When half your heart is missing and you don’t know where it went, you feel like life is just going through the motions. Mindless, empty, without passion, without feeling. Your spirit is moving, feeling, experiencing, but your flesh is without feeling, empty. Such a strange feeling. Such a weirdness.
My spirit is receiving and giving both to God and man. My spirit is experiencing His presence, His downloads of revelation and grace. My spirit is moving along like nothing is missing. My spirit is half my heart, the half I can see and feel.
My flesh is missing, lost. It has disappeared and gone to a far off land. The physical and emotional passion that normally responds to my spirit is nowhere to be found and thus all desire and passion is unfelt, yet there.
My mind, naturally, is in such a quandary. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I find it hard to work up the desire to express passion toward God and ministry and such. I find talking about God and thinking about God an empty endeavor. I find expressing the call on my life and furthering the kingdom to be the last of my passions or desires. But, it’s there. I want Him, I want to see the kingdom move in power and change our world. I want all that. I just don’t feel it.
Where is the other half of my heart? My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak? Is that what this is? Am I tired? Am I afraid to trust? Has my heart been broken in two and the other half is locked away in a box waiting to trust again?
And so I am here Lord, going through the motions, moving in His love and experiencing His presence, but not feeling it at all. My body might manifest His interactions with me, but half my heart feels nothing.
What will it take for me to trust again? To let my flesh follow my spirit and respond to the work of God wholeheartedly?
And so I walk, emotionless, yet in love. Broken, yet whole. Feeling dead, yet fully alive. Strong and mighty, yet feeling vulnerable and weak. What a paradox, what a quandary, what a hilarious place to be!
So I will laugh, I will love, I will laugh and I will love again. I will walk as if I am feeling the passion of God for people and the love He has for me. I will walk that way and perhaps, just perhaps my trust might crack open the box where the other half of my heart has been locked away. Perhaps I will feel again, perhaps the rumblings of heaven’s love, joy, peace, and passion will burst forth and grip me as they have time and time past. I think that will happen, no, I know it. Because faithfulness is part of who God is and He doesn’t change. So this heart of mine will eventually come around and believe that again. For He will not abandon me, He will not forsake me. That’s what Jesus experienced for me. I am His and He is mine.
There it is…. I can see the box cracking and the light shining in….
0 comments:
Post a Comment