dan
Eryck
Ben
Heidi
Jessica Floyd
John John & Jen Jen ;-)

You all have helped me move toward the man that I am and that I am becoming. You've inspired me, lifted me up, and been the present voice of God in my life at important times.

Wow, I feel like I just did the Academy Award speech. Now I feel bad if I left people out. Ha Ha! But you all are special to me...

Anyway... Those are a couple thoughts. I don't turn 30 til next Wednesday, so I might drop another line or two in here from time to time.

Living for the Next Generation

2009-07-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog is really the key to my comments here...
"Living for the Next Generation". I feel that we have forgotten about the importance of such an intentional lifestyle.
From the government on down to parenting.

In the government, we have spent so lavishly, taxed so greatly, and now are handing an additional 3.7 trillion dollars in one year of debt to an already near 10 trillion dollar deficit. All this will be placed on the shoulders of a generation not even born yet, and will enslave them...

In parenting, are we intentional about our parenting? Or do we get impatient and snap at our kids, etc. etc. etc. I am not a dad yet, and know for sure I have my faults, but when I see parents acting like siblings instead of parents around their kids, whether it's getting annoyed by them, or what not, it really convicts me to begin living the intentional lifestyle TODAY.

Wow, I've got a lot of growing up to do. I've chosen to be a kid for a good while now into my adulthood. Part of it, I feel because I had a lost childhood, with depression, moving a lot, and so forth, I often found myself longing for those years, and still have that temptation in my mind. So that placed me in a kid mode for awhile as a young adult.... Now I'm in that for sure transition into adulthood, looking forward to having a wife and kids. Wanting to find my calling and pursue it.

It's amazing how much resistance I'm getting both within myself, and possibly from the enemy in my pursuit of such things. Living the intentional lifestyle is so difficult sometimes. Moving from an undisciplined place in my life to establishing a full measure of disciplined and responsible mature living is quite a transition and there is a lot of letting go and a lot of replacing that has to happen.

I feel that as I choose adulthood, as I choose intentional living, living for the next generation, I will find myself being a much more formidable threat to the enemy and as a result he's giving me some resistance in this.

I've written 13 core values down for my life. Living by them has been quite a challenge. A really practical/physical one is in regard to "health". I was fortunately brought into a household this summer that has a roommate who wants to do the same, so that added accountability is keeping me running 3 - 4 x a week, potentially more. I still need to eat more healthy and perhaps "less". But overall, living a more healthy lifestyle is a good practical example of my battle to live by my core values. It's been a "drag" sometimes, as in dragging myself into my running shoes, stretching, and facing the pain of running (tiredness, aches, foot pain, etc.). Eating healthy has been even more difficult, often finding myself overeating, because my stomach isn't "fully-full". Just a bad habit I formed as a kid, as I had a high metabolism and could eat anything. That apparently is wearing off. So much like the physical core value of health. I find the same challenges in areas of "honor", "love", "purity", and so on and so forth...

My mindset says: "I am doing this for the generation after me. For those I know, and those who may be my kids. They will see my intentional lifestyle and how it blesses and benefits them, and as I have that breakthrough, it will be theirs by inheritance, and will therefore be way easier for them to achieve."

So I'm trying to keep that at the forefront of my thinking, and yes I'm having a good amount of failures, but I keep pressing on...
Will you join me in prayer for greater levels of breakthrough in my life in my core values, that I might honor God and others through my life?
Perhaps you might want to do the same thing for your life, let me know I'd be happy to give you any advice you may want.

Love you all...

Social Justice

2009-07-07T03:00:00.001-07:00

God has been stirring my heart lately in regard to the issue of social justice. All the wrong going on in this world has an answer.
I feel the church needs to sit down and strategically pray and move to curb the injustices occurring around the globe and in our own country.
We need to wake up. I am glad so many young people are passionate about social justice issues, but there is so much more to do.
I'm kinda frustrated at times when churches talk about tithing and putting that extra donation in for landscaping or for some beautification project or something like that. I understand the need for a nice atmosphere etc to fellowship in, but lets put our money where Jesus' mouth was. For the poor and the needy...

I feel so often that we live in our own bubbles here in the USA and purposely forget about what's outside.

But most importantly, we mustn't approach injustice from a heart that "feels bad" but rather out of the relationship with God that spurns us toward loving God and loving His people and His creation. If we don't do stuff from relationship, but rather only from passion, then we might not meet the real needs and the long term issues that bring lasting prosperity, peace, and righteousness.

so there's a little rant for tonight.
I hope to talk soon about my concerns about where this country is heading and the core failure in our lifestyle's that may be the primary contributor..