They should have me committed for all the times I have (re)-committed myself to a position of love, loyalty, worship, honor of God. What sort of life is this that I lead? Back and forth and to and fro, shifting like the sands of the sea and building and crashing like the waves.
What is this non-sense I am speaking of? Just the inconsistencies of my hearts affections toward my Jesus.
As I walked the halls of the hotel yesterday doing some sort of delivery all I could think about is whether love truly is a choice or is it a feeling/an affection of the heart. Is what I most love, that which I give most of my time and thoughts to? If that’s true then my love would probably be “distraction”. Distraction from the things in life that weigh me down, the stuff I fear, the monotony. In light of the recent unhealthy addictive patterns in my life, I have found myself fundamentally replacing such cravings with whatever is “new”! A new app for my iPad, a new tv show, a movie, a blog, a new or different thing to do. I seem unsettled, and my heart seems fleeting.
What happened to my first love? Where are my hearts affections? I miss my Father, my God. It all seems so hard sometimes, like I gotta force myself to enjoy spending time with God. So many people talk about trying harder to spend devotions with God, to pray more, etc. I see famous pastor’s talk about their weak prayer life. What’s going on? Spending time with God… Lots of time, should be such a fundamentally strong desire for this new creation.
As I drove home last night, the cool midnight Maui air hitting my face, I thought of people who seem to have that deep relationship whereas they love and thoroughly enjoy spending lots of time completely wrapped up and distracted in the simple jog of loving God. Then I thought of myself and many other Christians who seem to struggle to get through a 30 minute quiet time without getting bored. Where is the disconnect?
What is this non-sense I am speaking of? Just the inconsistencies of my hearts affections toward my Jesus.
As I walked the halls of the hotel yesterday doing some sort of delivery all I could think about is whether love truly is a choice or is it a feeling/an affection of the heart. Is what I most love, that which I give most of my time and thoughts to? If that’s true then my love would probably be “distraction”. Distraction from the things in life that weigh me down, the stuff I fear, the monotony. In light of the recent unhealthy addictive patterns in my life, I have found myself fundamentally replacing such cravings with whatever is “new”! A new app for my iPad, a new tv show, a movie, a blog, a new or different thing to do. I seem unsettled, and my heart seems fleeting.
What happened to my first love? Where are my hearts affections? I miss my Father, my God. It all seems so hard sometimes, like I gotta force myself to enjoy spending time with God. So many people talk about trying harder to spend devotions with God, to pray more, etc. I see famous pastor’s talk about their weak prayer life. What’s going on? Spending time with God… Lots of time, should be such a fundamentally strong desire for this new creation.
As I drove home last night, the cool midnight Maui air hitting my face, I thought of people who seem to have that deep relationship whereas they love and thoroughly enjoy spending lots of time completely wrapped up and distracted in the simple jog of loving God. Then I thought of myself and many other Christians who seem to struggle to get through a 30 minute quiet time without getting bored. Where is the disconnect?
And so it seems I am a lost found person. I have been found by Jesus but seem lost in His grace. There are times when I am completely smitten by Him but there are too many more times when it would seem that I could care less. There are those times, a random worship song, a familiar moment, a memory, when suddenly a deep longing for quality time spent with Him rushes over me and I flat out get emotional, but then that moment flies away just as quickly as it comes.
Can I just run and scream for awhile? Is this what love really looks like? Moments of passionate emotion-filled affection filled with reckless abandon and untethered love… And then sometimes long periods of pure reliance on a commitment made years ago, even when everything inside could seem to care less? I don’t like that! It just doesn’t seem right. There has got to be more. My marriage can’t look like that, and my relationship with God mustn’t either.
Can I just run and scream for awhile? Is this what love really looks like? Moments of passionate emotion-filled affection filled with reckless abandon and untethered love… And then sometimes long periods of pure reliance on a commitment made years ago, even when everything inside could seem to care less? I don’t like that! It just doesn’t seem right. There has got to be more. My marriage can’t look like that, and my relationship with God mustn’t either.
And so I have a mission, a calling, a passion to run with. To fight for relationship, to fight for love. I must find my love, I must know my God! This is not just preparation for my marriage, this is marriage to the bridegroom, Jesus. Lord help me love, give me grace to engage without distraction. I am yours. So I will wait, I will press in, I will find my love, and I will know Him as I am known.
Thoughts anyone??
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