malaise

The broader emphasis in my life has been a mix of the mundane and rabbit hole hopes. Not that the hopes were hard to reach, but I treated them as such. What foolishness. So do I live my life regretting poor choices and the monotony of the past or do I redeem the days lost and live full and free the rest of my days. Better, I at 31 do this now than find myself regretting such things at 70.

Regretting the days past only continue the cycle of regret, redeeming the days past by living full and free ends regret and opens new horizons.

Picking yourself up can be such a disaster. The runaway rabbit seems far gone by now and often I think, do I start all over? Am I a baby again? This baby is scared of this big world with scary monsters and new things. Vulnerability, Risks, Relationships. These things I have skirted around softly and with relative control. I’ve spent most of my life protecting myself from rejection and risky investments in others. Such choices have left me with surface friendships apart from those with such grace that they have loved me so much that my heart opened to them. The same choices have kept me from going after my dreams, wait, realizing my dreams. Many of you reading this might be able to name at least one hobby, one dream. I’ve spent most of my life with neither. Can a man truly be passionate about nothing? My passion has been to escape, imagine, and wish I was somewhere else. But that gets me nowhere.

This newfound vulnerability has left me feeling and possibly looking quite foolish in front of people with whom I am taking risks. Speaking to a potential boss in looking for a job unable to find words, stumbling, looking dumb. I’ve done that a million times, what’s wrong this time? This transition is taking me through many agonies of heart that coupled with the enemy’s attempts for my mind is making me feel naked in a sense. I don’t have any defense mechanisms with which to hide behind and therefore I find myself there, just there, out in the open, for all to see. Who is this mysterious man who we’ve all seen over the years but never really known? I can’t even answer that question, but I am curious who I will become.

My whole life I have felt this immense underlying power/calling brewing and waiting to surface. Often ashamed to think about it no less mention it, often in high school and college I would find myself relating most to Moses in the Bible. A man afraid to do what the Lord has called him to, but carrying an anointing unlike any other in his day. Could I in fact be a man such as he? The only thing making such a separation is a choice. A choice to say yes I will as Moses did, or to run, much like Jonah. When my mind turns away from the immensity of this dream of the man I might be, I often relate to Jonah, who ran, who was cynical and bitter. That is a man of regret. I do not want to be that man.

In college, a friend encouraged me once with 3 (3x5) cards over 3 days. The first said: “Peter shook…” and referenced a scripture where Peter showed great fear and trembling. He was a coward in that situation. I was a bit confused and put off by that card. But the next day I received a second card that continued the phrase: “…the world” and referenced a scripture showing the effect Peter had on the world with the gospel of Jesus Christ. The third day a card said: “God uses cowards”. Wow. I wasn’t sure whether that was an insult or a compliment, but it was effective in its own sense. Today those 3 cards are speaking to me more than ever, as I find myself afraid of these new challenges that I’ve been introduced to in my time at Bethel. Where Christianity is no longer easy and faith is what glues my walk with Christ together. If I pray for someone, something is supposed to happen… faith. Will I back away, stand firm, or advance on enemy lines.

This is going to be a challenging year for me. I want to be challenged, I want to shake things up in my life and I want a revolution within my heart that releases reformation and revival around me.

God has given me three things: Power, Love, and a Sound Mind. Therefore I embrace those three things with all that I have and cry, “Holy Spirit, I cannot do it without you. I need you Holy Spirit, I need you.”