have felt very insecure lately. I don’t believe this is entirely external, but rather some deep seeded concerns have been surfacing.
My two years in the Bethel experiment have had a glorious impact on my life, while at the same time a very scary implication as well. Bethel is a place engrossed in freedom and grace. In such a place I find the same grace and freedom engaging me in every area of my life. It is both beautiful and terrifying.
I grew up in a very stable, legalistic, Bible rules oriented system. Everything was black and white, do or don’t, and had little to do with relationship but more to do with keeping rules of law. Don’t cuss, don’t get drunk, etc..
In an environment of freedom through grace, right and wrong are exemplified by what protects relationship with God and people and what honors God and others.
But in that environment, all my inhibitions are now different, and I have no code of law to live by. So anything that has been deep down and buried inside of me like Anger for instance starts to find a place in my life. And while, obviously many of the rules I abided by before are things that protect relationship, I find that grace waters the roots in my life, good and bad. I find that I am angry about something and it is stealing my joy. I find some serious addictive tendencies, even in things like restraint in eating or time devoted to a video game or something like that.
But most of all, I don’t feel like I have the law as a safety blanket anymore so I have been feeling really insecure. I feel young and weak, like I am a newborn making lots of mistakes and that old law abiding self keeps reminding me of the old days and wanting me to conform to it’s principles rather than fall in love with my Father and learn to protect and honor our relationship. It’s not as easy, yet it should be easier. It’s harder because freedom needs maturity or we get the Corinthian church problems running amuck in our minds.
I grew up in a very stable, legalistic, Bible rules oriented system. Everything was black and white, do or don’t, and had little to do with relationship but more to do with keeping rules of law. Don’t cuss, don’t get drunk, etc..
In an environment of freedom through grace, right and wrong are exemplified by what protects relationship with God and people and what honors God and others.
But in that environment, all my inhibitions are now different, and I have no code of law to live by. So anything that has been deep down and buried inside of me like Anger for instance starts to find a place in my life. And while, obviously many of the rules I abided by before are things that protect relationship, I find that grace waters the roots in my life, good and bad. I find that I am angry about something and it is stealing my joy. I find some serious addictive tendencies, even in things like restraint in eating or time devoted to a video game or something like that.
But most of all, I don’t feel like I have the law as a safety blanket anymore so I have been feeling really insecure. I feel young and weak, like I am a newborn making lots of mistakes and that old law abiding self keeps reminding me of the old days and wanting me to conform to it’s principles rather than fall in love with my Father and learn to protect and honor our relationship. It’s not as easy, yet it should be easier. It’s harder because freedom needs maturity or we get the Corinthian church problems running amuck in our minds.
So the question remains… How do I grow up? Where do I find the courage to do this free life so that I don’t take advantage of my Daddy’s grace?
I am definitely in the right environment to grow up… I pray God it happens. What is my part?
I am definitely in the right environment to grow up… I pray God it happens. What is my part?
**I wrote this in a season of depression, some of my thoughts have changed, what are yours?
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