the ache

My heart is aching. I’ve hurt my daddy again. I’ve broken his heart. I’ve betrayed his trust. I’ve looked away from him and onto other things that are deceivably interesting. I expect him, in turn, to look away from me. To put me in the corner for a time-out. No relationship for awhile, no interaction, no love… ?

Apparently I’ve been deceived on both ends. First, to think that something else, someone else, could possibly provide me with more pleasure, interest, or excitement than my daddy… Second, to think that same Father would put our relationship on hold in order to punish me when I look away. Woe is me, for I have been deceived but happy am I that now I am undone. I am undone by love. By this ever reaching grasp that my Father has. This eternal embrace reaching me in the darkest of places and holding me. He is nearer than I could have ever imagined, He is never distant. He doesn’t withdraw, and if it appears that He is, firstly it wouldn’t be when I’m in a bad place, and secondly, it would be an invitation for me to come into His place, His presence; for me to initiate. Relationships are a two way street after all.

So this daddy of mine, smiles all the time. When I’m doing good, when I’m feeling bad, when I’m looking at His enchanting eyes, and when I turn to look somewhere else to find something else. He keeps smiling, because He knows. He knows. He just knows. He knows my motivations, my hurts, my future, my past, and my now. He’s seen my whole life beginning, middle and end and He’s not scared, nope. He’s confident in the good work He’s doing in me, to me, through me. He recognizes His son, Jesus and I, one. Christ in me the hope of glory.

So what? Do I lower my head in shame? Do I withdraw from relationship for fear of testing the limits of grace? Do I keep looking away because I’m afraid to look in His gaze again? Or do I initiate? Do I come back? Do I leave the pig pen and walk home and find my father running to me? What do I do? I think the answer is clear and I choose love. There is no safer place than His embrace, His love, His grace.

Thank you Daddy.